Anxiety: This is Where I Stand

I've written a bit about my anxiety and its attacks. And first I thought it was just stress, which is the cause but it seems to be so much more than that. I've also written about my biggest fear: throwing up. It all goes hand in hand, and the anxiety and throwing up phobia seems to be stuck in a cycle. I would get a feeling, and think I was going to be sick, which would in turn make me feel sick and have a panic attack, making me feel sicker. 

I heard that caffeine can be a huge trigger, so I gave it up. 

On my first day away for Canada Day vacation, I had a frozen Chai Tea Latte from McDonald's. It was the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, but since it wasn't coffee, the caffeine factor didn't even cross my mind until later. Already that first night, I felt on edge and a little worried over nothing all night. I was with friends I hadn't seen in forever, but the only thing I could think of was going to bed. 

The next day was a little stressful - getting back to Eric and Madi and having a family day. That part wasn't s stressful, but the heat, mixed with Chloe not having a nap and therefore losing her mind in a restaurant did not help. For a little while that day I thought my head was going to explode from stress. While that went away, and I felt better at the end of the day, I had an overnight panic attack and ended up not sleeping for most of Monday night. Because I felt so tired and horrible the next day, I was late for work and ended up leaving early. 

So I decided I wanted help. I called a mental health clinic, who asked me a ton of questions then told me who I should call. I called them, left a message and only got a call back yesterday. And I have an appointment in less than two weeks for counselling. It costs a decent chunk of money that I don't want to spend, but I want to try at least once. Something needs to be done. 

I've also been trying to eat a little healthier, which is hard on me. I'm not a big eater of fruit and veggies.I also want to get outside more and start exercising in some form. Anything, as long as it helps. 

I haven't felt like myself in months. 

My short night on the beach with Eric seemed to change things a little. We finally felt a bit more connected. Since then, instead of just existing together, it feels like we're actually together. I look forward to seeing him again. I'm not snapping at him as often. I feel happy. 

I'm just scared that he's the glue that's holding me together right now, and the first thing that happens that 'bugs me' will send me spiraling back down to the beginning. 

I just want to feel happy, stay happy, and be nicer to these people I love and live with. I'm trying so hard. And it is so hard. 

So that's why I'm going to counselling. At least once. 

And ps.. giving up coffee is so much harder now than it first was. I miss sipping on a cold, caffeinated drink on a hot day. Smoothies and slushies just aren't the same. 

My Own Mind Is Making Me Crazy: Anxiety Attacks

It's no secret that my biggest fear is of throwing up. A few months ago (February) when Chloe and Eric came down with the flu, my phobia got a little out of hand and I have yet to recover. I'm starting to realize that my phobia has turned into something a little bigger, and isn't just fueled by the phobia itself. 

Anxiety & anxiety attacks. 

I knew I had panic attacks from time to time if I thought I was going to throw up. Those panic attacks were great for making me feel the symptoms, and go so far as to almost get sick over it. 

I am beyond those occasional panic attacks now. 

I have frequent anxiety attacks, and I've changed. Completely. It took me a long time to realize it was all related. 

I know the biggest cause of it is stress. I don't exercise, and I don't eat well, but I've always been  that way. Stress, and the huge life change of taking in Madi and dealing with her mother are all new. And the anxiety attacks got worse around that time. 

I'm not overly secretive about it. Most people know of my fear, and Eric has seen for himself how often it seems to hit me lately but he seems to brush it off a little. I don't talk to anyone else enough to even mention it. 

The fact of it is - I'm constantly worried about getting sick. I almost constantly feel 'sick' or 'off' in some way; whether it be a headache, slight stomachache, extreme tiredness. I almost never feel fine. My appetite has taken a huge hit. Sometimes I eat fine, sometimes I can barely eat. 

I'm irritable. All the time. 

At first I blamed that on various problems and stress in my life, but it seems to be more than that. I get so annoyed or so angry at the drop of a hat. I can't get myself to relax. I have no patience. It's not all the time, but it takes almost nothing to trigger a bad mood. 

I have zero interest in most of my hobbies. 

I can't even enjoy lazing around on the couch without my mind going crazy. 

I've been told (by local strangers actually) that giving up caffeine and exercise would probably help. That might be the first thing I try. There's not much else I can do without looking into actual medical help. 

I can't get out of the house - Eric is literally the only 'friend' I have these days, and with Madi's mom the way she is, we need to find a babysitter if we want to leave the house without children. We can't afford a babysitter, and our families live an hour away. We're stuck. 

I'm stuck. 

My own mind is driving me crazy. 

The saddest part of this all, is that I've heard anxiety attacks are super common among women, especially moms. I just wish I didn't have to be one of many. 

A Weekend and a Phobia Realization

The weekend was kind of a busy one. I got to spend Saturday alone with Chloe. It was the first time in a very long time. In the morning, we bought some toys off someone - a Dora the Explorer backpack and accessories, and a vacuum. The kids are a huge fan of the new toys. 

In the evening, a friend came over and we had homemade lasagna with salad and garlic bread. It was good, but I still haven't perfected my lasagna. This time it was too dry. Again.

On Sunday, I spent most of the day with my girl again, but then went to work an evening shift at my old job. Front desk at a hotel. It was a busy night, but nice to work with people and speak to adults. Eric is one of the only adults I talk to most of the time. Some outside interaction was nice. 

We had a family day on Monday, and took the girls to visit Eric's family. Upon his mother's request, we got family pictures done. Each family individually, each couple, then everyone together. I can't wait to see them. Then we had a BBQ, which was amazing, and by then it was getting later so we went on our way. The kids missed naps so they slept the whole way home. 

Sunday night I finally finished 50 Shades of Grey (a review on that tomorrow!) and sat around being lazy with Eric. The usual. 

On a more serious note, I did some research and asked around about my intense throwing up phobia. I've always had this fear but its gotten way out of hand these past couple of months. Everything I've read and heart, points at stress being a big factor in why the symptoms have gotten crazy. I did the math, and it seems I got a little crazier around the time we moved Madi in. Just that realization alone has helped me calm down a little, to the point where all day yesterday I was able to eat without the phobia crossing my mind once. That's a start. I considering talking to my doctor about actually getting help, but I don't know if I want to go that far yet. At the same time, it might be the only step towards getting people to understand how much stress I'm actually under. 

In the meantime, I'm already expected to 'babysit' Madi for her mother in about two weeks time, giving up yet another weekend alone with Chloe. She expects us to babysit, because she kept Madi for us (and Chloe for one night too) when we moved. Under normal circumstances I would feel like we do owe her this weekend of keeping Madi. On the other hand, I kept Madi for three weekends for her because she refused to take her and, in her words, didn't care how it affected us. 

I had no idea how much it was really affecting us. 

Still, I will look like the bad guy when I say no. 

The Terror that is a Night Terror

I wake up shortly after midnight to Chloe, just starting to cry. 

It's night number two of going to bed without a bottle, and she went to bed crying because of it. She's not a fan of change. I wish I could keep her on the bottle for longer, because I hate seeing her unhappy, but I think it's time. 

I go in to check on her, hoping she drank some of the milk in her sippy cup, but she didn't really drink much. 

I reach for her. She's still crying, but as I reach for it's like she just lost it. Her back is arching, her limbs are flailing. She's pushing so hard with her feet that she's hitting her head against the rails on the crib. She tries to bite her arm, a new thing she's started doing when she's upset. 

I quickly pull her out of the crib, so she's not hurting herself. It's like wrestling with a bull. She's doing her best to fight me off, which makes it hard to get downstairs, but we make it. I unfold her couch so it's like a little bed and I set her down. She continues kicking and screaming, throwing her body around. At one point she grabs her foot and tries to bite it but I stop her. That makes the crying and screaming louder. It's like there's a demon inside her, trying to get out. 

This goes on for less than 10 minutes, but it feels like an eternity. I want to get some milk for her, in hopes that it will calm her down, but I don't want to leave her. I'm scared she bites herself again, and since she's not exactly conscious, she might break skin. 

That's right, she's not even really conscious. 

It's heartbreaking. 

Her screaming slows, and she's just regular crying. I pick her up again, and this time she's not really fighting. Almost like magic, she "falls asleep" in my arms. I say "falls asleep" because she was never really awake. She looks so little, so precious. I'm crying. I hate seeing her like this. 

A couple of minutes pass, and she starts whining. Her normal, everyday whining. I take her into the kitchen and set her on the counter. I can tell she's back to herself now, because she reached for the bin of pens that hangs on the fridge, and smiles. I fill a new sippy cup with milk for her and ask her to hold it for me. She does. 

She whines a little as I take her upstairs, but I tell her it's "night night" time. I lay her down, nudge her to her side, and she cradles her sippy cup half in her mouth. Her eyes are half closed as I cover her up. 

All is well again. This is the second time that it's happened in a month or two. I think it's the 4th or 5th time it's ever happened to Chloe. Night terrors. So scary. So real. 

The Thing I am the Most Afraid Of

Tuesday, May 7 - The thing you're most afraid of

I don't know where, how, or when it started, I just know I've been like this for a really, really long time. I'm terrified of getting sick. Not stuffy nose, fever, coughing sick. I'm terrified of losing my lunch kind of sick. 

I can specifically remember most times that I've been that kind of sick since I was six years old. Once when I was 6, once when I was 11, once when I was 17, three times in between because of liquor, once when I was 21, and once when I was 24. How insane is it that I remember that? 

For awhile, I was able to get so worked up just at the thought of it, that I would almost make myself get sick. I would have myself convinced that I had the flu. It's crazy that the body can work that way, but I've learned that it does. 

For the longest time, I was doing so much better. It was practically years where I had almost no panic attacks over it. That was a good time in my life. 

Lately I've been living a little more on the crazy edge though. 

Chloe had the flu the night before Valentine's Day, and I managed not to freak out too much over that one. Until boyfriend had the flu a couple of days later. I went into pure, insane panic mode for days. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as him that night, or the night after. I was up all night myself, not feeling good, thinking I was going to catch what they had. I washed every single article of fabric that came in contact with anyone. I washed all door handles and everything a hand could touch. I used hand sanitizer every time I so much as stood up. 

That was my worst panic episode yet. 

But I didn't get sick. A couple of weeks after that, one of the kids woke up crying and the second I woke up I went into a panic. I was up for most of that night. I missed work the next day, because after I stopped feeling like I was going to be sick, I was exhausted and slept most of the day. 

I've had many, smaller panic attacks since then. Every little feeling in my stomach, I question. Even if it's just an uncomfortable 'full' feeling. I'm trying to work through it, and make my brain just shut off and stop thinking. I'm trying. 

I'm also starting to believe counselling wouldn't be a horrible option for me, because this does sometimes interfere with my life. It definitely interferes with my happiness. 

And you know what? Actually throwing up isn't that scary. But before it happens, the anticipation? Nearly kills me. 

And that, boys and girls, is what I'm the most scared of. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. Boyfriend and I thought about some life changing decisions. When I know what's going on, I will gladly share, but until then I'll just let this be my little stress of the week.

2. Boyfriend and I celebrated our second Valentine's Day together. By celebrated, I mean we got some take-out (garlic fingers and donairs), I took a bath, I finished watching 90210 and he actually watched with me then we literally passed out around 10pm. How's that for a wild and romantic Valentine's Day? Oh, but while he was home that day he made me a card. 

3. I made Valentine's for Chloe's daycare class but...

4. Chloe was up sick a couple of times through the night before Valentine's Day. It was boyfriend's day off work so she stayed home with him. She was whiny, but basically fine for the rest of the day. She was back to herself by Friday, but she didn't get to give out her Valentine's. Sad. 

5. I finished season two of Raising Hope. Best show EVER! (So far!)

6. Boyfriend had the flu, probably got it from Chloe, so I "slept" on the couch. I say "slept" because I was awake almost all night. I'm terrified of throwing up, to the point where I freak out if someone near me is sick and I could catch it. So far so good, but as I write this it's only been 12 hours since boyfriend was sick. I could still be next. 

7. I took Chloe's 'baby' to work. 

8. I bought a couple of vegetables that I've never had before so Chloe can try them: spaghetti squash and zucchini. Now I just need to figure out how to make them edible. 

9. I started working on a joint budget for boyfriend and I, in hopes that if we're more organized we'll be a little better at paying both of our debts off faster. 

10.  I'm having a hard time thinking of a #10. Oh.. Chloe started drinking homogenized milk. I hope to have her completely off formula by the time we make it to the end of this can. 

A work day

Baby girl Saturday morning before she got her pants on.
If she wasn't so tall this would be a cute dress. 

Happy girl, midway through the week

Our first trip to the ER with baby girl

It's kind of funny that my last post was my birth story, because yesterday I went to visit the first newborn baby I've seen since my own daughter. It was my sister's friend's baby girl, named Hannah. She is a little over 8lbs but feels so much lighter. And I know light babies, since mine was only 5lbs 12oz. She has a bunch of hair and if I didn't have my own baby, I would've had bad baby fever after holding her. 

There's just something so amazing about a cuddly little newborn baby. Especially when my own baby is anything but cuddly any more. She's mommy's big girl and she'd rather be independent than cuddle with her mother. 

I had my first real parenting scare last night. 

We had baby girl up late after visiting baby Hannah, so she only got to bed around 10:45pm. She went to bed and fell asleep without a problem. We spend the night at Mom's place. I went to bed not too long after her, but she woke me up crying shortly after midnight. I scrambled to find the light, not used to sharing a room with Chloe, and especially not a pitch-dark room. It took me a few seconds to even remember where I was before I could grab my phone for light and grab her out of bed. 

She kept crying, even though she rarely full-out cries at all. I took her out of the room and Mom came over, thinking she somehow woke her up. But baby girl just kept crying and crying, and it wasn't her usual cry. After about 20 minutes of non-stop crying, we decided to take her to the ER, just in case. It was only a couple of minutes away. 

She continued crying the whole way to the hospital, then cried for the first 15 minutes we were there before she would start taking little breaks between crying. They got us in pretty quick, weighed her, checked her over. The only thing they could find was that her ears were a little red. By this time she had mostly given up on crying, so they gave her drops, Advil and we went home. 

She went back to bed without a fight, as she was exhausted and it was almost 2am. She was fine this morning, just a little cranky, and is now just finishing up an almost 3 hour nap. Little girl was tired. 

I'm glad it was nothing serious, but I don't look forward to my next baby scare at all.

Are you able to stay calm during situations like this? Or are you someone like me who gets a little shaky and wants to cry?