Let's get honest here for awhile.
Sometimes this really isn't what I want. Two kids.
I want 2-3 kids, I think I always have. But upon having Chloe, I wanted my first child to be my only kid for awhile. I wanted to spoil her, and teach her, and let her have all of my attention.
I never would've imagine that at 18 months my only daughter would get an older sister. That I would get an older child. A child already shaped and molded by somebody else. A child with someone else's eyes and hair. Another child so different from me and my child.
A child I would have to raise, with no previous mother to child bond.
It's not what I wanted, or ever expected.
I never expected to watch someone else parent my child. Someone so different from me. I never thought of how different it is to parent someone else's child, along with your own. Sometimes you find yourself wanting to be more strict with your own child, or maybe you find it easier to be strict with the other child. It's hard to find balance, especially with two kids so close in age, but also so far apart.
You can't expect the same things from a 20 month old that you do of a 28 month old, but it's hard to know where to draw the line.
There have been many, many days that I've wanted to give up. Some days I want to give up on the child, other times the relationship with her father. Never both. Something always makes me want to keep going, and I hope it always does.
I spoke to someone just last night who knows a lot about our situation, and a lot about children of this age.
She explained to me that though a lot of it might be hard, just think of how hard it was before. We're getting there. Things are getting easier. We've already laid the foundation for building 'security' with Madi. Stability. It might get harder, but it will also get easier.
That's comforting.
The hardest part is me.
I can't stop comparing the girls. I can't make myself feel for Madi what I do for Chloe. I'm sure with time it will come.
And our parenting styles. We are so different when it comes to parenting and that affects both our relationship and our relationships with both girls. I like control and consistency, while he likes to go with the flow and doesn't think about the consequences with most things he does.
I am firm. If I threaten a time out, you'll get the time-out if you don't change the behavior. He threatens time out a lot more, and doesn't always follow through. When he disciplines his daughter, she laughs at him. This could be because when he should be disciplining her, he instead distracts her by playing with her. So now when he says no, she just remembers all the other times he says 'no', then throws her up in the air and makes her laugh. She associates doing something wrong with playing. When he tells her to go to him, she either throws a fit or runs away from him laughing. She doesn't do that with me. If she doesn't do what I want, like stay at the table until I wash her hands, I make her and she knows it's not a laughing matter. When I say no to something, there is minimal whining and crying between me and Madilynn. It is the opposite between her and her father.
And he's the opposite with Chloe. He has no problem being firm with her.
I know he knows there's a difference between what Madi is like with me, and what she's like with him around, but it's impossible for him to actually witness it.
It makes things difficult all around for everyone.
We had a quick, slight argument over it this morning. It's a hard thing to discuss and work out.
It's not always right and wrong when it comes to parenting, so it makes it harder.
(But if I had to choose I'd say he's wrong and I'm right!)
