Things are hard lately

Earlier this week. I bought a second-hand Diego plush toy. It matches the Dora one I bought for Chloe maybe about a year ago. She absolutely loves it, and plays with both of them all the time now. And of course her little Boots the Monkey too. Sometimes even her Pikachu doll plays too. I spent $5 on Diego, $2 on Dora because of the paint in her hair, and a few dollars on Boots on Ebay. Overall, the best $10ish dollars ever spent, because she's in love. I love seeing her so happy. 

Things haven't been too fun lately. Eric's job shut down. He found a new job a few days ago, but it's going to part-time for quite awhile, and by the time he starts the new job, he'll have had 3 weeks off with no pay. 

To add to that fun, his ex is fighting him in court soon for child support payments (which he already makes, but not sure how he'll afford with his loss of income), for 50% of his daughter's daycare, which he also couldn't afford with no job, or even with one. When she was in our care, the government helped us with the costs because we're low income. She doesn't qualify because her and her boyfriend make a lot more money than us. She's also fighting for a very strict visitation schedule. Madi will need to be picked up between 7:30-8:20am on the days he takes her, and she wants it to be the same days, always. He already committed to taking her all Thursdays a long time ago. We got a huge book in the mail yesterday from her lawyer, complete with texts and emails they've exchanged. He's obviously going into this court appointment with their intentions to make him look like the worst father in the world. There were even some blatant lies in the book. It's insanely stressful. In the document it states that he owe her 50% of all daycare costs since she stopped living with us in October. 

If she wins and he's ordered to pay the child support and daycare effective immediately, I don't know where they expect the money to come from. He's doing all he can to find a full-time job, and it's not his fault his former job shut down. We're terrified. 

It doesn't help that since becoming common-law, the government decided we need to pay back all money they've given to me since we started living together. You think they would've given me the heads up on that when I specifically called and asked when they needed to know about our marital status changed. They said when we became common-law, aka a year. I guess they just forgot to mention that they'd take away all money from me from the day we started living together. That was a nice bill to get in the mail, considering we had two children in our care for most of those months. 

To add to that, I've started waking up 2 out of the last 3 nights with a toothache. It's from a tooth that was pulled but they left a piece of it in long ago. I'm calling first thing Monday to see when I can get into the dentist. 

The stress just won't stop. 

As soon as I manage to push one thing out of my mind, we get a new letter in the mail either from a lawyer or the government to kick us in the ass again. 

We're pretty sure that with all the money everyone thinks we owe them, our wedding may not happen anytime soon. So we'll be out even more money in the deposits we made, but we shall see. The officiant is already paid in full, and I already have the dress so maybe it'll happen. 

I'm tired of stressing. Usually I just try not to think about any of it.

The toothache is the hardest to ignore. 

Life just isn't fair

I don't know how I would begin to describe this weekend. 

It started off well enough - I shopped some yard sales, cleaned some my house. 

In the afternoon, I went out to the race track to visit my best friend who's husband is part of a racing team. His best friend is the one who does the racing. I had a really great afternoon hanging out with my friend and some of her friends - one being the wife of the race car driver. I also got to see his two kids - one is only two and the baby is 10 months. I got to hold the 10 month old for awhile, which I loved of course. I love me some cute babies. I also asked my friend to be my maid of honor - the first and only person so far to be asked to be in my side of the wedding. It was a great afternoon. 

I left go pick up Eric and since Madi was actually staying with her mom for the night (first time in months) we made some last minute plans to visit his sister and go out. I drank, he didn't. It was nice seeing his sister and her boyfriend. The 'bar' part of it wasn't great, but still a decent night. 

We were back home, in bed and asleep probably just before 1am. I had no idea of the message that I got shortly after, that was waiting for me when I got up around 8am. 

All lights were off, and Eric was still asleep when I checked my phone for the time. I think it was 8:17am. But there was also a message there from my friend. 

Their best friend that drives the race car, the best man from their wedding, he got in a one car accident during the race and passed away. My heart dropped. I woke Eric up saying something like "Oh my God. Oh my God." He was still half asleep when I turned on the light. 

I was frozen. I didn't know what to do or say. How do you respond to that? Had I received the message when it was sent, I probably would've rushed right out to where they were. 

I felt so sad for my friends. I knew how badly this would hurt them, how close they were to this man. But more so, my heart was completely broken for the two little boys he left behind. His wife. It hurt so much more after just spending that afternoon with them. His wife was so sweet and friendly. The boys were adorable. Everyone was so happy. Things change SO QUICK. 

I teared up a lot that morning, but I didn't actually cry until I dropped Eric off at work. He offered many time to stay home and keep me company, but I made him go. It was hard to see him leave on this particular morning. Things change so quick. 

I had a harder time keeping it together when he wasn't there. I called to see if I could stop by Chloe's father's house to see her for a minute. I just wanted to hug her, to see her happy face but she was gone with her grandmother. I got home and saw that the wife had been on Facebook, saying goodbye to her husband, best friend of many years, father of her children. I lost it. 

Life just isn't fair. 

I think of the little boys and think of what it would be like if either of my children lost their fathers. What it must be like to lose a spouse of 14 years. I think of how my friends must be feeling - because it would be like me losing them. They weren't blood, but they were  family. 

I absolutely hate that my friends are going through this. I feel so useless and helpless through it all. 

Life just isn't fair. 

Just a bit of summer disappointment.

This might be a bad time to write, as I'm a little disappointed with something right now, so I'm wallowing a little bit. 

The past few days have been great crazy. Within the next month and a half, all of my friend will be home from.. well, all over the world. There's one from the other end of Canada, and even one who's been living in the Dominican, plus a couple more that don't live nearby anymore. 

We might even all be able to get together at my place on July 13th to have a reunion/baby shower for my friend who had a baby in March. 

It's all pretty exciting, but I'm disappointed. 

The last weekend in June we were supposed to go off-Island to visit friends. Eric, Chloe and I, taking another friend with us. I knew it was a long shot that Eric would get the time off work so last minute, and on Canada Day weekend, so I shouldn't be as disappointed as I am that he can't go that weekend. 

We can't change the date of the trip without missing out on seeing other friends, or having to go without the friend who was travelling with us. Still, I'm really sad to go without him. 

In the past couple of months we've had one day alone together, and one night. Not at the same time. We couldn't do much the night we were alone together because he worked that day, and first thing the next morning. The day we had off together we spent doing groceries and errands, and couldn't make real plans because we had to pick Madi up just after supper. Time alone just doesn't really exist. 

This will probably just be the first of many disappointments over the summer. Anything we want to do together we always need to find a babysitter for Madi, since she can't sleep at her Mom's. Every other weekend we'd also have to find a sitter for Chloe, on the weekends she's not with her father. 

It's like we'll never have any time together to do anything over the summer unless it's with the kids. 

I'd love to have just one weekend away, but I don't even want to think about it, because it would probably never end up happening anyway. 

Happy freaking Tuesday. 

Some filler stuff

I promise I'm still here, and might blog again someday soon. (Tomorrow?) Work has been really busy, and I never feel like blogging at home. To be honest, I never feel like doing anything at home. I'm in a sad, sad place. 

But don't worry about that. No one ever does. 

Watching tv with my babygirl last night. No place I'd rather be. 

When I'm missing you this much, I drive your truck

Every once in awhile you find a song that really hits home. I mean really.

The first time I heard this song, my brother actually sang some of it obnoxiously, asking if I'd ever heard the  song. I hadn't. It came on the radio a few days later, and I immediately recognized the song. I knew what it was about, and I knew it would make me cry. It wasn't until this past weekend that I actually got to listen to it. And as predicted, it made me cry. 

Watching the video and reading the comments may have made it worse. 

The song is about a man who drives his deceased brother's truck, to remember him and ease the pain. 

I relate to the song, and not because I know anyone close to me who's died and left something behind, but because I know someone who's a little bit older, and through circumstances out of his control, will have nothing left to leave behind by the time he goes. 

One of my favorite people in the world is my grandfather. He's my father figure, always will be. He had a stroke November 25, 2010. I don't like to post links from my previous blog, but this is the post I wrote a couple of days after the stroke.

Since then, an uncle of mine managed to get Power of Attorney, without any input from the rest of the family. My grandfather never had a Power of Attorney in his will, so we still don't understand how this has happened. 

For legal reasons, I will leave my personal opinion completely out of this, and only state what I know. 

My grandfather spent his first couple of months after the stroke in a seniors home, after which he moved in with his sister. He spent all of his free time doing work on his house, just down the street. I know with all my heart that he couldn't wait to move back to his home when it was ready, he just needed my uncle to help make the bathroom usable again.

My grandfather can communicate a little, but he can't understand a regular sentence without a lot of writing and explaining, and he can't speak it, unless reading. He is literally unable to speak for himself.

Almost immediately, both of my grandfather's vehicles have been sold, as well as his tractor, and wood has been sold from land he owns. 

A little under a year ago, this particular uncle's house burned down. I can still find the news article from March 2012, and I will quote it "The exact cause is undetermined due to the extent of damage." My uncle and his family now live in my grandfather's house, with no plans to rebuild after the fire.

My grandfather no longer has any intentions of moving back home. I know he's hurting over this. I see it in his eyes. I see it in his expressions when he makes me drive past the house and shakes his head sadly.

I don't know for sure what has happened to all of his possessions, most of which are antique furniture. I've been told that his furniture and possessions were sold or in storage. I've also heard from someone close to me that my grandfather took them to a junk yard where all his things were thrown out, and pictures were taken.

When my grandfather dies, other people will be living in his house, all his furniture and household items are gone, and all his vehicles have been sold. He has nothing but his clothing to leave behind.

I always took comfort in the fact that when he was gone, yes I'd be devastated, but his house would always be there as a comfort to me and my family. This house is my childhood home. I lived there for a year with my grandparents when I was 5. That house means the world to me. I always thought it would be there. I don't believe that anymore.

The ironic part of this story? Everything was willed to me.

So here is the song that breaks my heart, because when the most important person in my life goes, I'll have a ton of amazing memories but I'll never be able to 'drive his truck'. 

If you're a big cry baby like me, here are a few others that still make me cry almost every time:

Alyssa Lies - Jason Michael Carroll
Concrete Angel - Martina McBride
The Change - Garth Brooks
I'll Wait for You - Joe Nichols
I Loved her First - Heartland

Life is Killing Me

Life is really trying to kick my ass lately. 

I don't know if I narrowly escaped death, and in return I get tons of bad luck. I don't know if it's a life lesson to teach me that material things don't matter. Whatever the case, I'm not sure how much more I can take. 

It all started with the flu in early July. I'm terrified of throwing up, and it only usually happens every few year. That was certainly put to test. Shortly after that, my car started smoking, broke down, is too broke to be fixed, and has been sitting lifeless in my parking lot ever since. 

I had come to term with the loss of my car, and things were looking up a bit as I started working up a nice chunk of savings to buy a new car. I was skimping on groceries, under paying my bills, and cutting corners everywhere I could. 

Fast forward to about two weeks ago. I got a letter in the mail from H&R Block saying my tax refund was less than what they originally paid me, and I had 10 days to pay them more than $500. There's a good way to slow down my savings. 

And just when I'd finally started coming to term with the loss of my car, and my car savings, my computer went and died last night. Completely dead. 

My ex, who knows a bit about computers, looked at it and it seems the hard drive is dead, and nothing can be recovered from it. Not only did I lose my computer, but I also lost all of Chloe's photos and videos from birth right up until yesterday. All that's left is what's on my camera memory card from the last few days. If you knew me at all, you would know that this is a huge tragedy to me. Obviously not as bad as death, or something bad happening to a loved one, but losing all those memories is at the top of the list of the worst things that could happen to me. 

To top it all off, due to some confusion on both our parts, I won't be using the babysitter I had lined up for Chloe starting October 1st. I'm starting fresh looking for childcare, and I only have a month to do so. 

Boyfriend has been absolutely amazing through all of this - letting me use his car, driving me around, letting me use his computer, entertaining me when I feel like my head is going to explode, helping with Chloe when she won't go back to sleep from 1-3am. He is the only reason I have any sanity left. 

So if I go a little crazy, which I'm sure I already have, that's why. 

And if I'm barely around any more when it comes to blogging, that's also why. 

* This is the place where I'd throw in a photo, but I don't have photos any more *