5 for Five

Five Things to Do LAST Week

1. Put the summer clothing bin away, and take the winter one out.

Yes, I actually did this!

2. Keep up with my $5 budgeting app. Especially come payday. 

I'm trying. My accounts are up to date. Need to update Eric's. 

3. Bring a real meal to work for lunch twice, not counting today. 

I don't think I did

4. Say 'thank you' more. 

Nope. 

5. Organize at least 20% of the basement. 

We may have done that much. 

Five Things to Do THIS Week

1. Try to sell as much of our unwanted stuff as possible. 

2. Don't miss anytime at work between Tuesday-Thursday.

3. Menu plan for at least 3 days this week and bring leftovers to work at least once.

4. Do not buy ANY kids clothes, used or new. 

5. Get the kids to help pick up their toys at least once a day. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. We celebrated Chloe's second birthday!! 

2. I got addicted to cupcakes. 

3. I started to find my work days really dragging on lately. 

4. I got addicted to Scary Mommy Confessions. 

5. I got tired of budgeting and planning etc. I just don't want to do it all anymore. The app I downloaded doesn't help, because it isn't organized enough for me. 

6. We made an appointment to look at a townhouse. The cost is about the same as the place we're in now - rent is more, but heat is included. The downsides to this place is there's no basement or yard, but it's a lot nicer and it's closer to both of our jobs, which will help with the no-car situation. 

7. Eric got a surprise day off work (that neither of us wanted him to have) so we had lunch downtown on Friday. 

8. We managed to pay off a decent chunk of Eric's credit card. 

9. I can't think of anything else. 

10. ....

5 FUN Things I Would Buy if I Won a Lot of Money

Never mind my student loans, my car loan, our credit cards, and our children's future educations. These are the fun things I would want to look into buying right away if I ever won a lot of money. 

1. Cupcakes. 

I was never a huge cupcake person. I even got a local (popular) baker to make Chloe's birthday cupcakes, but I didn't like them much. But then I won a $10 credit towards a new little bakery that opened that specializes in cupcakes. We bought some. I tried some. I went back the next day and bought more. Nanaimo, Rolo, Peanut Butter Cup, S'mores, Pumpkin Spice Latte, Red Velvet. Those are just some of the flavors we got. Our of the 10 cupcakes, I ate 6 and a half of them. In less than three days. They only lasted  three days because I ate the last one for breakfast yesterday. And I've been thinking about them constantly since. All I think about are cupcakes. There must be some kind of drug in these cupcakes. I'm addicted. I get the cupcake hype. I totally get it now. 

2. Updated Wardrobe. 

Ever since I had Chloe, I only want clothes for her. I've started to really notice lately how much I hate everything, and don't enjoy getting dressed much anymore. Also, I hate to admit it, but I'm finally starting to like the look of skinny jeans, and I want a pair. Maybe even in a random color. I know, weird for me. 

3. Furniture Upgrade. 

Well, honestly if I won a ton of money, I'd be buying or building a house first. But ignoring that, I'd love to makeover some parts of my apartment as it is. We upgraded our bedroom furniture this winter, but this time I'd love to makeover Madi's room. She just has a white toddler bed and Eric's old wooden dresser. I'd love to get her a single bed, with a matching furniture set. Maybe even go as far as to get bunk beds, to prepare for later when the girls are old enough to sleep on a top bunk and share a room. I'd love to get a new livingroom set and dining room table as well, but that's another story. 

4. Boxed Sets. 

Tv shows on DVD. I'm obsessed. I have collections I need to complete (Gossip Girl, Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill, etc) and new shows I wouldn't mind owning and watching. 

5. A Vacation.

I guess like most people I wouldn't mind taking a real vacation to somewhere nice if I won a lot of money. I've never been outside of Canada. I'd love to go somewhere warm, but I'd also love to visit the U.S., Italy, or anywhere really. 

Christmas is coming too. So I would also accept any of the above as gifts :p Or pots. We really need new pots and pans chez nous. Really. 

What's the first thing you'd want to do if you had a ton of money to blow? Bills and being reasonable with it doesn't count. 

Chloe's Second Birthday Party

Birthday girl!

I almost skipped blogging today, because I wasn't feeling it, but it's too important of a day to skip. 

Today my special princess turns 2. I can't believe it. 

Two years since I went into labor while watching The Lion King 3D in theatres with my friend Sarah. Two years since my c-section. Two years since life changed completely. 

Let's talk about her birthday party first. 

Some friends came up early, and helped me get ready when Chloe went down for her nap. She woke up from her nap when almost everyone was already there. She was so excited to see all the Dora the Explorer stuff everywhere. Girl is obsessed. 

We socialized, we snacked, and then we opened presents. 

Some of her presents included: some adorable clothes of course, two small Dora the Explorer dolls, a play tent, a Dora coloring book, a Cabbage Patch doll (from me, my favorite), some doll furniture and doll accessories, a LeapFrog Violet, and so much more. Spoiled little girl. 

We took some pictures, played with the toys, and ripped open the pinata. All in all, a pretty great day. 

Now today is the day of her actual birth. The poor girl is stuck in daycare while I'm at work. I'm hoping to leave early to have more time at home tonight with the girls. 

And some even more special news, this morning just after 3am, one of my closest friends gave birth to her baby boy three weeks early, so he shares his birthday with Chloe. Congrats to their entire family! And Happy Birthday to my little miss Chloe! 

Madi and Scott on a stick giving kisses

Dora pinata that my wonderful bosses got for Chloe, candy included! 

Chloe with one of my best friends, Ashley

Kisses for cousin Braden

Mom, me, nephew Braden, Grandfather, and Birthday Girl

Typical bad family photo

Lots of toys and clothes! 

The Best Part of My Days

I haven't had it in me to blog the past few days. It's hard to write when you're not feeling happy if you don't want to write about what's making you feel that way. 

Soon I'll post about Chloe's birthday. 

The party was really great, and I really loved seeing all the friends and family. She's been teething though, so there were some meltdowns and she didn't sleep well that night. She slept okay last night, and I'm hoping tonight goes well enough too. I can handle waking up 1-2 times. When it gets to 3-5 times, I stop being able to function properly. It really makes me appreciate her (normally) awesome sleep habits that much more though. 

My life has been a whirlwind of worry. 

I go to work and spend a lot of my time job searching, apartment searching, babysitter searching, looking over our budget, tweaking our budget, applying to some jobs, and eventually doing some actual work. 

Then I get to pick the kids up, rush through dinner - which Madi typically won't eat anyway, then make our way through a bath most night, and trying to referee their playtime the rest of the time. On the really bad nights, we call it a Dora night and just let the tv do it's thing. 

Finally, bedtime rolls around. I've started making it a bit earlier, since we have to wake the kids up each morning to get ready for work and daycare, so obviously they could use some extra sleep time if they're not already awake. I always look forward to tucking my step-daughter into bed, then sitting in the rocking chair in the dark in Chloe's room. Chloe sits with me, of course, and we either read a book or sing. Usually we sing. 

The Wheels on the Bus

ABCs

The Little Green Frog

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Those are our favorites. Chloe knows a lot of the words. 

It is by far the most amazing part of my day. We don't always get much alone time, and especially not much cuddle time, so it feels so nice to have that time with her. 

Everything else just feels like a mess. 

5 for Five: Goals for the Week

Five Things to Do LAST Week

1. Recreate Chicken Crepes recipe from work, and blog about it later. 

Nope!

2. Finish my DIY birthday decor project before Chloe's party. 

I did! Pictures and details soon!

3. Make a full breakfast meal one day for the family - bacon and eggs included. 

Nope

4. Eat at least three salads! 

- I ate one, plus quite a few bites of Chloe's at a restaurant Monday night. Progress! 

5. Read at least 10 pages in the book I'm reading: Finding Emma. 

And nope! 

Five Things to Do THIS Week

1. Put the summer clothing bin away, and take the winter one out.

2. Keep up with my $5 budgeting app. Especially come payday. 

3. Bring a real meal to work for lunch twice, not counting today. 

4. Say 'thank you' more. 

5. Organize at least 20% of the basement. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. I looked into going back to school to take a refresher course on the Legal Office Specialist course I graduated from in 2007. It's free, they told me, except for the books. But I don't know if I could ever manage it anyway, with the kids and being low income and all. I need to be able to work. 

2. Kind of going with number one, I applied for a legal office assistant job in town. Don't really think I'll get it, and it's only for one year anyway - covering someone's maternity leave. Kind of like I am at my current job. 

3. I apartment searched like crazy, between two different cities. Ditto with job hunting. 

4. I watched the Sex and the City movie with Eric. Thursday night he grabbed it from the DVD shelf without either of us bringing it up. He was a little embarrassed. 

5. I called to cancel our cable. It saves us $40 a month. It will be disconnected Tuesday. 

6. I wished my fiance would shave his scary looking face. 

7. I super surprised and excited by a gift my bosses got for Chloe's birthday party coming up on Sunday. 

8. I thanked the heavens for Dora. She saves my sanity. A lot. 

9. I took the kids in the wagon to the park. It is so much more work than it sounds. 

10. I didn't sleep the greatest. I hope this weekend and next week are better. 

Beautiful Moments

I can picture beautiful moments.

[ via ]

Sipping a cup of coffee on a quiet fall morning.

Giggles at a playground.

Pretty fall boots.

The excitement on my children's faces when I pick them up at daycare.

Watching a really great movie.

Fresh, warm laundry on a cold day.

Baking some fresh, homemade treats. 

Curling up with a great book. 

Hiding under the blankets. 

Cuddling with the right person. 

Singing songs in the rocking chair. 

Some of them are a reality. Some I could easily recreate, but they don't feel the same. I'd love to get up a little early and relax with my coffee, but often I don't wake up feeling great. I'd love to read a great book, but I just can't relax enough to do it when I'm home. Going to the playground is more stressful than just staying home. 

I can't escape my own mind. I've been better, but I still can't escape. I want to fully enjoy all of those things, and more, without my mind wandering and worrying about my anxiety. I want to live a normal, happy life again. 

I don't know why anxiety had to take over my life, but I wish there was an easier way to kick it out. 

5 for Five: Goals for the Week

I'm double posting today {gasp!} because I just couldn't pass this up.

Five Things to Do This Week

1. Recreate Chicken Crepes recipe from work, and blog about it later. 

2. Finish my DIY birthday decor project before Chloe's party. 

3. Make a full breakfast meal one day for the family - bacon and eggs included. 

4. Eat at least three salads! 

5. Read at least 10 pages in the book I'm reading: Finding Emma. 

*Note to self: Upon finding that link, there seems to be a sequel. Find that for the Kobo! 

And those are my five goals for the week. Wish me luck! 

Chloe's Birthday is Coming

Chloe's second birthday party is coming up and I couldn't be more excited. This year we've gone with a Dora the Explorer theme, because let's face it, she's obsessed! 

The supplies were easy enough to buy - they had Dora themed stuff at one (only one!) store in town. I didn't go crazy with Dora stuff, but I got the tablecloth and decorations, then got the plates etc in Dora colors instead of the official Dora plates. 

I'm not big on themed food, so I'm still thinking of snacks. We'll probably just do simple hot dogs on the BBQ as the main dish. Keepin' it classy. 

I started a DIY project last night with Eric - a big number two to hang up. I found the tutorial on Pinterest and just made a two instead. I'll post official details and pictures after the party. I'm hoping it'll hold up and not fall apart through the park. We've only done the stem part of the 2 so far. 

The presents have all been purchased, and she is one spoiled little girl. I was lucky, and had some extra money to spend since my friend Scott shipped over some money for me to pick a present on his behalf. My friends are so good to my little girl. All of them. 

Normally I'd just post about the party after the fact, but I'm too excited to wait. 

Does anyone have any fun ideas for a snack to put out? I'd like to do something a little different than usual. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. Well I can tell you one thing I didn't do, and that's blog. Very much. 

2. I finished watching the Sex and the City series with Eric. Yeah, he watched some of it too. Time to watch the movies, though I know they're not as good. I've seen 'em before. 

3. I made a Pokemon joke. I think it we weren't engaged, Eric would've asked me on the spot. 

4. We made the whole Scooby Doo clan with beads. 

5. We thought about maybe moving to another city, if we could come to a custody agreement with Madi's mother that she would actually follow. She actually wants her back now. She must've heard we've been happy and doing well lately. 

6. So far I've been doing good with my Photo a Day Challenge on Instagram. If you don't count the fact that I had it tagged as #fmsphototaday. Yeah, an extra 't'. It took me 10+ days before I realized it. 

7. I've gotten re-addicted to caffeine, kind of. Oops. Except I've also been feeling better lately. I try to never have more than half a cup or else I get shaky. 

8. I've been trying out a new budgeting app. Hoping me and Eric get used to it. It would be easier than constantly checking our bank accounts. 

9. I applied for a really great job, but I don't really think I'll get it. Fingers crossed! 

10. I went to my third counselling appointment.

What did you do all week?

Changes

I haven't died.

There's just too much going through my head to be able to write anything down.

My current job ends one month from yesterday. I just gave notice to the daycare that the girls won't be there any longer.

We've discussed moving closer to family. As much hassle as it might be, I think that might be better for us. As long as I can find a job. The rent is cheaper there, and it's a smaller town so it might be easier on us having just one car. Plus, have I mentioned that family would be closer to help out?

Things are so crazy right now.

10 Things I Did This Week

1. We started an Instagram page and working more on our Facebook page for our bead creations. We do ship orders if anyone is interested :)

2. Eric's schedule changed and now he still starts work at 10am, but is stuck there until 7pm. I thought it would be nice to have the extra money and not have to rush to feed the girls before we pick him up, but in reality it sucks a lot. I'd rather have him home with us longer before the girls go to bed.

3. I signed the girls up for a music class that happens every Saturday morning. Lucky me, the lady was having a contest and I won - one month free for one of the girls.

4. All of a sudden summer ended. We went from wearing shirts and sandals to immediately wearing pants and coats. It's crazy how fast the weather changes around here.

5. I worked a front desk shift at the hotel with one of the workers who's kind of like the assistant front desk manager. She put in a good word with the manager about keeping me here part-time. I was hoping to stay anyway, but they hired someone else. We'll see what happens.

6. I started participating in a Photo a Day Challenge on my own personal Instagram.

7. I started Chloe's birthday present shopping on Sunday with Eric. I bought her the cutest sweater at Osh Kosh. I almost never buy clothing brand new, so I usually save it for special occasions.

8. Eric and I also did some marathon cleaning on Sunday. We got a nice chunk of our basement cleaned up, I managed to sell a nice chunk of my baby clothes, and we even got some mopping done. It was a nice bonding experience :p

9. On Eric's request, I started playing a Pokemon game on his DS. I don't hate it. I'm embarrassed to admit that.

10. It was a long week of being tired quite often. I'm glad it's the weekend.

I Want to Be Better

I once read an article in Redbook about a regular, everyday woman who was doing some everyday chore when she was hit with a panic attack all of a sudden. That sounded so scary to me. Little did I know that at the time, I was just beginning to fall into my own deep anxiety issues. But I still can't believe that anxiety seems to start with just the snap of a finger. 

Once upon a time, I used to have panic attacks over the thought of throwing up, and usually if I could distract myself, the panic would pass after 15-30 minutes. This winter, I thought I was actually medically ill, because I started feeling sick quite often, but not much ever came of it. I only later realized it's because I was having frequent panic attacks, and that's what was making me feel sick. The difference was, these panic attacks were lasting hours. Some of the after-effects were lasting almost a full day. 

I've written many posts on my anxiety before. I'm starting to feel it's never-ending. I'll be dealing with this for life. I just read this post online on Redbook about anxiety and it just shows how quick it comes on, but it also gives me hope that I might be able to be semi-normal again. 

The flu was passing through so many of my co-workers last week. I became a germophobe, and couldn't get enough of my hand sanitizer. I took Gravol a couple of times to help me fall asleep without panicking. But on nights I didn't take it, there are two times this week that I've woken up in a panic. I can more easily fight off a panic attack when I'm aware of when it's starting. If I wake up in a panic, I'm lost. The first day, I tried so hard to fight it. It was around 6am on a workday when it started. Closer to 8am, I gave up and took another Gravol and watched tv in bed. Eric took care of the girls and I knew I'd be late for work. The Gravol worked its magic, and I started falling asleep, and I napped until I had to drop Eric off at work. When the same thing started to happen the next morning at 3am, I took a Gravol immediately and went back to sleep. The third night, I took a Gravol before bed so I wouldn't wake up in a panic at all. It worked. That was last night. 

I worry that I'll get addicted. That I'll be dependent on it. 

I worry that I'm never going to be normal. That I'm always going to feel worried or nervous when my stomach feels something just as simple as fullness. That panic will always be in the back of my mind. That I'll never have more than one or two good days in a row. I'm worried that I'm going to miss so much of my life, of Chloe's life, because I don't feel good over a panic attack. I also think it may someday ruin my relationship, as I think a lot of my mean-ness is related to anxiety as well. 

I go to my third counselling appointment next week. Because of our income, my fees for counselling have been  cut in half, so it's less to worry about, but it's still an expense that's hard to squeeze in. But I'll do anything at this point. 

I just want to be better. 

I believe I'm just a few steps away from seeing a doctor and asking if there's anything they can do. Maybe medication is the next step. I don't know. I just want to feel really happy again. 

I just want to be better. 

Toy Shopping for a 2 Year Old is Hard to Do

I cannot believe it's that time again. It's almost Chloe's birthday. It seems like just yesterday that it was her first birthday party. I think I'm more excited for this year's party since she'll be walking and eating and aware of the people and presents. And I think she'll be excited because the theme is Dora the Explorer and my little girl is obsessed with her. 

The toughest part of this birthday stuff, is figuring out what to get her. I got two presents picked out and purchased, but a friend sent me money to buy a gift on his behalf so I'm still browsing around for something perfect. 

With her love of dolls, I wanted to get a really nice doll, but the selection in town isn't great. 

I thought of getting her art supplies and Play D'oh. 

I thought of getting her something to do with Dora. 

I thought of getting her food and dishes for her kitchen. 

So many options, and when I'm at the toy stores, nothing stands out. 

The dolls are all either too boring, or too advanced for her age. We have enough play food for now. We can get art supplies for both girls for Christmas, and they'll be a little older then so they might not eat it all. 

I'm at a loss for great ideas. It's hard to buy for the kid that already has so much. 

What toys do your 2 year olds love?

The Mean Person I've Become

I don't know exactly when it was that things changed. I have no idea why. 

One day, I was a regular, normal person. I'd like to think I was nice enough. 

It seemed like it was all of a sudden that the changes happened. I was so irritable. It took almost nothing to set me off. I had so little patience with my children and boyfriend. To this day, I'm still left reeling, wondering what happened to the old, nicer me. 

I read a Letter of Apology to a husband from a wife that really hit home with me. These words the author spoke, I could've written them to my own boyfriend:

"I’m sorry that I act like it’s your job to read my mind. I’m sorry I make you feel like you can’t win for losing. I’m sorry I criticize the lunches you wake up early to pack for the kids as being “too snacky” and the outfits you dress them in as inappropriate for the weather."

Most of the time, the crazy gets out before I can stop it. Sadly, other times I know I'm being irrational but I just can't stop myself. 

My boyfriend is easily distracted. I think he's partially deaf. It takes him 3 times as long as me to complete the same simple task. Those things drive me crazy, and seem to affect so much of our daily life. 

But those things shouldn't matter. There's a bigger picture here. 

He bathes the girls by himself every bath night. He dresses, changes, and cooks for them, often without being asked. He hands over his paychecks without question, keeping very little for himself. He sits through episodes of Sex and the City and follows the plot. He lets me sleep in anytime I want. He gets the girls ready and takes them to daycare by himself when I don't feel great. He always does the dishes. He will happily join me in a cleaning marathon every now and then. He usually goes along with anything I want to do. He rarely complains when I turn down suggestions of things he wants to do. 

To sum up, he's pretty much amazing when it comes to everything. But the little things bug me. I need to get better at this. I don't want to be this mean person I've become. 

Silent Sunday: This Weekend

Made these for the girls bedroom doors. Like our Facebook page to see more, or on Instagram. 

Another random project

Chloe zoned out watching Dora the Explorer holding her name sign

Mommy and Chloe first thing in the morning

"When I die, I don't need a big expensive casket. This'll do."