I've felt guilt many, many in my life, but there's nothing quite so bad as mommy guilt.
I feel little pangs of it daily over little things - letting the kids watch too much tv, or not feeding them a good enough supper.
But sometimes it's not little pangs. And those bigger moments, they stay with you and tear at you all the time. I've never experienced anything like it.
I read another blog post today: The Time I Almost Killed My Child. I teared up thinking of what the mother was going through. The fear. The gut-wrenching sadness. And then the guilt. Her child was allergic to nuts, and she accidentally gave him a cookie with hazelnuts in it.
It brings me back to my guiltiest moment.
At the end of this past January, Chloe was sent home from daycare with a fever on Thursday, seemed fine Friday, but was sent home again with another high fever. Usually she gets fevers from teething, but this seemed very different. I took her to a clinic immediately Friday, where I was told it was just a cold or flu or whatever. She had a rough weekend, which ended with a huge coughing fit Sunday afternoon until she was throwing up, but still coughing.
I took her to the emergency room to get checked out. I guess the fact that we were taken in pretty quick was a bit of a bad sign. My adorable little 16 month old was diagnosed a day or two later with pneumonia and the influenza virus. She was admitted to the hospital Sunday afternoon.
As soon as I learned she'd be admitted, I was holding back tears. I had to leave the room for them to put her IV in, because I knew I'd never survive listening to her cry. Eric was home from work then, and came pretty quick to the hospital when I told him she would be staying.
Now for the guilty part? I left her there alone that night. I left. I waited until she was fast asleep, and we went home to eat and sleep ourselves.
How did I leave my little baby alone in a hospital room overnight? By herself? And at the time I thought it was okay. I justified it. It absolutely kills me now.
I told the nurses to call me if anything happened, if she woke up. We just live a minute away. The nurses said she slept all night, which comforted me, but that doesn't matter. I left her.
My Mom came up the next day. She spent the next 4 nights at the hospital with Chloe while I went to work and slept at home. I'd stop by in the morning, and spend the evening there until she went to bed. How did I not take more time off work? I was new to the job, but how is that an excuse? How was I not there every minute that I could be? I'm so grateful my Mom was there to help out, because we couldn't afford me missing the time at work, and I know I never would've worked if Chloe was alone. I never would've just left her alone at the hospital.
But I still don't know how I felt leaving her was okay at the time. Now I don't think it's something I'll ever get over. I hope from now on I'm always there when my baby needs it. No matter what. Even thinking about her hospital stay really makes me want to just hold her and hug and kiss her.
Mommy guilt. It's insanely powerful stuff.
