The Thing I am the Most Afraid Of

Tuesday, May 7 - The thing you're most afraid of

I don't know where, how, or when it started, I just know I've been like this for a really, really long time. I'm terrified of getting sick. Not stuffy nose, fever, coughing sick. I'm terrified of losing my lunch kind of sick. 

I can specifically remember most times that I've been that kind of sick since I was six years old. Once when I was 6, once when I was 11, once when I was 17, three times in between because of liquor, once when I was 21, and once when I was 24. How insane is it that I remember that? 

For awhile, I was able to get so worked up just at the thought of it, that I would almost make myself get sick. I would have myself convinced that I had the flu. It's crazy that the body can work that way, but I've learned that it does. 

For the longest time, I was doing so much better. It was practically years where I had almost no panic attacks over it. That was a good time in my life. 

Lately I've been living a little more on the crazy edge though. 

Chloe had the flu the night before Valentine's Day, and I managed not to freak out too much over that one. Until boyfriend had the flu a couple of days later. I went into pure, insane panic mode for days. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him that night, or the night after. I was up all night myself, not feeling good, thinking I was going to catch what they had. I washed every single article of fabric that came in contact with anyone. I washed all door handles and everything a hand could touch. I used hand sanitizer every time I so much as stood up. 

That was my worst panic episode yet. 

But I didn't get sick. A couple of weeks after that, one of the kids woke up crying and the second I woke up I went into a panic. I was up for most of that night. I missed work the next day, because after I stopped feeling like I was going to be sick, I was exhausted and slept most of the day. 

I've had many, smaller panic attacks since then. Every little feeling in my stomach, I question. Even if it's just an uncomfortable 'full' feeling. I'm trying to work through it, and make my brain just shut off and stop thinking. I'm trying. 

I'm also starting to believe counselling wouldn't be a horrible option for me, because this does sometimes interfere with my life. It definitely interferes with my happiness. 

And you know what? Actually throwing up isn't that scary. But before it happens, the anticipation? Nearly kills me. 

And that, boys and girls, is what I'm the most scared of.