5 FUN Things I Would Buy if I Won a Lot of Money

Never mind my student loans, my car loan, our credit cards, and our children's future educations. These are the fun things I would want to look into buying right away if I ever won a lot of money. 

1. Cupcakes. 

I was never a huge cupcake person. I even got a local (popular) baker to make Chloe's birthday cupcakes, but I didn't like them much. But then I won a $10 credit towards a new little bakery that opened that specializes in cupcakes. We bought some. I tried some. I went back the next day and bought more. Nanaimo, Rolo, Peanut Butter Cup, S'mores, Pumpkin Spice Latte, Red Velvet. Those are just some of the flavors we got. Our of the 10 cupcakes, I ate 6 and a half of them. In less than three days. They only lasted  three days because I ate the last one for breakfast yesterday. And I've been thinking about them constantly since. All I think about are cupcakes. There must be some kind of drug in these cupcakes. I'm addicted. I get the cupcake hype. I totally get it now. 

2. Updated Wardrobe. 

Ever since I had Chloe, I only want clothes for her. I've started to really notice lately how much I hate everything, and don't enjoy getting dressed much anymore. Also, I hate to admit it, but I'm finally starting to like the look of skinny jeans, and I want a pair. Maybe even in a random color. I know, weird for me. 

3. Furniture Upgrade. 

Well, honestly if I won a ton of money, I'd be buying or building a house first. But ignoring that, I'd love to makeover some parts of my apartment as it is. We upgraded our bedroom furniture this winter, but this time I'd love to makeover Madi's room. She just has a white toddler bed and Eric's old wooden dresser. I'd love to get her a single bed, with a matching furniture set. Maybe even go as far as to get bunk beds, to prepare for later when the girls are old enough to sleep on a top bunk and share a room. I'd love to get a new livingroom set and dining room table as well, but that's another story. 

4. Boxed Sets. 

Tv shows on DVD. I'm obsessed. I have collections I need to complete (Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill, etc) and new shows I wouldn't mind owning and watching. 

5. A Vacation.

I guess like most people I wouldn't mind taking a real vacation to somewhere nice if I won a lot of money. I've never been outside of Canada. I'd love to go somewhere warm, but I'd also love to visit the U.S., Italy, or anywhere really. 

Christmas is coming too. So I would also accept any of the above as gifts :p Or pots. We really need new pots and pans chez nous. Really. 

What's the first thing you'd want to do if you had a ton of money to blow? Bills and being reasonable with it doesn't count. 

I Want to Be Better

I once read an article in Redbook about a regular, everyday woman who was doing some everyday chore when she was hit with a panic attack all of a sudden. That sounded so scary to me. Little did I know that at the time, I was just beginning to fall into my own deep anxiety issues. But I still can't believe that anxiety seems to start with just the snap of a finger. 

Once upon a time, I used to have panic attacks over the thought of throwing up, and usually if I could distract myself, the panic would pass after 15-30 minutes. This winter, I thought I was actually medically ill, because I started feeling sick quite often, but not much ever came of it. I only later realized it's because I was having frequent panic attacks, and that's what was making me feel sick. The difference was, these panic attacks were lasting hours. Some of the after-effects were lasting almost a full day. 

I've written many posts on my anxiety before. I'm starting to feel it's never-ending. I'll be dealing with this for life. I just read this post online on Redbook about anxiety and it just shows how quick it comes on, but it also gives me hope that I might be able to be semi-normal again. 

The flu was passing through so many of my co-workers last week. I became a germophobe, and couldn't get enough of my hand sanitizer. I took Gravol a couple of times to help me fall asleep without panicking. But on nights I didn't take it, there are two times this week that I've woken up in a panic. I can more easily fight off a panic attack when I'm aware of when it's starting. If I wake up in a panic, I'm lost. The first day, I tried so hard to fight it. It was around 6am on a workday when it started. Closer to 8am, I gave up and took another Gravol and watched tv in bed. Eric took care of the girls and I knew I'd be late for work. The Gravol worked its magic, and I started falling asleep, and I napped until I had to drop Eric off at work. When the same thing started to happen the next morning at 3am, I took a Gravol immediately and went back to sleep. The third night, I took a Gravol before bed so I wouldn't wake up in a panic at all. It worked. That was last night. 

I worry that I'll get addicted. That I'll be dependent on it. 

I worry that I'm never going to be normal. That I'm always going to feel worried or nervous when my stomach feels something just as simple as fullness. That panic will always be in the back of my mind. That I'll never have more than one or two good days in a row. I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of my life, of Chloe's life, because I don't feel good over a panic attack. I also think it may someday ruin my relationship, as I think a lot of my mean-ness is related to anxiety as well. 

I go to my third counselling appointment next week. Because of our income, my fees for counselling have been  cut in half, so it's less to worry about, but it's still an expense that's hard to squeeze in. But I'll do anything at this point. 

I just want to be better. 

I believe I'm just a few steps away from seeing a doctor and asking if there's anything they can do. Maybe medication is the next step. I don't know. I just want to feel really happy again. 

I just want to be better. 

And today, I feel better

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Today I'm in a good mood. A real good mood. These have been rare lately. 

I read a post about Happy on Story of my Life, and Jenni talks about a documentary her and her husband watched about happiness. One of the things they talked about is how even the smallest change in your routine can attribute to your happiness. Then I got started thinking about my routine. Stressful morning, long boring day at work in a basement office with no windows, stressful evening, then relax for 1-2 hours before bed. 

It's not a great routine when you put it that way. 

So I decided to start trying new things. I decided I'd start leaving the building more during my lunch break to get a bit of a break from the dark office. I stopped, spur of the moment, at a little cafe across from my work yesterday. Don't even ask me what type of cafe it was, I just know it was foreign. Being the picky eater I am, I opted for a grilled cheese sandwich. It wasn't great, but it was good. It was different. 

Today I went for another walk and stopped at a used bookstore. Then, unplanned, I stopped for just some egg rolls at a Chinese food restaurant. It was nice to read a book while I ate and watch tourists walking down the streets. 

With that little break from the monotony, I feel better. 

Although I'll still probably fall asleep as my desk later this afternoon. It's becoming a regular occurrence. I feel like I always need a nap these days. 

Anxiety: This is Where I Stand

I've written a bit about my anxiety and its attacks. And first I thought it was just stress, which is the cause but it seems to be so much more than that. I've also written about my biggest fear: throwing up. It all goes hand in hand, and the anxiety and throwing up phobia seems to be stuck in a cycle. I would get a feeling, and think I was going to be sick, which would in turn make me feel sick and have a panic attack, making me feel sicker. 

I heard that caffeine can be a huge trigger, so I gave it up. 

On my first day away for Canada Day vacation, I had a frozen Chai Tea Latte from McDonald's. It was the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, but since it wasn't coffee, the caffeine factor didn't even cross my mind until later. Already that first night, I felt on edge and a little worried over nothing all night. I was with friends I hadn't seen in forever, but the only thing I could think of was going to bed. 

The next day was a little stressful - getting back to Eric and Madi and having a family day. That part wasn't s stressful, but the heat, mixed with Chloe not having a nap and therefore losing her mind in a restaurant did not help. For a little while that day I thought my head was going to explode from stress. While that went away, and I felt better at the end of the day, I had an overnight panic attack and ended up not sleeping for most of Monday night. Because I felt so tired and horrible the next day, I was late for work and ended up leaving early. 

So I decided I wanted help. I called a mental health clinic, who asked me a ton of questions then told me who I should call. I called them, left a message and only got a call back yesterday. And I have an appointment in less than two weeks for counselling. It costs a decent chunk of money that I don't want to spend, but I want to try at least once. Something needs to be done. 

I've also been trying to eat a little healthier, which is hard on me. I'm not a big eater of fruit and veggies.I also want to get outside more and start exercising in some form. Anything, as long as it helps. 

I haven't felt like myself in months. 

My short night on the beach with Eric seemed to change things a little. We finally felt a bit more connected. Since then, instead of just existing together, it feels like we're actually together. I look forward to seeing him again. I'm not snapping at him as often. I feel happy. 

I'm just scared that he's the glue that's holding me together right now, and the first thing that happens that 'bugs me' will send me spiraling back down to the beginning. 

I just want to feel happy, stay happy, and be nicer to these people I love and live with. I'm trying so hard. And it is so hard. 

So that's why I'm going to counselling. At least once. 

And ps.. giving up coffee is so much harder now than it first was. I miss sipping on a cold, caffeinated drink on a hot day. Smoothies and slushies just aren't the same. 

Giving up Caffeine Changed Me

Last Friday I was getting tired of feeling like I was going crazy all the time. My own brain was kind of ruining my life. I decided that morning to cut back on my daily coffee. I had just a little. 

Saturday I spent the day with Chloe and let Eric take my car to work. I had no way out. Normally in this case I would go out and get a coffee before he left. I didn't. I didn't make one at home either. When I felt the typical caffeine withdrawal headache coming on, I took Tylenol immediately. The headache didn't get too bad, and eventually went away. 

I didn't have a coffee on Sunday. Or Monday, Tuesday, or today, Wednesday. 

I've been caffeine-free for 5 days now, and I already feel a difference. 

After feeling kind of sick and having no appetite all day Friday, I've been able to eat as normal ever since. I I've barely thought about getting sick. I'm still extremely irritable, but I'll try to work on that. The huge thing is, Eric came home from work sick on Sunday and I didn't freak out about it. 

I'm not a huge pop drinker, but I've avoided  that as much as I can anyway. I'm trying to drink more water. I'm trying to get outside more. 

I thought I'd miss coffee, but really I just miss sipping on a warm drink, so sometimes I make or buy hot chocolate. It takes so much better without the added coffee. And no side effects. 

Giving up caffeine was the best decision I've ever made, it seems. I wish I had known how easy it would be sooner. 

The Thing I am the Most Afraid Of

Tuesday, May 7 - The thing you're most afraid of

I don't know where, how, or when it started, I just know I've been like this for a really, really long time. I'm terrified of getting sick. Not stuffy nose, fever, coughing sick. I'm terrified of losing my lunch kind of sick. 

I can specifically remember most times that I've been that kind of sick since I was six years old. Once when I was 6, once when I was 11, once when I was 17, three times in between because of liquor, once when I was 21, and once when I was 24. How insane is it that I remember that? 

For awhile, I was able to get so worked up just at the thought of it, that I would almost make myself get sick. I would have myself convinced that I had the flu. It's crazy that the body can work that way, but I've learned that it does. 

For the longest time, I was doing so much better. It was practically years where I had almost no panic attacks over it. That was a good time in my life. 

Lately I've been living a little more on the crazy edge though. 

Chloe had the flu the night before Valentine's Day, and I managed not to freak out too much over that one. Until boyfriend had the flu a couple of days later. I went into pure, insane panic mode for days. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him that night, or the night after. I was up all night myself, not feeling good, thinking I was going to catch what they had. I washed every single article of fabric that came in contact with anyone. I washed all door handles and everything a hand could touch. I used hand sanitizer every time I so much as stood up. 

That was my worst panic episode yet. 

But I didn't get sick. A couple of weeks after that, one of the kids woke up crying and the second I woke up I went into a panic. I was up for most of that night. I missed work the next day, because after I stopped feeling like I was going to be sick, I was exhausted and slept most of the day. 

I've had many, smaller panic attacks since then. Every little feeling in my stomach, I question. Even if it's just an uncomfortable 'full' feeling. I'm trying to work through it, and make my brain just shut off and stop thinking. I'm trying. 

I'm also starting to believe counselling wouldn't be a horrible option for me, because this does sometimes interfere with my life. It definitely interferes with my happiness. 

And you know what? Actually throwing up isn't that scary. But before it happens, the anticipation? Nearly kills me. 

And that, boys and girls, is what I'm the most scared of. 

What do I really do?

Monday, May 6 - Besides my job, what do I do?

I do daycare pick up and drops off. I struggle to put diapers on and then to take them back off. I make breakfast, dinner, and lunch. I put it on the table, then round up all the bunch. 

I wipe tiny hands and tiny faces. I drag kids around with me to all the places. I kiss and hug and cuddle. I buy the rain boots and rain jackets so we can jump in all the puddles. 

On fun days, I paint little fingers and toes. 

On gross days I wipe a lot of boogers off of noses. 

I put clutter away. I do the laundry. I sweep the floor. I wipe the counters, tables, all surfaces and doors. 

I fill the gas tank, buy the clothes and buy the groceries. The week we had a cat I was in charge of picking out the fleas. 

I remember the appointments, the lists, the forms to fill. I remember the deadlines for all the bills.  

I always want to sleep, have very little time to eat. I'm always on the go. My mind it never slows. 

But this is my life. There are some things I'd like to change, but most of the things I wish  they'd always stay the same. 

Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

May 3 - Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

Feelings

Especially feelings that lead to crying. I never know what to say or do. Cue uncomfortable silence. 

Bugs

Mostly they make me  feel terrified and/or panicked. But if one is somewhere in the house because it narrowly escaped being killed, I just feel very uncomfortable until it's gone. 

Praise

People praising me for doing something trivial. Or even something big. Just awkward. 

Revealing Clothes

I'd rather wear my shirts as shirts, and bottoms to go with them. 

Sex Scenes in Movies

When I'm watching it with a parent/grandparent. It's not so bad now that I'm 25, but still awkward enough. 

What makes you uncomfortable?

My Life Story in Less Than 250 Words

So I'm taking part in a challenge. Blogging everyday in May. This might prove difficult, since I never blog from home (weekends), but I'm going to try anyway. It's hosted by Jenni at Story of my Life, who I've blogged about before. 

May 1 - My Life Story in 250 Words

I was born in a super small town in a super small area in Canada in October 1987. Four years later my Mom, a single mother, blessed me with twin siblings - girl and boy. We moved around a lot, never going too far, but far enough that I changed schools many times. We eventually settled not far from my hometown when I was 12, and stayed there until I went away to college. I wasted my time at college, and never ended up using my education, but eventually got a job that I was dreaming about anyway - working in a hotel. Four years later I still love this line of work and this company. In January 2011 I found out I was pregnant. I was still with my on and off again ex of two years at that time. When my daughter was two months old, I moved out of his place to live on my own with the baby, and met my current boyfriend not even 2 months later. Fast forward about a year later and we're living together with my daughter and his. Just proof that you'll never know where your life is going to take you next. (202 words!)

What is your life story in 250 words or less?

It's my SITS day!

It's my SITS day. Yay. 

Some of you may not know what SITS even means. It's not a disease, I promise. The short explanation is The SITS Girls is a community of women bloggers, all out to support one another. (SITS stands for the Secrets is in the Sauce). 

For those who are new here, let me introduce myself. 

I'm Venassa. I'm in my mid-twenties, a Canadian girl. I'm sort of the single (working) mother to Chloe, a tiny 16 month old girl. A year ago (yesterday) I officially started dating the sweetest guy, who now lives with us, and has a two year old daughter of his own, who stays with us a couple of days a week. So I'm not so single anymore. 

Boyfriend and I plus girls - December 2012

Around here, I talk about my baby girl the most, boyfriend the second most. They're more interesting than I am. 

I just started a weekly link-up called I'm Wondering Wednesday, where I ask questions and we all answer. It's been thrown off schedule due to today being my SITS day and last week's hospital craziness, but it'll be starting up again on Wednesday the 13th. Every other Thursday I do a Pinterest link-up. Come back tomorrow and link up you favorite cookie pins. 

My blog doesn't have much of a schedule. It can be random, most times boring, but it's real. I talk about the good things like a New Year kiss, the fun things like celebrity sightings, and the awkward things like relationship insecurities.

So I hope you'll say hi, tell me a little bit about yourself. I'd love to get to know you. Thanks for visiting :)

What Type of Blogger Are You?

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When it comes to blogging, you might hear a lot about 'niches'. 

It comes up a lot especially if you're looking to make money off your blog. If you blog fits nicely into a 'niche', then it'll attract more people interested in that niche, advertisers know if they're product will fit with your blog, and yada yada. Some examples would be: video games, weight loss, parenting, etc. 

I don't really follow the niche rules. I blog about whatever I want. I follow any blog I like, regardless of how much I may have in common with that blogger. Funny single girl blogging about make-up? Hell, I don't even wear make-up much but if you're funny, I'm there. 

I don't know if these count as niches, but the blogs I tend to follow can be stereotypically summed up as such:

 - Single-girl blogs. Now, these girls aren't necessarily single, but they're unmarried. They're usually gorgeous, their men are gorgeous, they do tons of fun things, and make me envy their life. A lot of them tend to have and adore their fur-babies. (See: All in My Twenties and Pink Lou Lou)

 - Married-girl blogs. These girls are married without kids. Kind of similar to the single-girl blogs, except with more wedding photos and a nice looking man at their side. 

 - Mom blogs. I've loved mom blogs since before I became a mom myself. Mom blogs are always full of great advice, tons of cute pictures, and funny stories. Except mine. I'm not funny. (See: Things I Can't Say)

 - Funny blogs. Do I really need to explain this one? (See: The Bloggess. More importantly, you need to read this post on picking your battles)

And of course there are other categories, there are mixed categories. These are just the few that stand out. 

I don't know where I fit in. I never thought of myself as much of a niche blogger. I tried to do the craft blogging, but I didn't have the time or energy to keep up with it, although I really wish I could keep it up. 

I'm a mom, and I do blog a lot about babies and motherhood and all sorts of that boring stuff, but I don't feel like a mom blog. Maybe others see me as one. I could understand that. Even when I wasn't a mom, I wasn't a single girl going on exciting adventures. I was even more boring. Maybe I'm just a miscellaneous blog, mixed with a big chunk of mom blog. 

What do you think? What blog type am I, and more importantly, what blog type are you?

20 Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

This blog is still fairly new, so I haven't written a whole lot about myself in here. Frankly, I'm kind of boring (or so I think) and it's a bit more interesting to write about Chloe. Especially because it's a great way to get all those little memories in writing. Today it's my turn, and I'm going to list 20 things you probably don't know about me if you're just starting to read my blog. Let's go.

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1. I have a younger brother and sister. They're twins.
2. I met boyfriend and his daughter the night before his daughter's first birthday.
3. When I drink coffee, it makes me get really hungry twice as fast then if I had done. 
4. My daughter was born on my ex step-father's birthday. 
5. I only have one friend who lives nearby, and she lives an hour away. 
6. I have just as many close guy friends as I do girl friends. 
7. I'd much rather drink and go to a wedding dance than drink and go to a bar.
8. I would have my walls completely covered in photos if it wouldn't be too smothering.
9. I don't like to eat almost every fruit, and many, many vegetables. 
10. I like all kinds of music, but country is my absolute favorite.
11. I love coloring, still have some old coloring books kicking around and bought some new crayons recently. 
12. I love logic puzzles, fill-it-in word puzzles, and sudoku puzzles. I'm ready for old age. 
13. I'm addicted to buying used kids clothes. 
14. I absolutely hate making food if it's just for me. 
15. How I Met Your Mother is my favorite show (among many others)
16. I recently lost all my photos on my computer, so I've been taking a million new ones to make up for it. 
17. Failbook.com is my go-to site when I'm extremely bored and have a computer to kill time on. 
18. I'm not a fan of cooking AT ALL, I usually let boyfriend do that every chance I get, but I love baking sometimes. 
19. If I had a bit more free time in the run of a day I'd love to start scrapbooking again.
20. I never realized how much I use Photoshop for blogging lately until I lost it with my computer. 

What are a few things I probably don't know about you? Comment below or write a post and leave me the link!