Beautiful Moments

I can picture beautiful moments.

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Sipping a cup of coffee on a quiet fall morning.

Giggles at a playground.

Pretty fall boots.

The excitement on my children's faces when I pick them up at daycare.

Watching a really great movie.

Fresh, warm laundry on a cold day.

Baking some fresh, homemade treats. 

Curling up with a great book. 

Hiding under the blankets. 

Cuddling with the right person. 

Singing songs in the rocking chair. 

Some of them are a reality. Some I could easily recreate, but they don't feel the same. I'd love to get up a little early and relax with my coffee, but often I don't wake up feeling great. I'd love to read a great book, but I just can't relax enough to do it when I'm home. Going to the playground is more stressful than just staying home. 

I can't escape my own mind. I've been better, but I still can't escape. I want to fully enjoy all of those things, and more, without my mind wandering and worrying about my anxiety. I want to live a normal, happy life again. 

I don't know why anxiety had to take over my life, but I wish there was an easier way to kick it out. 

I Want to Be Better

I once read an article in Redbook about a regular, everyday woman who was doing some everyday chore when she was hit with a panic attack all of a sudden. That sounded so scary to me. Little did I know that at the time, I was just beginning to fall into my own deep anxiety issues. But I still can't believe that anxiety seems to start with just the snap of a finger. 

Once upon a time, I used to have panic attacks over the thought of throwing up, and usually if I could distract myself, the panic would pass after 15-30 minutes. This winter, I thought I was actually medically ill, because I started feeling sick quite often, but not much ever came of it. I only later realized it's because I was having frequent panic attacks, and that's what was making me feel sick. The difference was, these panic attacks were lasting hours. Some of the after-effects were lasting almost a full day. 

I've written many posts on my anxiety before. I'm starting to feel it's never-ending. I'll be dealing with this for life. I just read this post online on Redbook about anxiety and it just shows how quick it comes on, but it also gives me hope that I might be able to be semi-normal again. 

The flu was passing through so many of my co-workers last week. I became a germophobe, and couldn't get enough of my hand sanitizer. I took Gravol a couple of times to help me fall asleep without panicking. But on nights I didn't take it, there are two times this week that I've woken up in a panic. I can more easily fight off a panic attack when I'm aware of when it's starting. If I wake up in a panic, I'm lost. The first day, I tried so hard to fight it. It was around 6am on a workday when it started. Closer to 8am, I gave up and took another Gravol and watched tv in bed. Eric took care of the girls and I knew I'd be late for work. The Gravol worked its magic, and I started falling asleep, and I napped until I had to drop Eric off at work. When the same thing started to happen the next morning at 3am, I took a Gravol immediately and went back to sleep. The third night, I took a Gravol before bed so I wouldn't wake up in a panic at all. It worked. That was last night. 

I worry that I'll get addicted. That I'll be dependent on it. 

I worry that I'm never going to be normal. That I'm always going to feel worried or nervous when my stomach feels something just as simple as fullness. That panic will always be in the back of my mind. That I'll never have more than one or two good days in a row. I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of my life, of Chloe's life, because I don't feel good over a panic attack. I also think it may someday ruin my relationship, as I think a lot of my mean-ness is related to anxiety as well. 

I go to my third counselling appointment next week. Because of our income, my fees for counselling have been  cut in half, so it's less to worry about, but it's still an expense that's hard to squeeze in. But I'll do anything at this point. 

I just want to be better. 

I believe I'm just a few steps away from seeing a doctor and asking if there's anything they can do. Maybe medication is the next step. I don't know. I just want to feel really happy again. 

I just want to be better. 

And today, I feel better

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Today I'm in a good mood. A real good mood. These have been rare lately. 

I read a post about Happy on Story of my Life, and Jenni talks about a documentary her and her husband watched about happiness. One of the things they talked about is how even the smallest change in your routine can attribute to your happiness. Then I got started thinking about my routine. Stressful morning, long boring day at work in a basement office with no windows, stressful evening, then relax for 1-2 hours before bed. 

It's not a great routine when you put it that way. 

So I decided to start trying new things. I decided I'd start leaving the building more during my lunch break to get a bit of a break from the dark office. I stopped, spur of the moment, at a little cafe across from my work yesterday. Don't even ask me what type of cafe it was, I just know it was foreign. Being the picky eater I am, I opted for a grilled cheese sandwich. It wasn't great, but it was good. It was different. 

Today I went for another walk and stopped at a used bookstore. Then, unplanned, I stopped for just some egg rolls at a Chinese food restaurant. It was nice to read a book while I ate and watch tourists walking down the streets. 

With that little break from the monotony, I feel better. 

Although I'll still probably fall asleep as my desk later this afternoon. It's becoming a regular occurrence. I feel like I always need a nap these days. 

Working on Getting Better

What would make me happy? 

That's something I can't even answer for myself anymore. 

It started as a simple question. I sold $25 in baby clothes last weekend, and I said if I made $30 I would buy the girls each a new fall coat from Wal-Mart. They have cute ones for $15 each. I usually just buy used. But then I realized, all I do is spend money on the girls. They both already have decent second-hand coats. I should spend the money on me. But what would make me happy? What could I spend money on for me? 

I wouldn't think of much of anything. 

Once upon a time I would spend it on craft supplies, but I don't really do that anymore. I could spend it on clothes, but I have a ton of clothes anyway. Same goes for shoes. Make-up and toiletries I could just work into our budget. Something for the house? I couldn't think of anything. DVDs or tv shows? I couldn't think of anything. 

What happened to the girl who used to love shopping for anything? Am I even losing that part of my personality? I feel like bit-by-bit whatever is going on in my head is wiping out all parts of me. I'm not the same person anymore. I starting to barely feel like a person at all. 

Money can't buy happiness, but what happened to the thrill of buying something new? I want that back. 

In the larger sense, a friend asked me just a few days ago what would make me happy. What would need to  change for me to be happier? To be less stressed? 

Some of those are a little more clear, but some are near impossible. 

- I want to feel nauseous less often. 

- I want Madi to be able to spend the night with her mother more often (more often than never), so when Chloe's gone we can sleep past 6:30am.

- I want a nicer place to live, with a nicer backyard.

- I want to walk into our bedrooms and have a good feeling. 

- I want someone to talk to who doesn't always need to talk about their same one problem over and over. 

- I want to be able to drink caffeine when I want without consequences. 

- I want to have and enjoy hobbies again. 

- I want to enjoy time with my daughter more often than a day or two every other weekend. 

- I want a day every now and then that doesn't revolve around sippy cups and crackers. 

- I want to get out of the house with people who aren't my immediate family. 

- I want to enjoy eating again. 

- I want to feel hopeful about my future. 

- I want to be able to leave for a weekend I want, without worrying about Eric finding a way to get Madi back and forth to her Mom's 4 times since she can't spend the night. 

- I want a stable job when this one is over in October. 

- I want to feel less guilt over my children. 

- I want to enjoy blogging like I used to. 

It's time to start getting better. 

Waiting..

I don't want to talk about stuff anymore. 

The weekend was okay. Chloe was gone, so I cleaned and had some 'me' time. I said 'fuck anxiety' and I had coffee. The day was great. But the coffee killed my appetite, and then I spent the entire evening feeling sick from hunger, but the thought of any food made me feel worse. I managed to get down some milk. I fell asleep, still felt bad when I woke up around 1am, but felt fine in the morning. Well, not fine. I was super sad and depressed feeling after being woken up at 6:20am by Madi on my day to sleep in. But I didn't feel sick. I spend more days feeling sick than not lately. I don't know how to help myself anymore. I'm miserable. 

I go for counselling tomorrow. But since it's about $100, it'll probably be a one time thing. I'm not sure what one time will do, but I hope it does something. 

I need to feel better. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. We got our engagement pictures taken and got the disc for them. Can't wait to print them off. 

2. All my old friends (and one of Eric's friends) came up last Saturday for a celebratory BBQ and to have some drinks. Amazing time. 

3. I finally got to meet my friend's baby, Emma. 

4. Eric and I spent a (free) night alone in a hotel room. We swam, we had room service, we watched Big Brother. 

5. We had a friends and family day at Fun Park. The kids had a blast. 

6. Chloe was sick Tuesday night. It's heartbreaking to see her like that. She spent most of the night sleeping on the basement floor on towels so she could be close. 

7. Thursday night I was sick. I still don't know if it was actual sickness, or anxiety related. But I can't do this anymore. I need help. I need something. This is killing me. 

8. I took a vacation day Wednesday to spend it with my best friend who was staying in town with us for two nights. It was great getting to spend time alone together and to really talk. 

9. I missed Big Brother on Thursday (due to being sick) and haven't seen Dexter yet, due to all the time away and with friends. Plus we're halfway through a movie. Eric and I have some tv to get caught up on. And I might be too tired to do it tonight. 

10. It's Friday afternoon and I'm currently falling asleep at my desk as I type. 

Anxiety: This is Where I Stand

I've written a bit about my anxiety and its attacks. And first I thought it was just stress, which is the cause but it seems to be so much more than that. I've also written about my biggest fear: throwing up. It all goes hand in hand, and the anxiety and throwing up phobia seems to be stuck in a cycle. I would get a feeling, and think I was going to be sick, which would in turn make me feel sick and have a panic attack, making me feel sicker. 

I heard that caffeine can be a huge trigger, so I gave it up. 

On my first day away for Canada Day vacation, I had a frozen Chai Tea Latte from McDonald's. It was the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, but since it wasn't coffee, the caffeine factor didn't even cross my mind until later. Already that first night, I felt on edge and a little worried over nothing all night. I was with friends I hadn't seen in forever, but the only thing I could think of was going to bed. 

The next day was a little stressful - getting back to Eric and Madi and having a family day. That part wasn't s stressful, but the heat, mixed with Chloe not having a nap and therefore losing her mind in a restaurant did not help. For a little while that day I thought my head was going to explode from stress. While that went away, and I felt better at the end of the day, I had an overnight panic attack and ended up not sleeping for most of Monday night. Because I felt so tired and horrible the next day, I was late for work and ended up leaving early. 

So I decided I wanted help. I called a mental health clinic, who asked me a ton of questions then told me who I should call. I called them, left a message and only got a call back yesterday. And I have an appointment in less than two weeks for counselling. It costs a decent chunk of money that I don't want to spend, but I want to try at least once. Something needs to be done. 

I've also been trying to eat a little healthier, which is hard on me. I'm not a big eater of fruit and veggies.I also want to get outside more and start exercising in some form. Anything, as long as it helps. 

I haven't felt like myself in months. 

My short night on the beach with Eric seemed to change things a little. We finally felt a bit more connected. Since then, instead of just existing together, it feels like we're actually together. I look forward to seeing him again. I'm not snapping at him as often. I feel happy. 

I'm just scared that he's the glue that's holding me together right now, and the first thing that happens that 'bugs me' will send me spiraling back down to the beginning. 

I just want to feel happy, stay happy, and be nicer to these people I love and live with. I'm trying so hard. And it is so hard. 

So that's why I'm going to counselling. At least once. 

And ps.. giving up coffee is so much harder now than it first was. I miss sipping on a cold, caffeinated drink on a hot day. Smoothies and slushies just aren't the same. 

Giving up Caffeine Changed Me

Last Friday I was getting tired of feeling like I was going crazy all the time. My own brain was kind of ruining my life. I decided that morning to cut back on my daily coffee. I had just a little. 

Saturday I spent the day with Chloe and let Eric take my car to work. I had no way out. Normally in this case I would go out and get a coffee before he left. I didn't. I didn't make one at home either. When I felt the typical caffeine withdrawal headache coming on, I took Tylenol immediately. The headache didn't get too bad, and eventually went away. 

I didn't have a coffee on Sunday. Or Monday, Tuesday, or today, Wednesday. 

I've been caffeine-free for 5 days now, and I already feel a difference. 

After feeling kind of sick and having no appetite all day Friday, I've been able to eat as normal ever since. I I've barely thought about getting sick. I'm still extremely irritable, but I'll try to work on that. The huge thing is, Eric came home from work sick on Sunday and I didn't freak out about it. 

I'm not a huge pop drinker, but I've avoided  that as much as I can anyway. I'm trying to drink more water. I'm trying to get outside more. 

I thought I'd miss coffee, but really I just miss sipping on a warm drink, so sometimes I make or buy hot chocolate. It takes so much better without the added coffee. And no side effects. 

Giving up caffeine was the best decision I've ever made, it seems. I wish I had known how easy it would be sooner. 

My Own Mind Is Making Me Crazy: Anxiety Attacks

It's no secret that my biggest fear is of throwing up. A few months ago (February) when Chloe and Eric came down with the flu, my phobia got a little out of hand and I have yet to recover. I'm starting to realize that my phobia has turned into something a little bigger, and isn't just fueled by the phobia itself. 

Anxiety & anxiety attacks. 

I knew I had panic attacks from time to time if I thought I was going to throw up. Those panic attacks were great for making me feel the symptoms, and go so far as to almost get sick over it. 

I am beyond those occasional panic attacks now. 

I have frequent anxiety attacks, and I've changed. Completely. It took me a long time to realize it was all related. 

I know the biggest cause of it is stress. I don't exercise, and I don't eat well, but I've always been  that way. Stress, and the huge life change of taking in Madi and dealing with her mother are all new. And the anxiety attacks got worse around that time. 

I'm not overly secretive about it. Most people know of my fear, and Eric has seen for himself how often it seems to hit me lately but he seems to brush it off a little. I don't talk to anyone else enough to even mention it. 

The fact of it is - I'm constantly worried about getting sick. I almost constantly feel 'sick' or 'off' in some way; whether it be a headache, slight stomachache, extreme tiredness. I almost never feel fine. My appetite has taken a huge hit. Sometimes I eat fine, sometimes I can barely eat. 

I'm irritable. All the time. 

At first I blamed that on various problems and stress in my life, but it seems to be more than that. I get so annoyed or so angry at the drop of a hat. I can't get myself to relax. I have no patience. It's not all the time, but it takes almost nothing to trigger a bad mood. 

I have zero interest in most of my hobbies. 

I can't even enjoy lazing around on the couch without my mind going crazy. 

I've been told (by local strangers actually) that giving up caffeine and exercise would probably help. That might be the first thing I try. There's not much else I can do without looking into actual medical help. 

I can't get out of the house - Eric is literally the only 'friend' I have these days, and with Madi's mom the way she is, we need to find a babysitter if we want to leave the house without children. We can't afford a babysitter, and our families live an hour away. We're stuck. 

I'm stuck. 

My own mind is driving me crazy. 

The saddest part of this all, is that I've heard anxiety attacks are super common among women, especially moms. I just wish I didn't have to be one of many. 

A Weekend and a Phobia Realization

The weekend was kind of a busy one. I got to spend Saturday alone with Chloe. It was the first time in a very long time. In the morning, we bought some toys off someone - a Dora the Explorer backpack and accessories, and a vacuum. The kids are a huge fan of the new toys. 

In the evening, a friend came over and we had homemade lasagna with salad and garlic bread. It was good, but I still haven't perfected my lasagna. This time it was too dry. Again.

On Sunday, I spent most of the day with my girl again, but then went to work an evening shift at my old job. Front desk at a hotel. It was a busy night, but nice to work with people and speak to adults. Eric is one of the only adults I talk to most of the time. Some outside interaction was nice. 

We had a family day on Monday, and took the girls to visit Eric's family. Upon his mother's request, we got family pictures done. Each family individually, each couple, then everyone together. I can't wait to see them. Then we had a BBQ, which was amazing, and by then it was getting later so we went on our way. The kids missed naps so they slept the whole way home. 

Sunday night I finally finished 50 Shades of Grey (a review on that tomorrow!) and sat around being lazy with Eric. The usual. 

On a more serious note, I did some research and asked around about my intense throwing up phobia. I've always had this fear but its gotten way out of hand these past couple of months. Everything I've read and heart, points at stress being a big factor in why the symptoms have gotten crazy. I did the math, and it seems I got a little crazier around the time we moved Madi in. Just that realization alone has helped me calm down a little, to the point where all day yesterday I was able to eat without the phobia crossing my mind once. That's a start. I considering talking to my doctor about actually getting help, but I don't know if I want to go that far yet. At the same time, it might be the only step towards getting people to understand how much stress I'm actually under. 

In the meantime, I'm already expected to 'babysit' Madi for her mother in about two weeks time, giving up yet another weekend alone with Chloe. She expects us to babysit, because she kept Madi for us (and Chloe for one night too) when we moved. Under normal circumstances I would feel like we do owe her this weekend of keeping Madi. On the other hand, I kept Madi for three weekends for her because she refused to take her and, in her words, didn't care how it affected us. 

I had no idea how much it was really affecting us. 

Still, I will look like the bad guy when I say no. 

The Thing I am the Most Afraid Of

Tuesday, May 7 - The thing you're most afraid of

I don't know where, how, or when it started, I just know I've been like this for a really, really long time. I'm terrified of getting sick. Not stuffy nose, fever, coughing sick. I'm terrified of losing my lunch kind of sick. 

I can specifically remember most times that I've been that kind of sick since I was six years old. Once when I was 6, once when I was 11, once when I was 17, three times in between because of liquor, once when I was 21, and once when I was 24. How insane is it that I remember that? 

For awhile, I was able to get so worked up just at the thought of it, that I would almost make myself get sick. I would have myself convinced that I had the flu. It's crazy that the body can work that way, but I've learned that it does. 

For the longest time, I was doing so much better. It was practically years where I had almost no panic attacks over it. That was a good time in my life. 

Lately I've been living a little more on the crazy edge though. 

Chloe had the flu the night before Valentine's Day, and I managed not to freak out too much over that one. Until boyfriend had the flu a couple of days later. I went into pure, insane panic mode for days. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him that night, or the night after. I was up all night myself, not feeling good, thinking I was going to catch what they had. I washed every single article of fabric that came in contact with anyone. I washed all door handles and everything a hand could touch. I used hand sanitizer every time I so much as stood up. 

That was my worst panic episode yet. 

But I didn't get sick. A couple of weeks after that, one of the kids woke up crying and the second I woke up I went into a panic. I was up for most of that night. I missed work the next day, because after I stopped feeling like I was going to be sick, I was exhausted and slept most of the day. 

I've had many, smaller panic attacks since then. Every little feeling in my stomach, I question. Even if it's just an uncomfortable 'full' feeling. I'm trying to work through it, and make my brain just shut off and stop thinking. I'm trying. 

I'm also starting to believe counselling wouldn't be a horrible option for me, because this does sometimes interfere with my life. It definitely interferes with my happiness. 

And you know what? Actually throwing up isn't that scary. But before it happens, the anticipation? Nearly kills me. 

And that, boys and girls, is what I'm the most scared of.