Blurbs, etc.

Once upon a time I got a job. And part of the job was selling tickets for dinner theatre. And this week there is a sale on the dinner theatre tickets. So I've been much busier at work lately. 

I thought I had something to say today, but it turns out I don't. 

- I am very tired. Madi had a screamfest as soon as we went to bed last night for about an hour, for what seemed like no reason. How fun. 

- For the first time in a long time, I am so sick of sugar and chocolate right now. And it's only because I drank less than half a can of Pepsi. I'm not a huge fan of pop. 

- I miss Chloe and want to go home from work. I have a little over an hour left. 

- I died my (dirty blonde) hair over the weekend. Before and after pictures below. Dirty blonde. It even sounds like an ugly color. I like my hair better when it's darker. 

Someday soon I might actually blog, but today I'm just not feeling it. 

"Cheese"

Before

After

Some filler stuff

I promise I'm still here, and might blog again someday soon. (Tomorrow?) Work has been really busy, and I never feel like blogging at home. To be honest, I never feel like doing anything at home. I'm in a sad, sad place. 

But don't worry about that. No one ever does. 

Watching tv with my babygirl last night. No place I'd rather be. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. I finally finished 50 Shades of Grey. NOT my favorite book, that's for sure. Read my review.

2. We took family pictures with Eric's family, here they are.

3. I'm an awesome employee and so I got enough 'work dollars' to cash in for a gift card. I chose Old Navy, and can't wait to get shopping this weekend.

4. We watched The Hangover 2. Good movie, way too similar to the first, but still funny and a good watch. I still want to see part 3.

5. Chloe had me up for about an hour around 2am one night. She played. Madi woke Eric up, so he came down to investigate once Madi was back to bed, and so we watched America's Funniest Home Videos together in the middle of the night.

6. The girls became obsessed with Dora the Explorer. They both like to try to sing the song anytime they see her anywhere - which is often because she's on Chloe's boots, one of our bowls, and on tv a lot. It's adorable really.

7. I ate a lot of chocolate. And chips.

8. I started reading 50 Shades Darker. Am I crazy? Maybe.

Family Pictures

Once upon a time, I mentioned that we took some family photos with Eric's family. I don't have much to say today anyway, so here they are. 

The whole family: Eric, me, his brother's girlfriend, brother in the white hat, two sisters, sister's boyfriend, his mom up front, along with Chloe, Madi and the two other grandchildren of the family. 

Eric's mother and the grandchildren. I love that they treat Chloe like family too.

Book Review: 50 Shades of Grey (Book 1)

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I finally finished the book 50 Shades of Grey. Just the first one. I haven't ventured far into the second book yet. It took me  from October 2012 - May 2013 to read this book. It's no secret that I was never a huge fan. I lean closer to the 'despise' end, actually. 

The book is about Ana, a college student, who meets Christian, a rich, gorgeous business man. They're both intrigued. They have another run-in. They both want to get involved. Better yet, read the 50 Shades of Grey synopsis from Amazon.ca. 

"When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms. 

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires. 

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever."

Here is my review from Good Reads.

"I wanted to read the series to finally find out what all the hype was about. I heard it was somehow related to the Twilight series, and just like Twilight, hype is all it was.  

Like Twilight, the storyline was really dry and boring. Very little 'meat' to it. Nothing to keep me interested at all.  

This book is the opposite of a book I couldn't put down - I had to struggle to get myself to pick it up.  

Basically, Ana meets Christian. He's successful and rich, but most importantly he's so gorgeous everyone in the world has to stop and stare. Of course, he develops a 'thing' for Ana, the poor, weak, clumsy, pathetic excuse for a college student. I feel she's still has the mentality of a junior high student. It feel like the writing of this book is geared towards junior high students, but has the erotic scenes geared towards adults. It doesn't match up.  

The plot had more juice to it in the middle when Jose (Ana's male friend with a crush on her) was around to try to make Christian jealous. After that, it was all 'sex with Christian'. That is the sole thing in this book that matters, of course, because virgin Ana has turned into an immediate sex goddess.  

Speaking of 'goddess', Ana uses the phrase 'inner goddess' enough that halfway through the book I began cringing every time I read it.  

I've heard the other two books are better, and after a lot of deliberation, I am going to give them a chance. Although I hated book #1, I'm trying to go into them with an open mind. Hopefully it won't take me another 7 months to get through book #2."

If you hate the book and are in the mood for a laugh, the first part of this review was pretty great. Have you read the book? The whole series? No spoilers on the next two books please, but what did you think? 

Some of My Favorite Posts

May 21 - Links to My Favorite Posts

Of course I have some linked in my Important Posts page, but this is a fresh list. Some old, some new. Here are ten:  Chloe's birth story Meeting Eric Video: The Annoying Orange terrifies my child  *Note: Now she laughs and sings along with it. Chloe fails at Cake Smash photos 2012 in review What I'm most afraid of Advice to my daughters A weekday in my world 10 things that make me really happy About Night Terrors
Send me a link to one of your favorite blog posts! 

A Weekend and a Phobia Realization

The weekend was kind of a busy one. I got to spend Saturday alone with Chloe. It was the first time in a very long time. In the morning, we bought some toys off someone - a Dora the Explorer backpack and accessories, and a vacuum. The kids are a huge fan of the new toys. 

In the evening, a friend came over and we had homemade lasagna with salad and garlic bread. It was good, but I still haven't perfected my lasagna. This time it was too dry. Again.

On Sunday, I spent most of the day with my girl again, but then went to work an evening shift at my old job. Front desk at a hotel. It was a busy night, but nice to work with people and speak to adults. Eric is one of the only adults I talk to most of the time. Some outside interaction was nice. 

We had a family day on Monday, and took the girls to visit Eric's family. Upon his mother's request, we got family pictures done. Each family individually, each couple, then everyone together. I can't wait to see them. Then we had a BBQ, which was amazing, and by then it was getting later so we went on our way. The kids missed naps so they slept the whole way home. 

Sunday night I finally finished 50 Shades of Grey (a review on that tomorrow!) and sat around being lazy with Eric. The usual. 

On a more serious note, I did some research and asked around about my intense throwing up phobia. I've always had this fear but its gotten way out of hand these past couple of months. Everything I've read and heart, points at stress being a big factor in why the symptoms have gotten crazy. I did the math, and it seems I got a little crazier around the time we moved Madi in. Just that realization alone has helped me calm down a little, to the point where all day yesterday I was able to eat without the phobia crossing my mind once. That's a start. I considering talking to my doctor about actually getting help, but I don't know if I want to go that far yet. At the same time, it might be the only step towards getting people to understand how much stress I'm actually under. 

In the meantime, I'm already expected to 'babysit' Madi for her mother in about two weeks time, giving up yet another weekend alone with Chloe. She expects us to babysit, because she kept Madi for us (and Chloe for one night too) when we moved. Under normal circumstances I would feel like we do owe her this weekend of keeping Madi. On the other hand, I kept Madi for three weekends for her because she refused to take her and, in her words, didn't care how it affected us. 

I had no idea how much it was really affecting us. 

Still, I will look like the bad guy when I say no. 

Five Blogs I Love and Why

Five Blogs I Love and Why

In no particular order, and just the first few I randomly found in my reader:

A Mad Girls Lovesong - I love Sean's blog because I've been following since before she was pregnant, and I love watching her little girl grow up. She's adorable. And because she seems like the kind of person I could really get along with it. My favorite part of her blog is when she pulls out the occasional curse word. It always makes me laugh a little.

 

Because Nice Matters - I love Noelle's blog because she really knows how to tell a story, and has lots to tell. Her daughter Emily has heart problems (long story short) so I always love hearing about how she's doing too.

 

Our Tiny Place - So many of her blog posts have me in tears laughing. So many.

 

Loves of Life - There's just something about the way she writes that I just can't miss a post. I don't even know what it is.

 

The Baby is Fine - Funny stories, cute baby, very relatable. One of the newer blogs on my list but definitely a favorite.

10 Things I Did This Week

1. Watched the last ever episode of the new 90210. So sad that it's over, and so quickly. 

2. Drove all the way to the grocery store Monday night just for ice cream. Then ended up getting cookies and frozen corn as well. Eric ate most of the ice cream in less than 24 hours. I wanted to kill him. 

3. We made our first couple of bead sprite sales within a couple of days of each other. I found a girl who bought our Super Mario coin bank, and a girl Eric works with asked him to make her boyfriend a Batman. Upon seeing the Batman, she requested a Joker, which he made last night and brought to her today. I doubt he took a picture. 

4. I ordered clothes and dress-up hats online for the kids. Ooops.

5. I requested some of my vacation pay to make up for me taking Monday (Victoria Day) off, since it's not a paid holiday, but there's no daycare and Eric doesn't work so we're having a family day. I got a little more vacation pay than I needed, to make up for the online order.

6. Tried my hardest to get through 50 Shades of Grey (that I've been reading for 7 months). I'm at 92% as of Friday afternoon.

7. Chloe had a really bad night terror. I hate them.

8. We found ourselves with a tiny bit of extra money, and it's mostly going on Eric's credit card. Hopefully later we can manage to buy a BBQ for the summer.

9. The girls have a new Dora the Explorer obsession, and both like to sing the song.

10. I started to hate drinking can juice because it's too sugary.

The Terror that is a Night Terror

I wake up shortly after midnight to Chloe, just starting to cry. 

It's night number two of going to bed without a bottle, and she went to bed crying because of it. She's not a fan of change. I wish I could keep her on the bottle for longer, because I hate seeing her unhappy, but I think it's time. 

I go in to check on her, hoping she drank some of the milk in her sippy cup, but she didn't really drink much. 

I reach for her. She's still crying, but as I reach for it's like she just lost it. Her back is arching, her limbs are flailing. She's pushing so hard with her feet that she's hitting her head against the rails on the crib. She tries to bite her arm, a new thing she's started doing when she's upset. 

I quickly pull her out of the crib, so she's not hurting herself. It's like wrestling with a bull. She's doing her best to fight me off, which makes it hard to get downstairs, but we make it. I unfold her couch so it's like a little bed and I set her down. She continues kicking and screaming, throwing her body around. At one point she grabs her foot and tries to bite it but I stop her. That makes the crying and screaming louder. It's like there's a demon inside her, trying to get out. 

This goes on for less than 10 minutes, but it feels like an eternity. I want to get some milk for her, in hopes that it will calm her down, but I don't want to leave her. I'm scared she bites herself again, and since she's not exactly conscious, she might break skin. 

That's right, she's not even really conscious. 

It's heartbreaking. 

Her screaming slows, and she's just regular crying. I pick her up again, and this time she's not really fighting. Almost like magic, she "falls asleep" in my arms. I say "falls asleep" because she was never really awake. She looks so little, so precious. I'm crying. I hate seeing her like this. 

A couple of minutes pass, and she starts whining. Her normal, everyday whining. I take her into the kitchen and set her on the counter. I can tell she's back to herself now, because she reached for the bin of pens that hangs on the fridge, and smiles. I fill a new sippy cup with milk for her and ask her to hold it for me. She does. 

She whines a little as I take her upstairs, but I tell her it's "night night" time. I lay her down, nudge her to her side, and she cradles her sippy cup half in her mouth. Her eyes are half closed as I cover her up. 

All is well again. This is the second time that it's happened in a month or two. I think it's the 4th or 5th time it's ever happened to Chloe. Night terrors. So scary. So real. 

A Typical Weekday in My World

A Day In My Life

7:03 am - Both iPhone alarms go off. At the same time, even though both alarms are always in the same spot. One should be set for later, but somewhere along the lines they got messed up. Boyfriend shuts them off the gets comfy again. I'm half asleep, but still annoyed because I know we need to get up, and the person who shuts the alarms off is responsible for getting lazy asses out of beds. 

7:10 am - We finally get up, get dressed, and most days wake up the girls. Rarely are they up before us. Lucky, I know. I grab Chloe from her crib, and lately let her pick out which long-sleeve shirt she wants to wear. I want her to wear long sleeve ones because soon it'll be too hot for them. 

7:20 am - We make it downstairs and throw a breakfast together for the girls. Usually cereal or toast. When we have a bit more time it might be pancakes or omelets. 

7:25 am - I sneak back upstairs to grab my phone (take 3/4 of the above photos), and lay in bed for a few minutes because I'm cranky and don't want to deal with anyone but Chloe at the moment. 

7:40 am - Get the girls dressed for the day. Madi fights it the whole time, just narrowly escaping a time-out, which she ends up getting soon after when she still fights to get her coat and boots on. 

7:55 am - Out the door, hopefully, with Eric with me on Wednesday and Fridays (which are days that we do our day on a schedule a half hour later). Alone with Chloe on Mondays and Tuesdays. Just me and the girls on Thursdays. Off to daycare we go. 

8:05 - 8:15 am - Arrive at daycare. Take off coat and put on indoor shoes on Madi. Hugs and kisses for Madi, then she runs off. Talk to the daycare chef about her diet for a few minutes, then repeat the same routine for Chloe. Hugs and kisses, then (today only) without being prompted she tells me 'I la', which means 'I love you'. It kills me a little. I'll probably never forget it.

8:19 am - Drive-thru for coffee on somedays. I've skipped it a lot lately, but today I also skipped breakfast, so I got a cinnamon roll. 

8:25 am - 4:30 pm - Arrive at work. Check my email, my voicemail, my Facebook. Do some work. This is where it gets boring. I sporadically eat throughout the day. Snacks, maybe leftovers from the night before, or a nasty cup of microwave KD. Yum yum. Time flies from 4:00 until 4:30 and I'm free to go. To daycare, of course. 

4:45 pm - Arrive at daycare. The girls are usually outside if it's nice out. Grab whichever one sees me first. Usually it's Chloe because her play area is smaller, and Madi is too busy playing to even look up. I grab Madi second, and try to get Chloe to stay in one spot while I dump Madi's boots that are full of sand. Drag two kids to the car and away we go. 

5:00 pm - Drag the girls in, wash their hands, and change their clothes if needed. Turn on some cartoons and give sippy cups and hopes that distracts them so I can whip up some kind of a supper. It works for Madi, almost never for Chloe. She's an attention freak. 

5:15 or 5:30 pm - The kids eat. Rarely, but sometimes I eat with them. Rarely, but sometimes I'll do a few dishes. Usually I just supervise the eating, since Chloe likes to throw it more than eat it some days. 

6:15 pm - Some days we have to leave at this time to pick Eric up at work, now that his car is broken down and we're sharing a car. We did this yesterday. 

6:33 pm - Daddy was late! But arrived a minute later, looking like a creep with a tuxedo t-shirt on. I'd like to burn that shirt. (Ps, how do you like our sunglass collection? We still have two more toddler pairs that are missing from the pile.)

7:00 pm - Snack time! Applesauce or yogurt or raisins or crackers, etc. 

7:20 pm - A new routine: read a book in our bed while they drink their milk. It was semi-successful. They listened to some of the book, but didn't drink much milk. 

7:30 pm - Bedtime! Insert sighs of relief. 

7:35 pm - 9:30 pm - All the relaxing in the world. 

9:30 pm - Bedtime is on my mind usually. 

10:15 pm - Bedtime! Or close to it. And luckily we usually get to sleep through the night until the alarm goes off again at 7:03 am. 

And that, my friends, is what our days are like lately. 

10 Things I Really Hate About Parenting

Today's writing prompt (from Blog Everyday in May) was supposed to be "A Day in My Life", which I absolutely love. However, it is now almost 10am, and I'm at work without a single photo being taken today, so I'm going to postpone it until tomorrow, so I can remember to take some actual pictures. I was going to do tomorrow's prompt instead, but I think I'll skip it altogether. I can do that, right? I mean I'm still blogging? I miss blogging on the weekends anyway, so sue me.

Instead, I present to you,

1. Potty Training.

I'm putting it off to the max. (Did I just say 'the max'?) I can't comprehend how toddlers can be fully able to tell you when they need to 'go', although I know a lot can. And I cannot just let my toddlers run wild and naked, doing their business all over the place, although that does work for many. 

2. Nutrition. 

I hate stressing and worrying about if my kid is getting enough of this and that, or eating too much of this and that. 

3. Bottle Weaning. 

I need to get my almost 20 month old off the bottle. But our sleep schedule is so perfect right now. I don't want to mess with perfection, and she is not a sippy cup fan. 

4. Sippy Cup Weaning.

Our two year old relies on the sippy to go to sleep just as much as the younger one relies on her bottle. It's a sad, sad addiction. 

5. Bottle/Sippy In Bed Conundrum.

Both girls drink their milk in bed. Yep, it's bad because of tooth decay and choking and such. I want to switch them so they're drinking milk, then going to bed. With water, because I can't bear to pull the sippy cups away completely, although I know I should. 

6. Discipline.

I don't know which battles to pick, and with which girl. Since they're 8 months apart, I know I can't discipline Chloe for the same things as Madi. Some things Madi should just know better. Also, I think time outs work great for Madi, but Chloe is still too young. But at the same time, I think I let Chloe get away with more because she's my baby, while Madi is still new to me so the connection isn't as strong yet. 

7. The Step-Parent Connection.

This is a tough one to admit, but I'm sure it's not uncommon. Chloe is my biological child. I've known her for her entire life. Madi is kind of my step-child. I've known her since she was a year old (which is almost as long as I've known Chloe!), but I didn't raise her for her first two years. I spent minimal time with her. I wasn't in charge of decisions for her. We didn't have one-on-one time. We don't have that bond. Chloe fills me with so much happiness. I just want to hug and kiss her all the time. I don't feel that with Madi. At all. I love her, but I love her differently, and with a little less passion. That will change eventually, won't it?

8. The Mommy/Daddy Issue.

I'm Chloe's Mommy, and Eric is Mady's Daddy. Therefore, our home is a huge confusion of Mommy and Daddy. Both girls know who they're biological parents are. Eric doesn't care, and goes with the flow. It doesn't bother me what the kids calls us, since I'm under the impression that we're not breaking up so Chloe will grow up with two father figures and Madi with two mother figures. I'm not sure where the other parents stand on this issue, but I don't push Mommy and Daddy on the girls, one way or the other. When we pick Eric up from work, I tell the girls we are going to get Daddy. When I'm talking to Chloe specifically, I tell her to go say 'night night' to Eric. She still has started calling him Daddy from time to time, but she doesn't light up like when she sees her real Daddy. 

9. Vomit and Such.

I'm terrified of throwing up, as I've mentioned before, so puke is one of my least favorite things. I deal with it much better though when it's one of the kids because I can blame it on the randomness of their little stomachs or teething or something. When they're older, I hope I can still deal with it as well. 

10. Mommy Guilt.

We all have it. I try not to let it consume me, or worry about it much but I always feel guilty about something. Every time I think about when Chloe was in the hospital, I feel so guilty that I let her spend that first night in the hospital alone. How did I do that? How did I leave my baby sleeping alone in a hospital crib with only nurses checking in on her? I felt okay about it at the time, but I feel guilty about it now almost every day. I also feel guilty about trivial things, like when I don't spend enough time with her, don't teach her enough new things, don't read to her. Especially when I have a mean moment, and snap at her or raise my voice. Ugh, I feel guilty about it all just thinking about it.

What are some things that you hate about parenting? 

10 Things That Make Me Really Happy

Tuesday, May 14 - 10 Things That Make Me Really Happy

(In no particular order at all!)

1. Coffee. And I need some of that right now. BRB! (Eric and I were just talking about how no one uses TTYL and BRB anymore now that MSN isn't huge. Well, it's gone completely now, isn't it?)

2. Obviously my family, and specifically my daughter. I love just watching her. Watching her play, walking her walk, watching her learn. Listening to her talk and babble. Getting hugs and kisses. 

3. Talking with Madi. Or really, teaching Madi new phrases. This morning she said "Chloe, eat your toast." and "Daddy, what's up?" It was fun. 

4. This guy. Especially when it comes to just hanging out on the couch when he's not feeling so great (top) or taking stupid pictures when we've just gotten up and I'm still half asleep this morning (bottom). 

5. The promise of summer. Summer is my favorite. This summer I can't wait to see a friend who just had a baby in March, and meet her little baby. I can't wait to see a friend who has been living in the Dominican for a couple of years now, doing amazing things. Hopefully seeing other friends who live away, as well as friends who live nearby that I barely see. I can't wait for beaches, and bonfires, and sitting out on the deck with a drink in my hand. I can't wait! 

6. Reading a really good book, which I haven't done in probably years, but if I ever manage to get through this awful 50 Shades of Grey book I've been reading since October, I hope my next one is great. I'm open to suggestions! 

7. This upcoming Monday I think I'm taking a day off work to spend it with my little family. It will be our first day all together in over a month, and I couldn't be more excited. 

8. The beach. I really, really, really just want to go for a walk on the beach at night. 

9. Taking pictures. Especially when they turn out really nice. 

10. Reading a really great blog post. So I'm off to do some reading now!

I'm Sorry for Mother's Day

May 13 - Apology

Dear Boyfriend, 

I just want to apologize for events that have not happened yet. 

I'm sorry that you won't get a card for Father's Day. Not even a scribble between folded up loose leaf paper. 

You certainly won't get flowers or chocolate. Or anything of substance. I didn't expect it anyway. 

I'm sorry that you won't get a meal cooked for you. I'm sorry that instead you'll cook a meal for everyone else instead. 

I'm sorry that you're going to have to do a million loads of laundry. 

I'm sorry that your Father's Day will be as sad and unimportant as my Mother's Day. 

Love, 

Your Bitter Girlfriend. 

Ps. At least Chloe gave me love and affection for Mother's Day. 

Old School Chloe & Things I Miss

All photos from Spring 2012

Sunday, May 12 - Something I miss

I also want to tie in this post with my 'blog everyday in May challenge', and break the 'Silent' rule in 'Silent Sunday'. 

Something I miss? 

I miss more than anything my baby as a baby. Those times flew by way too fast. While she's my best buddy now and toddler-hood is probably my favorite stage, I miss the cuddles, the facial expressions, the giggles of a much younger baby. 

What do you miss? 

Mother's Day Tea Party at Daycare? Nope

Today's Blog Everyday in May Challenge is to write about an embarrassing moment. I'm not in a great mood, so I don't feel like following a prompt, after finding out my boyfriend, who says he never lies, lied to me about something really stupid. Money. Enough money to buy a bag of chips. He could've just not said anything, but instead he made up a lie. A stupid lie. I can no longer say that my boyfriend doesn't lie to me.

Anyhow...

I can't really think of many embarrassing moments anyway. 

Except when I'm in public with my boyfriend and he thinks it acceptable to wear fake Crocs. That's a little embarrassing. 

I don't really embarrass easily. 

It was, however, a little awkward when this morning I decided I would actually attend the 'Mother's Day Tea' that Chloe and Madi's daycare was having. I knew no details on it, except for the start time. I expected all the kids would be around, and it would be nice to see them for a bit.

Nope.

Most of them were outside, but I couldn't find Chloe anywhere. I saw Madi playing happily. I went inside the building, hoping I would see a few mom's and their kids, ready for some tea.

Nope.

Just more kids putting their coats on to go outside, and the toddler room was in darkness - meaning Chloe wasn't in there. I did, however, see one mother hanging around. Madi's mother. Since her older brother also goes to the same daycare.

So to recap, there seemed to be no Chloe and no other mothers except the one I'd like to avoid.

I ended up just going back to my car and leaving. I didn't want to risk one of the girls seeing me and getting upset if I went to ask a worker about the party, and I certainly didn't want to hang out with Madi's mother. Off to work I went. About an hour late.

In a slightly bad mood.

Happy Friday. 

A Moment in My Day

Thursday, May 9 - A Moment in My Day

I'm picking a moment from yesterday, because we all know I won't blog if I leave it until I get a picture tonight. And no one wants to hear about the moments I spend at work.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day. The kids were sweaty and sandy when I picked them up from daycare. I couldn't wait to get them fed so I could put them in fresh, pretty summer clothes. That's what we did, and then we got in to the car to pick Eric up from work, with the girls dancing in their car seats as usual. 

Fast forward to when the girls are fast asleep, and Eric and I get to be nerds, working on more bead projects. 

Yesterday was a good day. 

Advice to My Daughters

Wednesday, May 8
Advice to my Girls

Be Yourself. Someone is always going to hate you anyway, so let them hate you for the right reasons. 

Know when to stand up for yourself, and when to let things go. 

Be a good friend. Make phone calls 'just because'. Be the friend who knows when to show up on the  doorstep with a bottle of wine. Be someone people can talk to. Make the kind of friends that you can always talk to. 

Hoes before bros, or something like that. 

Don't ever be afraid to fall in love. Love can knock you down and kick your ass, but love isn't the enemy. Loving the wrong people is how you come to know when you're loving the perfect person. 

What am I saying.. no one is perfect, but someone is perfect for you. 

Know when to love, and when to move on. Sometimes the right thing doesn't feel like the right thing. Trust your heart. 

Money doesn't grow on trees, but you shouldn't feel guilty for splurging on ice cream every now and then. 

Make sacrifices, but know when you're making too many. Don't let people walk all over you. 

Having children is amazing. But finish your childhood before giving someone else one. 

Always love your mother. Because no matter what anyone else ever tells you, no one loves you more than I do. 

My Kids Photograph Nicely & Other Happy Things

Over the weekend I took the girls by myself to visit my mom. It was a tad bit spontaneous, since she didn't have a phone for me to call, so I just showed up. 

It was a gorgeous day. Sunny with just a bit of wind. 

For the first time in forever, I had my DSLR camera with me, instead of just my good friend iPhone. Since I'm not very familiar with the camera (my new goal for this summer!) it was hard at first to get any good pictures in the sun, and very little shade to work with. 

In the back corner of mom's yard is a tree with a tree stump next to it. It was the perfect spot to grab a couple of pictures of the girls. 

I can't get over how adorable they turned out. 

So my new goal for the summer is to learn to use my camera to the best of my abilities. I paid enough for the camera, it's time to keep it out and use it daily, instead of just during holidays. 

On an unrelated note, boyfriend had his appointment this morning with Madi's mother and a mediator. They signed a document. She'll be spending every night at our place, but she will be with her mother on Saturdays and Sundays. I feel so much better already just knowing I'll get a bit of time to myself this weekend, and that I'll be able to spend a little more alone time with Chloe again. 

I would've been more than willing to keep Madi some weekends, but not every weekend and every weeknight while her father works. Less than three months ago she didn't live with us at all. I'd rather take my major life changes one slow step at a time, if possible. 

I think this will be much better for my entire family. 

Happy mom = happy life, isn't that what they say? 

The Thing I am the Most Afraid Of

Tuesday, May 7 - The thing you're most afraid of

I don't know where, how, or when it started, I just know I've been like this for a really, really long time. I'm terrified of getting sick. Not stuffy nose, fever, coughing sick. I'm terrified of losing my lunch kind of sick. 

I can specifically remember most times that I've been that kind of sick since I was six years old. Once when I was 6, once when I was 11, once when I was 17, three times in between because of liquor, once when I was 21, and once when I was 24. How insane is it that I remember that? 

For awhile, I was able to get so worked up just at the thought of it, that I would almost make myself get sick. I would have myself convinced that I had the flu. It's crazy that the body can work that way, but I've learned that it does. 

For the longest time, I was doing so much better. It was practically years where I had almost no panic attacks over it. That was a good time in my life. 

Lately I've been living a little more on the crazy edge though. 

Chloe had the flu the night before Valentine's Day, and I managed not to freak out too much over that one. Until boyfriend had the flu a couple of days later. I went into pure, insane panic mode for days. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him that night, or the night after. I was up all night myself, not feeling good, thinking I was going to catch what they had. I washed every single article of fabric that came in contact with anyone. I washed all door handles and everything a hand could touch. I used hand sanitizer every time I so much as stood up. 

That was my worst panic episode yet. 

But I didn't get sick. A couple of weeks after that, one of the kids woke up crying and the second I woke up I went into a panic. I was up for most of that night. I missed work the next day, because after I stopped feeling like I was going to be sick, I was exhausted and slept most of the day. 

I've had many, smaller panic attacks since then. Every little feeling in my stomach, I question. Even if it's just an uncomfortable 'full' feeling. I'm trying to work through it, and make my brain just shut off and stop thinking. I'm trying. 

I'm also starting to believe counselling wouldn't be a horrible option for me, because this does sometimes interfere with my life. It definitely interferes with my happiness. 

And you know what? Actually throwing up isn't that scary. But before it happens, the anticipation? Nearly kills me. 

And that, boys and girls, is what I'm the most scared of. 

What do I really do?

Monday, May 6 - Besides my job, what do I do?

I do daycare pick up and drops off. I struggle to put diapers on and then to take them back off. I make breakfast, dinner, and lunch. I put it on the table, then round up all the bunch. 

I wipe tiny hands and tiny faces. I drag kids around with me to all the places. I kiss and hug and cuddle. I buy the rain boots and rain jackets so we can jump in all the puddles. 

On fun days, I paint little fingers and toes. 

On gross days I wipe a lot of boogers off of noses. 

I put clutter away. I do the laundry. I sweep the floor. I wipe the counters, tables, all surfaces and doors. 

I fill the gas tank, buy the clothes and buy the groceries. The week we had a cat I was in charge of picking out the fleas. 

I remember the appointments, the lists, the forms to fill. I remember the deadlines for all the bills.  

I always want to sleep, have very little time to eat. I'm always on the go. My mind it never slows. 

But this is my life. There are some things I'd like to change, but most of the things I wish  they'd always stay the same. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. I didn't exactly do this, but Eric's car broke down. Like we didn't have enough problems before. 

2. I finally convinced Eric to take the necessary step towards getting legal papers signed concerning Madi. 

3. All week I dreaded the weekend. The last thing I feel like doing is spending a weekend stuck in the house with two cranky children and one cranky me. 

4. I was up Sunday night from about 12:30-3am because Chloe had a bad cough. It made her throw up once and then she was too hyped up to go back to sleep for awhile. 

5. We looked at a mini home that a co-worker's daughter has for sale. Gorgeous place, but wrong location for us but it got us thinking about someday buying a home. 

6. I figured out a way to get my broken iPod to work. The on/off button won't press. So I need to plug it in to charge it. When I unplug, the screen lights up and I just have to turn the music on with the touch screen. Once the screen goes to sleep I can't change it anymore though, I just have to let it play. At least it's progress. 

7. I started a photo a day challenge on Instagram. 

8. I started a blog every day challenge as well, but that won't last on the weekends. I don't have it in me to open up the computer when I'm home.

9. Big Brother Canada ended, and for the first time I'm pretty sad to see the end. I loved watching these people play. 

10. I forgot to post this on time, as usual. So I finished it Monday and back posted it. Oops. 

My Favorite Quote & Comedian

Saturday, May 4 - Favorite Quote

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."  - Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg is one of my favorite comedians. Or was. He passed away in 2005, which was ironically just a couple of months before I even discovered who he was. I was away for college, living with a roommate when we discovered him on Just For Laughs. We then found all of his stand-up comedy videos and watched them over and over, to the point that we can quote almost all of his jokes. Mitch Hedberg made for many laughs for us, and a lot of fun nights. 
I'm just sad that he's not still around, making us laugh with new jokes.  
"When I think of something that's funny, I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny." - Mitch Hedberg