I once read an article in Redbook about a regular, everyday woman who was doing some everyday chore when she was hit with a panic attack all of a sudden. That sounded so scary to me. Little did I know that at the time, I was just beginning to fall into my own deep anxiety issues. But I still can't believe that anxiety seems to start with just the snap of a finger.
Once upon a time, I used to have panic attacks over the thought of throwing up, and usually if I could distract myself, the panic would pass after 15-30 minutes. This winter, I thought I was actually medically ill, because I started feeling sick quite often, but not much ever came of it. I only later realized it's because I was having frequent panic attacks, and that's what was making me feel sick. The difference was, these panic attacks were lasting hours. Some of the after-effects were lasting almost a full day.
I've written many
posts on my anxiety before. I'm starting to feel it's never-ending. I'll be dealing with this for life. I just read this post online on
Redbook about anxiety and it just shows how quick it comes on, but it also gives me hope that I might be able to be semi-normal again.
The flu was passing through so many of my co-workers last week. I became a germophobe, and couldn't get enough of my hand sanitizer. I took Gravol a couple of times to help me fall asleep without panicking. But on nights I didn't take it, there are two times this week that I've woken up in a panic. I can more easily fight off a panic attack when I'm aware of when it's starting. If I wake up in a panic, I'm lost. The first day, I tried so hard to fight it. It was around 6am on a workday when it started. Closer to 8am, I gave up and took another Gravol and watched tv in bed. Eric took care of the girls and I knew I'd be late for work. The Gravol worked its magic, and I started falling asleep, and I napped until I had to drop Eric off at work. When the same thing started to happen the next morning at 3am, I took a Gravol immediately and went back to sleep. The third night, I took a Gravol before bed so I wouldn't wake up in a panic at all. It worked. That was last night.
I worry that I'll get addicted. That I'll be dependent on it.
I worry that I'm never going to be normal. That I'm always going to feel worried or nervous when my stomach feels something just as simple as fullness. That panic will always be in the back of my mind. That I'll never have more than one or two good days in a row. I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of my life, of Chloe's life, because I don't feel good over a panic attack. I also think it may someday ruin my relationship, as I think a lot of
my mean-ness is related to anxiety as well.
I go to my third counselling appointment next week. Because of our income, my fees for counselling have been cut in half, so it's less to worry about, but it's still an expense that's hard to squeeze in. But I'll do anything at this point.
I just want to be better.
I believe I'm just a few steps away from seeing a doctor and asking if there's anything they can do. Maybe medication is the next step. I don't know. I just want to feel really happy again.
I just want to be better.
