Working on Getting Better

What would make me happy? 

That's something I can't even answer for myself anymore. 

It started as a simple question. I sold $25 in baby clothes last weekend, and I said if I made $30 I would buy the girls each a new fall coat from Wal-Mart. They have cute ones for $15 each. I usually just buy used. But then I realized, all I do is spend money on the girls. They both already have decent second-hand coats. I should spend the money on me. But what would make me happy? What could I spend money on for me? 

I wouldn't think of much of anything. 

Once upon a time I would spend it on craft supplies, but I don't really do that anymore. I could spend it on clothes, but I have a ton of clothes anyway. Same goes for shoes. Make-up and toiletries I could just work into our budget. Something for the house? I couldn't think of anything. DVDs or tv shows? I couldn't think of anything. 

What happened to the girl who used to love shopping for anything? Am I even losing that part of my personality? I feel like bit-by-bit whatever is going on in my head is wiping out all parts of me. I'm not the same person anymore. I starting to barely feel like a person at all. 

Money can't buy happiness, but what happened to the thrill of buying something new? I want that back. 

In the larger sense, a friend asked me just a few days ago what would make me happy. What would need to  change for me to be happier? To be less stressed? 

Some of those are a little more clear, but some are near impossible. 

- I want to feel nauseous less often. 

- I want Madi to be able to spend the night with her mother more often (more often than never), so when Chloe's gone we can sleep past 6:30am.

- I want a nicer place to live, with a nicer backyard.

- I want to walk into our bedrooms and have a good feeling. 

- I want someone to talk to who doesn't always need to talk about their same one problem over and over. 

- I want to be able to drink caffeine when I want without consequences. 

- I want to have and enjoy hobbies again. 

- I want to enjoy time with my daughter more often than a day or two every other weekend. 

- I want a day every now and then that doesn't revolve around sippy cups and crackers. 

- I want to get out of the house with people who aren't my immediate family. 

- I want to enjoy eating again. 

- I want to feel hopeful about my future. 

- I want to be able to leave for a weekend I want, without worrying about Eric finding a way to get Madi back and forth to her Mom's 4 times since she can't spend the night. 

- I want a stable job when this one is over in October. 

- I want to feel less guilt over my children. 

- I want to enjoy blogging like I used to. 

It's time to start getting better.