Things Chloe Says...

Chloe is so full of words and fun these days. I've started keeping track of some of the funny things she says in my phone when they happen.

Random things she says a lot:

"That's not how you play!"
"Mommy, why you do that?" - Usually when I do something she doesn't like when playing.

Mommy: Are you my girl?
Chloe: No, I Chloe.


March 25, 2014
Mommy: What's up, Chloe baloney?
Chloe: What's up, Mommy baloney?

April 9, 2014
Chloe: The water's gone down the hole.
Mommy: Then where does it go?
Chloe: The pyramids.

April 16, 2014
Chloe and Eric picked me up from work. I got in the car:
Chloe: Hi Mommy, did you have a good work?

April 22, 2014
(Chloe got a new stuffed Diego doll)
Mommy: Do you like your new Diego doll?
Chloe: Yeahhh. He's beautiful!

April 28, 2014
Eric: Are you jealous?
Chloe: No I not, I'M CHLOE!

May 3, 2014
Chloe and I were playing in my bed with a couple of boxes and their lids. I had one and she had one. We traded. Hers had a big hair in it, so while I had it, I picked the hair out and threw it away. When we traded back, she opened her hair-less box and said:
"Oh no. Did you eat it?"
A minute later she tries to pull hair out of my head to put back in the box.

May 3rd - "Look, an oval!"
We can thank an iPhone app for that knowledge.

May 3, 2014
Chloe and I made a fort and were playing in it. We needed to hide because she said the witch was coming.
Mommy: Why do we need to hide?
Chloe: Because the witch is angry.
Mommy: Why is she angry?
Chloe: Because she's mean.
Mommy: What is she going to do if she finds us?
Chloe: She going to smash us.

While in the fort I also taught her that Princesses is the proper word, not Pinpesses. I love her pronunciation so much better though.

May 3, 2014
Chloe's belly started hurting so she needed a bandaid put on it. That didn't stop the pain, so she thought she needed another.

Early morning wake up call

In Chloe's room, we normally have a child-proof lock on her door handle so she can't get out and roam the apartment in the middle of the night. Even though it's a tiny apartment, I still sleep with the baby monitor on so I can hear her better, but I don't hear her door opening. 

She also likes to open and shut her door a lot throughout the day when she's playing. So we took the handle off yesterday since everyone was home for the day. At night we forgot to put it back on. 

I was in a really deep sleep when I heard a noise beside me this morning. I open my eyes to find Chloe staring at me next to my bed. I sleepily pull her up on my bed and she hugs me then cuddles down with me for a minute. In typical Chloe fashion, she can't lay still for longer than a few seconds. So I finally look the the clock. 6am.

We weren't due to get up until 6:45am. I thought it would've been closer to that time. 

I quickly got her a fresh diaper, a new drink and told her it wasn't time to get up yet. I tucked her back into bed and drifted in and out of sleep myself for the next little while. It was still early, but a little closer to the alarm going off, even though I had set it for 15 minutes later in hopes of falling back to sleep, when she started singing in her bed. One of my favorite noises. It was early, but I could even appreciate it that morning. 

I finally dragged my butt out of bed and crawled into bed with her. She wanted to read a book for all of a minute before she was ready to get up and play. 

I'm kind of tired today. 

But there are much worse ways to wake up. 

Even so, Eric's task for the day is to take her curtains down and hang them up better. The sun shining on her face this morning is probably the reason she was up so early. Normally I have to wake her up. 

I am Lazy.

This morning as I dropped Chloe off at the babysitter's house, I was asked if I just dyed my hair. Not in a couple of months, no. Later in the afternoon, I had a co-worker asked if I had just cut my hair. The other two agreed that it looked different as well. Nope, no haircut. 

But something is different. 

Today is day one of my third week at this job, and it's the first time since my first day of work that I've taken my hair out of it's always-there ponytail and straightened it. I even *gasp* put on makeup. 

Eric noticed that I was putting makeup on for the second time in three days and jokingly asked if I was having an affair. 

The whole world erupts when you all of a sudden start putting a bit of effort into your appearance, or so I've learned. I'll admit that the attention even feels a bit nice. And it also feels nice to feel like I don't look like "The Mom" in the less-than-designer clothes, messy hair and naked face. Although my clothes are still cheap. 

In reality, I'm just a lazy person. When given the choice to sit on my butt, or get off it and put on makeup and play with the hair straightener, I pick butt-sitting. I'm oh so lazy. 

I get dressed up for weddings. Bar nights. Parties. Not a whole lot else. 

In reality, I spend a lot of my non-working time driving people to and from work and babysitters, making meals, washing little hands, bathing a little body (and my own slightly bigger body), playing with babies and princesses, running around the apartment dancing and yelling, wiggling our butts, jumping on beds and reading some books with exaggerated voices. 

That's pretty much all I have the energy for most days. 

I yawn a lot. 

Being a mom makes me lazy. 

.

.

That's a lie. I was always lazy. Now it's just worse. 

Toddler Moments

Last night's toddler battle: 

"Chloe, stop drinking the tub water."

*Giggle, then drink more*

"Chloe, you're going to be sick if you keep drinking tub water. It's dirty. Ew. Gross. Stop."

*More giggles*

Repeat about 6 more times before giving up. 

Then there was when she peed on the floor immediately after the bath. Luckily, right before I took her to my bed to be diapered and pj'd. Unluckily, I had to move and wipe down furniture anyway. 

--------------------

Chloe always goes to bed like a dream. Without a fight. Gives lots of hugs and kisses and loves to swing before going to bed. 

That's why I was surprised when she started crying as soon as I sat on the couch after putting her to bed. I grudgingly went upstairs to see what was up. 

"Ohhh no!" She screeches, no longer crying, as soon as the door opens. "Mess!"

Sure enough, she managed to get the cover off her sippy cup and her crib was drenched in milk. Even though the sheet and blankets and her clothes had absorbed a nice amount of milk, there was still enough to make a big puddle in the middle of the crib. 

Toddlers are fun. 

The Best Part of My Days

I haven't had it in me to blog the past few days. It's hard to write when you're not feeling happy if you don't want to write about what's making you feel that way. 

Soon I'll post about Chloe's birthday. 

The party was really great, and I really loved seeing all the friends and family. She's been teething though, so there were some meltdowns and she didn't sleep well that night. She slept okay last night, and I'm hoping tonight goes well enough too. I can handle waking up 1-2 times. When it gets to 3-5 times, I stop being able to function properly. It really makes me appreciate her (normally) awesome sleep habits that much more though. 

My life has been a whirlwind of worry. 

I go to work and spend a lot of my time job searching, apartment searching, babysitter searching, looking over our budget, tweaking our budget, applying to some jobs, and eventually doing some actual work. 

Then I get to pick the kids up, rush through dinner - which Madi typically won't eat anyway, then make our way through a bath most night, and trying to referee their playtime the rest of the time. On the really bad nights, we call it a Dora night and just let the tv do it's thing. 

Finally, bedtime rolls around. I've started making it a bit earlier, since we have to wake the kids up each morning to get ready for work and daycare, so obviously they could use some extra sleep time if they're not already awake. I always look forward to tucking my step-daughter into bed, then sitting in the rocking chair in the dark in Chloe's room. Chloe sits with me, of course, and we either read a book or sing. Usually we sing. 

The Wheels on the Bus

ABCs

The Little Green Frog

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Those are our favorites. Chloe knows a lot of the words. 

It is by far the most amazing part of my day. We don't always get much alone time, and especially not much cuddle time, so it feels so nice to have that time with her. 

Everything else just feels like a mess. 

I Want to Be Better

I once read an article in Redbook about a regular, everyday woman who was doing some everyday chore when she was hit with a panic attack all of a sudden. That sounded so scary to me. Little did I know that at the time, I was just beginning to fall into my own deep anxiety issues. But I still can't believe that anxiety seems to start with just the snap of a finger. 

Once upon a time, I used to have panic attacks over the thought of throwing up, and usually if I could distract myself, the panic would pass after 15-30 minutes. This winter, I thought I was actually medically ill, because I started feeling sick quite often, but not much ever came of it. I only later realized it's because I was having frequent panic attacks, and that's what was making me feel sick. The difference was, these panic attacks were lasting hours. Some of the after-effects were lasting almost a full day. 

I've written many posts on my anxiety before. I'm starting to feel it's never-ending. I'll be dealing with this for life. I just read this post online on Redbook about anxiety and it just shows how quick it comes on, but it also gives me hope that I might be able to be semi-normal again. 

The flu was passing through so many of my co-workers last week. I became a germophobe, and couldn't get enough of my hand sanitizer. I took Gravol a couple of times to help me fall asleep without panicking. But on nights I didn't take it, there are two times this week that I've woken up in a panic. I can more easily fight off a panic attack when I'm aware of when it's starting. If I wake up in a panic, I'm lost. The first day, I tried so hard to fight it. It was around 6am on a workday when it started. Closer to 8am, I gave up and took another Gravol and watched tv in bed. Eric took care of the girls and I knew I'd be late for work. The Gravol worked its magic, and I started falling asleep, and I napped until I had to drop Eric off at work. When the same thing started to happen the next morning at 3am, I took a Gravol immediately and went back to sleep. The third night, I took a Gravol before bed so I wouldn't wake up in a panic at all. It worked. That was last night. 

I worry that I'll get addicted. That I'll be dependent on it. 

I worry that I'm never going to be normal. That I'm always going to feel worried or nervous when my stomach feels something just as simple as fullness. That panic will always be in the back of my mind. That I'll never have more than one or two good days in a row. I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of my life, of Chloe's life, because I don't feel good over a panic attack. I also think it may someday ruin my relationship, as I think a lot of my mean-ness is related to anxiety as well. 

I go to my third counselling appointment next week. Because of our income, my fees for counselling have been  cut in half, so it's less to worry about, but it's still an expense that's hard to squeeze in. But I'll do anything at this point. 

I just want to be better. 

I believe I'm just a few steps away from seeing a doctor and asking if there's anything they can do. Maybe medication is the next step. I don't know. I just want to feel really happy again. 

I just want to be better. 

Toy Shopping for a 2 Year Old is Hard to Do

I cannot believe it's that time again. It's almost Chloe's birthday. It seems like just yesterday that it was her first birthday party. I think I'm more excited for this year's party since she'll be walking and eating and aware of the people and presents. And I think she'll be excited because the theme is Dora the Explorer and my little girl is obsessed with her. 

The toughest part of this birthday stuff, is figuring out what to get her. I got two presents picked out and purchased, but a friend sent me money to buy a gift on his behalf so I'm still browsing around for something perfect. 

With her love of dolls, I wanted to get a really nice doll, but the selection in town isn't great. 

I thought of getting her art supplies and Play D'oh. 

I thought of getting her something to do with Dora. 

I thought of getting her food and dishes for her kitchen. 

So many options, and when I'm at the toy stores, nothing stands out. 

The dolls are all either too boring, or too advanced for her age. We have enough play food for now. We can get art supplies for both girls for Christmas, and they'll be a little older then so they might not eat it all. 

I'm at a loss for great ideas. It's hard to buy for the kid that already has so much. 

What toys do your 2 year olds love?

The Mean Person I've Become

I don't know exactly when it was that things changed. I have no idea why. 

One day, I was a regular, normal person. I'd like to think I was nice enough. 

It seemed like it was all of a sudden that the changes happened. I was so irritable. It took almost nothing to set me off. I had so little patience with my children and boyfriend. To this day, I'm still left reeling, wondering what happened to the old, nicer me. 

I read a Letter of Apology to a husband from a wife that really hit home with me. These words the author spoke, I could've written them to my own boyfriend:

"I’m sorry that I act like it’s your job to read my mind. I’m sorry I make you feel like you can’t win for losing. I’m sorry I criticize the lunches you wake up early to pack for the kids as being “too snacky” and the outfits you dress them in as inappropriate for the weather."

Most of the time, the crazy gets out before I can stop it. Sadly, other times I know I'm being irrational but I just can't stop myself. 

My boyfriend is easily distracted. I think he's partially deaf. It takes him 3 times as long as me to complete the same simple task. Those things drive me crazy, and seem to affect so much of our daily life. 

But those things shouldn't matter. There's a bigger picture here. 

He bathes the girls by himself every bath night. He dresses, changes, and cooks for them, often without being asked. He hands over his paychecks without question, keeping very little for himself. He sits through episodes of Sex and the City and follows the plot. He lets me sleep in anytime I want. He gets the girls ready and takes them to daycare by himself when I don't feel great. He always does the dishes. He will happily join me in a cleaning marathon every now and then. He usually goes along with anything I want to do. He rarely complains when I turn down suggestions of things he wants to do. 

To sum up, he's pretty much amazing when it comes to everything. But the little things bug me. I need to get better at this. I don't want to be this mean person I've become. 

There's Nothing Like Mommy Guilt

I've felt guilt many, many in my life, but there's nothing quite so bad as mommy guilt. 

I feel little pangs of it daily over little things - letting the kids watch too much tv, or not feeding them a good enough supper. 

But sometimes it's not little pangs. And those bigger moments, they stay with you and tear at you all the time. I've never experienced anything like it. 

I read another blog post today: The Time I Almost Killed My Child. I teared up thinking of what the mother was going through. The fear. The gut-wrenching sadness. And then the guilt. Her child was allergic to nuts, and she accidentally gave him a cookie with hazelnuts in it.

It brings me back to my guiltiest moment. 

At the end of this past January, Chloe was sent home from daycare with a fever on Thursday, seemed fine Friday, but was sent home again with another high fever. Usually she gets fevers from teething, but this seemed very different. I took her to a clinic immediately Friday, where I was told it was just a cold or flu or whatever. She had a rough weekend, which ended with a huge coughing fit Sunday afternoon until she was throwing up, but still coughing. 

I took her to the emergency room to get checked out. I guess the fact that we were taken in pretty quick was a bit of a bad sign. My adorable little 16 month old was diagnosed a day or two later with pneumonia and the influenza virus. She was admitted to the hospital Sunday afternoon. 

As soon as I learned she'd be admitted, I was holding back tears. I had to leave the room for them to put her IV in, because I knew I'd never survive listening to her cry. Eric was home from work then, and came pretty quick to the hospital when I told him she would be staying. 

Now for the guilty part? I left her there alone that night. I left. I waited until she was fast asleep, and we went home to eat and sleep ourselves. 

How did I leave my little baby alone in a hospital room overnight? By herself? And at the time I thought it was okay. I justified it. It absolutely kills me now. 

I told the nurses to call me if anything happened, if she woke up. We just live a minute away. The nurses said she slept all night, which comforted me, but that doesn't matter. I left her. 

My Mom came up the next day. She spent the next 4 nights at the hospital with Chloe while I went to work and slept at home. I'd stop by in the morning, and spend the evening there until she went to bed. How did I not take more time off work? I was new to  the job, but how is that an excuse? How was I not there every minute that I could be? I'm so grateful my Mom was there to help out, because we couldn't afford me missing the time at work, and I know I never would've worked if Chloe was alone. I never would've just left her alone at the hospital. 

But I still don't know how I felt leaving her was okay at the time. Now I don't think it's something I'll ever get over. I hope from now on I'm always there when my baby needs it. No matter what. Even thinking about her hospital stay really makes me want to just hold her and hug and kiss her. 

Mommy guilt. It's insanely powerful stuff. 

Chloe, at 23 months old

I am quite simply amazed by my daughter lately. I just can't get enough of her. 

She says so many things now. "Mommy help." "No corn."

She sings songs. The Wheels on the Bus. The Map song from Dora the Explorer. Mmm mmm went the little green frog. 

She gives so many hugs and kisses. 

She loves so many things: shoes, hats, stickers, keys. 

She loves rocks. She needs to stop and pick some up all the time. It should be kind of annoying but it's adorable. 

She loves crackers too. A little too much. Grapes are also a huge favorite these days. 

She's a huge Mommy's girl. Always loves to be around me. It's hard sometimes when I want to get something done, but I love it the rest of the time. She's also a good Mommy herself. She just loves playing with her babies. 

She hates getting her finger and toenails cut (who actually likes that?), so if you see her, ignore how bad they look. I can usually cut 2-4 at a time, before she loses her mind completely. 

She is absolutely obsessed with Dora the Explorer. It's too cute. I used to hate characters like Dora, but now I'm on board. Which is why we're having a Dora the Explorer-themed birthday party in September. I already did most of the supply shopping - just need balloons, and I'm debating a pinata since I saw an awesome Dora one for only $15.

These Dora the Explorer bead sprites I made will serve as part of the decor.

But to get back on topic, I just can't get enough of this little girl. There just aren't enough hours in the day to spend with her. 

Mother's Intuition

Mother's intuition is kind of weird. Amazing, yet weird. 

Chloe was pretty cranky yesterday evening. I knew she didn't have the best day at daycare - she didn't sleep well because of her cough and didn't like what they had for lunch so she barely ate - so I figured she was more than ready for bed. 

She seemed 'off' and a little warm when she woke up shortly after. She woke up because her cup had leaked and she was soaked, but I had a feeling something else was bothering her too. She ended up sleeping through the night after that. 

She seemed okay this morning until I wouldn't let her play with my keys. That meltdown lasted until I left daycare. 

She didn't want to stay at daycare at all. She cried, hugged, wanted to stay with me. It kind of breaks your heart. She hasn't done this since October/November. I didn't feel right about it. 

Lo and behold, the daycare called me just before 10:30am to tell me she had a slight fever, and asked if they should give her Tylenol, which I agreed to. They said they'd call back in a half hour if she needed to be picked up. It's been an hour, so I hope that means she's okay now. 

I'm hoping it's just teething. I'll have to try to inspect her mouth tonight. 

But I knew it! I knew all along something was 'off'. 

I'm planning on leaving work a little early today, just to have more time at home with both girls tonight. Our lives have been a little too hectic lately since Eric lost his car. 

Parenting in Blended Families is HARD

Let's get honest here for awhile. 

Sometimes this really isn't what I want. Two kids. 

I want 2-3 kids, I think I always have. But upon having Chloe, I wanted my first child to be my only kid for awhile. I wanted to spoil her, and teach her, and let her have all of my attention. 

I never would've imagine that at 18 months my only daughter would get an older sister. That I would get an older child. A child already shaped and molded by somebody else. A child with someone else's eyes and hair. Another child so different from me and my child. 

A child I would have to raise, with no previous mother to child bond. 

It's not what I wanted, or ever expected. 

I never expected to watch someone else parent my child. Someone so different from me. I never thought of how different it is to parent someone else's child, along with your own. Sometimes you find yourself wanting to be more strict with your own child, or maybe you find it easier to be strict with the other child. It's hard to find balance, especially with two kids so close in age, but also so far apart. 

You can't expect the same things from a 20 month old that you do of a 28 month old, but it's hard to know where to draw the line. 

There have been many, many days that I've wanted to give up. Some days I want to give up on the child, other times the relationship with her father. Never both. Something always makes me want to keep going, and I hope it always does. 

I spoke to someone just last night who knows a lot about our situation, and a lot about children of this age. 

She explained to me that though a lot of it might be hard, just think of how hard it was before. We're getting there. Things are getting easier. We've already laid the foundation for building 'security' with Madi. Stability. It might get harder, but it will also get easier. 

That's comforting. 

The hardest part is me. 

I can't stop comparing the girls. I can't make myself feel for Madi what I do for Chloe. I'm sure with time it will come. 

And our parenting styles. We are so different when it comes to parenting and that affects both our relationship and our relationships with both girls. I like control and consistency, while he likes to go with the flow and doesn't think about the consequences with most things he does. 

I am firm. If I threaten a time out, you'll get the time-out if you don't change the behavior. He threatens time out a lot more, and doesn't always follow through. When he disciplines his daughter, she laughs at him. This could be because when he should be disciplining her, he instead distracts her by playing with her. So now when he says no, she just remembers all the other times he says 'no', then throws her up in the air and makes her laugh. She associates doing something wrong with playing. When he tells her to go to him, she either throws a fit or runs away from him laughing. She doesn't do that with me. If she doesn't do what I want, like stay at the table until I wash her hands, I make her and she knows it's not a laughing matter. When I say no to something, there is minimal whining and crying between me and Madilynn. It is the opposite between her and her father. 

And he's the opposite with Chloe. He has no problem being firm with her. 

I know he knows there's a difference between what Madi is like with me, and what she's like with him around, but it's impossible for him to actually witness it. 

It makes things difficult all around for everyone. 

We had a quick, slight argument over it this morning. It's a hard thing to discuss and work out. 

It's not always right and wrong when it comes to parenting, so it makes it harder. 

(But if I had to choose I'd say he's wrong and I'm right!)

The Terror that is a Night Terror

I wake up shortly after midnight to Chloe, just starting to cry. 

It's night number two of going to bed without a bottle, and she went to bed crying because of it. She's not a fan of change. I wish I could keep her on the bottle for longer, because I hate seeing her unhappy, but I think it's time. 

I go in to check on her, hoping she drank some of the milk in her sippy cup, but she didn't really drink much. 

I reach for her. She's still crying, but as I reach for it's like she just lost it. Her back is arching, her limbs are flailing. She's pushing so hard with her feet that she's hitting her head against the rails on the crib. She tries to bite her arm, a new thing she's started doing when she's upset. 

I quickly pull her out of the crib, so she's not hurting herself. It's like wrestling with a bull. She's doing her best to fight me off, which makes it hard to get downstairs, but we make it. I unfold her couch so it's like a little bed and I set her down. She continues kicking and screaming, throwing her body around. At one point she grabs her foot and tries to bite it but I stop her. That makes the crying and screaming louder. It's like there's a demon inside her, trying to get out. 

This goes on for less than 10 minutes, but it feels like an eternity. I want to get some milk for her, in hopes that it will calm her down, but I don't want to leave her. I'm scared she bites herself again, and since she's not exactly conscious, she might break skin. 

That's right, she's not even really conscious. 

It's heartbreaking. 

Her screaming slows, and she's just regular crying. I pick her up again, and this time she's not really fighting. Almost like magic, she "falls asleep" in my arms. I say "falls asleep" because she was never really awake. She looks so little, so precious. I'm crying. I hate seeing her like this. 

A couple of minutes pass, and she starts whining. Her normal, everyday whining. I take her into the kitchen and set her on the counter. I can tell she's back to herself now, because she reached for the bin of pens that hangs on the fridge, and smiles. I fill a new sippy cup with milk for her and ask her to hold it for me. She does. 

She whines a little as I take her upstairs, but I tell her it's "night night" time. I lay her down, nudge her to her side, and she cradles her sippy cup half in her mouth. Her eyes are half closed as I cover her up. 

All is well again. This is the second time that it's happened in a month or two. I think it's the 4th or 5th time it's ever happened to Chloe. Night terrors. So scary. So real. 

A Typical Weekday in My World

A Day In My Life

7:03 am - Both iPhone alarms go off. At the same time, even though both alarms are always in the same spot. One should be set for later, but somewhere along the lines they got messed up. Boyfriend shuts them off the gets comfy again. I'm half asleep, but still annoyed because I know we need to get up, and the person who shuts the alarms off is responsible for getting lazy asses out of beds. 

7:10 am - We finally get up, get dressed, and most days wake up the girls. Rarely are they up before us. Lucky, I know. I grab Chloe from her crib, and lately let her pick out which long-sleeve shirt she wants to wear. I want her to wear long sleeve ones because soon it'll be too hot for them. 

7:20 am - We make it downstairs and throw a breakfast together for the girls. Usually cereal or toast. When we have a bit more time it might be pancakes or omelets. 

7:25 am - I sneak back upstairs to grab my phone (take 3/4 of the above photos), and lay in bed for a few minutes because I'm cranky and don't want to deal with anyone but Chloe at the moment. 

7:40 am - Get the girls dressed for the day. Madi fights it the whole time, just narrowly escaping a time-out, which she ends up getting soon after when she still fights to get her coat and boots on. 

7:55 am - Out the door, hopefully, with Eric with me on Wednesday and Fridays (which are days that we do our day on a schedule a half hour later). Alone with Chloe on Mondays and Tuesdays. Just me and the girls on Thursdays. Off to daycare we go. 

8:05 - 8:15 am - Arrive at daycare. Take off coat and put on indoor shoes on Madi. Hugs and kisses for Madi, then she runs off. Talk to the daycare chef about her diet for a few minutes, then repeat the same routine for Chloe. Hugs and kisses, then (today only) without being prompted she tells me 'I la', which means 'I love you'. It kills me a little. I'll probably never forget it.

8:19 am - Drive-thru for coffee on somedays. I've skipped it a lot lately, but today I also skipped breakfast, so I got a cinnamon roll. 

8:25 am - 4:30 pm - Arrive at work. Check my email, my voicemail, my Facebook. Do some work. This is where it gets boring. I sporadically eat throughout the day. Snacks, maybe leftovers from the night before, or a nasty cup of microwave KD. Yum yum. Time flies from 4:00 until 4:30 and I'm free to go. To daycare, of course. 

4:45 pm - Arrive at daycare. The girls are usually outside if it's nice out. Grab whichever one sees me first. Usually it's Chloe because her play area is smaller, and Madi is too busy playing to even look up. I grab Madi second, and try to get Chloe to stay in one spot while I dump Madi's boots that are full of sand. Drag two kids to the car and away we go. 

5:00 pm - Drag the girls in, wash their hands, and change their clothes if needed. Turn on some cartoons and give sippy cups and hopes that distracts them so I can whip up some kind of a supper. It works for Madi, almost never for Chloe. She's an attention freak. 

5:15 or 5:30 pm - The kids eat. Rarely, but sometimes I eat with them. Rarely, but sometimes I'll do a few dishes. Usually I just supervise the eating, since Chloe likes to throw it more than eat it some days. 

6:15 pm - Some days we have to leave at this time to pick Eric up at work, now that his car is broken down and we're sharing a car. We did this yesterday. 

6:33 pm - Daddy was late! But arrived a minute later, looking like a creep with a tuxedo t-shirt on. I'd like to burn that shirt. (Ps, how do you like our sunglass collection? We still have two more toddler pairs that are missing from the pile.)

7:00 pm - Snack time! Applesauce or yogurt or raisins or crackers, etc. 

7:20 pm - A new routine: read a book in our bed while they drink their milk. It was semi-successful. They listened to some of the book, but didn't drink much milk. 

7:30 pm - Bedtime! Insert sighs of relief. 

7:35 pm - 9:30 pm - All the relaxing in the world. 

9:30 pm - Bedtime is on my mind usually. 

10:15 pm - Bedtime! Or close to it. And luckily we usually get to sleep through the night until the alarm goes off again at 7:03 am. 

And that, my friends, is what our days are like lately. 

10 Things I Really Hate About Parenting

Today's writing prompt (from Blog Everyday in May) was supposed to be "A Day in My Life", which I absolutely love. However, it is now almost 10am, and I'm at work without a single photo being taken today, so I'm going to postpone it until tomorrow, so I can remember to take some actual pictures. I was going to do tomorrow's prompt instead, but I think I'll skip it altogether. I can do that, right? I mean I'm still blogging? I miss blogging on the weekends anyway, so sue me.

Instead, I present to you,

1. Potty Training.

I'm putting it off to the max. (Did I just say 'the max'?) I can't comprehend how toddlers can be fully able to tell you when they need to 'go', although I know a lot can. And I cannot just let my toddlers run wild and naked, doing their business all over the place, although that does work for many. 

2. Nutrition. 

I hate stressing and worrying about if my kid is getting enough of this and that, or eating too much of this and that. 

3. Bottle Weaning. 

I need to get my almost 20 month old off the bottle. But our sleep schedule is so perfect right now. I don't want to mess with perfection, and she is not a sippy cup fan. 

4. Sippy Cup Weaning.

Our two year old relies on the sippy to go to sleep just as much as the younger one relies on her bottle. It's a sad, sad addiction. 

5. Bottle/Sippy In Bed Conundrum.

Both girls drink their milk in bed. Yep, it's bad because of tooth decay and choking and such. I want to switch them so they're drinking milk, then going to bed. With water, because I can't bear to pull the sippy cups away completely, although I know I should. 

6. Discipline.

I don't know which battles to pick, and with which girl. Since they're 8 months apart, I know I can't discipline Chloe for the same things as Madi. Some things Madi should just know better. Also, I think time outs work great for Madi, but Chloe is still too young. But at the same time, I think I let Chloe get away with more because she's my baby, while Madi is still new to me so the connection isn't as strong yet. 

7. The Step-Parent Connection.

This is a tough one to admit, but I'm sure it's not uncommon. Chloe is my biological child. I've known her for her entire life. Madi is kind of my step-child. I've known her since she was a year old (which is almost as long as I've known Chloe!), but I didn't raise her for her first two years. I spent minimal time with her. I wasn't in charge of decisions for her. We didn't have one-on-one time. We don't have that bond. Chloe fills me with so much happiness. I just want to hug and kiss her all the time. I don't feel that with Madi. At all. I love her, but I love her differently, and with a little less passion. That will change eventually, won't it?

8. The Mommy/Daddy Issue.

I'm Chloe's Mommy, and Eric is Mady's Daddy. Therefore, our home is a huge confusion of Mommy and Daddy. Both girls know who they're biological parents are. Eric doesn't care, and goes with the flow. It doesn't bother me what the kids calls us, since I'm under the impression that we're not breaking up so Chloe will grow up with two father figures and Madi with two mother figures. I'm not sure where the other parents stand on this issue, but I don't push Mommy and Daddy on the girls, one way or the other. When we pick Eric up from work, I tell the girls we are going to get Daddy. When I'm talking to Chloe specifically, I tell her to go say 'night night' to Eric. She still has started calling him Daddy from time to time, but she doesn't light up like when she sees her real Daddy. 

9. Vomit and Such.

I'm terrified of throwing up, as I've mentioned before, so puke is one of my least favorite things. I deal with it much better though when it's one of the kids because I can blame it on the randomness of their little stomachs or teething or something. When they're older, I hope I can still deal with it as well. 

10. Mommy Guilt.

We all have it. I try not to let it consume me, or worry about it much but I always feel guilty about something. Every time I think about when Chloe was in the hospital, I feel so guilty that I let her spend that first night in the hospital alone. How did I do that? How did I leave my baby sleeping alone in a hospital crib with only nurses checking in on her? I felt okay about it at the time, but I feel guilty about it now almost every day. I also feel guilty about trivial things, like when I don't spend enough time with her, don't teach her enough new things, don't read to her. Especially when I have a mean moment, and snap at her or raise my voice. Ugh, I feel guilty about it all just thinking about it.

What are some things that you hate about parenting? 

A Moment in My Day

Thursday, May 9 - A Moment in My Day

I'm picking a moment from yesterday, because we all know I won't blog if I leave it until I get a picture tonight. And no one wants to hear about the moments I spend at work.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day. The kids were sweaty and sandy when I picked them up from daycare. I couldn't wait to get them fed so I could put them in fresh, pretty summer clothes. That's what we did, and then we got in to the car to pick Eric up from work, with the girls dancing in their car seats as usual. 

Fast forward to when the girls are fast asleep, and Eric and I get to be nerds, working on more bead projects. 

Yesterday was a good day. 

Advice to My Daughters

Wednesday, May 8
Advice to my Girls

Be Yourself. Someone is always going to hate you anyway, so let them hate you for the right reasons. 

Know when to stand up for yourself, and when to let things go. 

Be a good friend. Make phone calls 'just because'. Be the friend who knows when to show up on the  doorstep with a bottle of wine. Be someone people can talk to. Make the kind of friends that you can always talk to. 

Hoes before bros, or something like that. 

Don't ever be afraid to fall in love. Love can knock you down and kick your ass, but love isn't the enemy. Loving the wrong people is how you come to know when you're loving the perfect person. 

What am I saying.. no one is perfect, but someone is perfect for you. 

Know when to love, and when to move on. Sometimes the right thing doesn't feel like the right thing. Trust your heart. 

Money doesn't grow on trees, but you shouldn't feel guilty for splurging on ice cream every now and then. 

Make sacrifices, but know when you're making too many. Don't let people walk all over you. 

Having children is amazing. But finish your childhood before giving someone else one. 

Always love your mother. Because no matter what anyone else ever tells you, no one loves you more than I do. 

How to not become a crazy stressed out Mom

May 2 - Educate

Today I am here to teach. The topic is supposed to be something I know a lot about or am good at. Hmm...

Rather than putting some real effort into teaching something I know a lot about (I can't think of anything!) I am going to teach you how to Not Become a Super Crazy Stressed Out Mom. 

I:

- Worry about budgeting
- Worry about grocery shopping
- Worry that I'm not eating healthy enough
- Worry that my kids aren't eating enough variety of foods
- Worry that we need tires, car repair, dental work done and can't afford it
- Worry that we'll never be caught up with our debt
- Worry that my car is going to break down
- Worry that I'm not doing enough activities with the kids
- Worry that the house isn't clean enough
- Worry that I'm not working hard enough at work
- Worry that I won't get enough sleep tonight
- Worry that I'll be late for work
- Worry that the kids won't nap
- Worry that I'll get a super headache if I don't have caffeine fast enough
- Worry that I'll get sick
- Worry...
- Worry...
- Worry...

So how to not become a super crazy stressed out Mom?

Stop giving a shit about most of that stuff.

You're welcome!

(If only it was that easy, right?)

Things I Would Never Do As a Mom

Everyone has those list of things they said they'd never ever do as a parent, before they had children. That wasn't really the case with me. I was completely winging it, open to almost everything. Taking it one thing at a time, and going from there. 

Co-sleeping?

My daughter made that decision for me. She wouldn't sleep (after the newborn stage) unless she was left alone. I don't want to share my bed anyway. Unless she's sick, and we did do that once. 

Eating junk food?

She never got much, because she was a horrible eater anyway. If I gave her junk food, then I'd probably never be able to get her to eat fruit and veggies again. These days she does get some junk food now and then. 

Cloth-diapering? 

It sounds like a good idea, but I'm lazy. 

Solids before 6 months? 

She would barely eat solids at a year. 

Discipline?

Tantrums will never get her what she wants. Unless it was some special situation and I really need to stop the crying. If you need to cry, go cry but kicking and screaming get you no where with me. Time outs? It's all fair game after the age of two. 

Are there any things you said you'd never do? 

Organized Mom 101: The Path to a Home with Less Stress

I don't know how mothers of larger families stay on top of everything. I really don't. 

To lay it all out for you, I work full-time outside of the home, a Monday to Friday daytime job. It's basically perfect. My boyfriend works full-time, but his job doesn't allow him to ever be home before 6:00pm. We have two girls - 19 and 27 months old. 

There's cleaning, there's meal planning (which I fail at), cooking, there's budgeting, scheduling, errand running, list making, and whatever else I'm forgetting. And my life is simple - we don't have any evening activities, homework, etc. 

All these things I do, combined with my boyfriend's horrible memory, makes for a lot of stress. 

Cleaning

I've been using Fly Lady to help figure out a cleaning schedule that works better for us. I do believe in her philosophy that having a shiny, empty sink is the perfect way to start your day. Eric is the one who does the dishes daily, so in order to have the shiny sink, I have to convince him to start doing the dishes at night instead of in the morning.

Some of our problem spots are: kitchen table (kids like to throw food) and clutter building up on the counter, fridge, microwave, tv stand and basically all over. And taking forever to get laundry put away. We need to work harder on our problem spots. 

Organization

I have become a believer in home organization binders. And that makes me feel O.L.D. I'm still trying to throw mine together in hopes that it will relieve a lot of my stress. 

On Pinterest I have a board just for free printables, Here are some of the most helpful ones that I've personally used: 

Free Home Binder Printables 

(Printables for cleaning, meal planning, to-do lists, emergency contacts, basically everything!)

Free Perpetual Birthday Calendar

Anoter free Meal Planning Printable

Errand Running

I refuse to do errands with both girls, and I usually won't even do much with one girl, so I make quick stops after work when I can. Since payday always falls on the weekend that Chloe is with her father, I do most of my shopping that weekend. I do my simple bulk shopping (pancake mix, gluten-free essentials, hot chocolate) at one store after work on Friday. I usually do my full grocery shopping and any other errands on Saturday. I'd rather do the grocery shopping when boyfriend can come with me, otherwise I forget things. 

I have a base grocery list that I alter for every shopping trip, so that I don't forget the important things and so I know how much I need of each. 

I'm going to elaborate more on all of these as I come up with tips and tricks that help for us. This is just what's on my mind today. In the meantime, what are some of your favorite tips and tricks for staying on top of everything at your place?