Me, lately

I still exist! 

Monday and Tuesday somehow flew by. I guess you could say most of Wednesday did too. 

What has happened lately? 

Saturday we had an indoor yard sale, Chloe, Eric and I. We made a nice chunk of money and had fun. Eric was super happy that we sold some of his bead sprites. Afterwards we went to a big indoor garage sale in town and spent some of our hard-earned money. Eric got a video game and I got a hat for Chloe and a shelf for Madi's room. Later, I spent my money on a cube shelf for Chloe's room, and we got new fall jackets for both of the girls. 

On Sunday, Madi stayed with me and we went to my Mom's for the day. Chloe too, of course. It was a little too cold for the pool, but they still had a lot of fun playing outside with the dogs. They took an amazing nap and I was able to clean my entire car. I vacuumed up all the sand. It was so nice. Within a day of being back to daycare, the car is full of sand again. The joys of toddlers. 

Me? I've been feeling better. I've been trying not to dwell on negative thoughts. 

Eric finally put his foot down with Madi's mother and we're no longer driving back and forth to her place 4 times a weekend to drop off and pick up Madi on Saturdays and Sundays because she won't allow Madi to spend the night. It's a little too much. Especially since Madi fell asleep there Saturday before we got there to pick her up, and waking her up caused a freak out like I'd never seen before. So that's why Madi stayed with me Sunday. It's more work to keep her, but less stressful. Somewhere along the way, she decided she wanted Madi back with her full-time, so we're entering back into that battle. Saturday night Madi can't sleep at her mom's, Monday morning her mom wants her to live with her. Make sense? Not really. 

But I'm not stressing about it. Like I said, I've been feeling better. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. When Chloe got home  from her father's Sunday, I read a book outside while she played in her inflatable pool and balls. 

2. I put more thought into starting a wedding blog for my area, to make it easier for other people to plan their weddings. It's so hard to get information online when a province is this small. 

3. I started drinking a tiny bit of coffee again, because I've been falling asleep at my desk in the afternoons. 

4. I watched the movie Undercover Angel. Cheesy, but an old favorite of mine. 

5. I went for my counselling appointment. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think I could benefit from going regularly, but we could never afford it. 

6. Me and Eric finished a puzzle together. We're boring. 

7. Tried a new little cafe in town. It was okay. 

8. I also tried a new pizza place in  town, and got garlic fingers. They were very good. 

9. I had doubts about where I want to have my wedding. I need to hurry up and figure things out before I need to put out deposits. 

And today, I feel better

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Today I'm in a good mood. A real good mood. These have been rare lately. 

I read a post about Happy on Story of my Life, and Jenni talks about a documentary her and her husband watched about happiness. One of the things they talked about is how even the smallest change in your routine can attribute to your happiness. Then I got started thinking about my routine. Stressful morning, long boring day at work in a basement office with no windows, stressful evening, then relax for 1-2 hours before bed. 

It's not a great routine when you put it that way. 

So I decided to start trying new things. I decided I'd start leaving the building more during my lunch break to get a bit of a break from the dark office. I stopped, spur of the moment, at a little cafe across from my work yesterday. Don't even ask me what type of cafe it was, I just know it was foreign. Being the picky eater I am, I opted for a grilled cheese sandwich. It wasn't great, but it was good. It was different. 

Today I went for another walk and stopped at a used bookstore. Then, unplanned, I stopped for just some egg rolls at a Chinese food restaurant. It was nice to read a book while I ate and watch tourists walking down the streets. 

With that little break from the monotony, I feel better. 

Although I'll still probably fall asleep as my desk later this afternoon. It's becoming a regular occurrence. I feel like I always need a nap these days. 

Working on Getting Better

What would make me happy? 

That's something I can't even answer for myself anymore. 

It started as a simple question. I sold $25 in baby clothes last weekend, and I said if I made $30 I would buy the girls each a new fall coat from Wal-Mart. They have cute ones for $15 each. I usually just buy used. But then I realized, all I do is spend money on the girls. They both already have decent second-hand coats. I should spend the money on me. But what would make me happy? What could I spend money on for me? 

I wouldn't think of much of anything. 

Once upon a time I would spend it on craft supplies, but I don't really do that anymore. I could spend it on clothes, but I have a ton of clothes anyway. Same goes for shoes. Make-up and toiletries I could just work into our budget. Something for the house? I couldn't think of anything. DVDs or tv shows? I couldn't think of anything. 

What happened to the girl who used to love shopping for anything? Am I even losing that part of my personality? I feel like bit-by-bit whatever is going on in my head is wiping out all parts of me. I'm not the same person anymore. I starting to barely feel like a person at all. 

Money can't buy happiness, but what happened to the thrill of buying something new? I want that back. 

In the larger sense, a friend asked me just a few days ago what would make me happy. What would need to  change for me to be happier? To be less stressed? 

Some of those are a little more clear, but some are near impossible. 

- I want to feel nauseous less often. 

- I want Madi to be able to spend the night with her mother more often (more often than never), so when Chloe's gone we can sleep past 6:30am.

- I want a nicer place to live, with a nicer backyard.

- I want to walk into our bedrooms and have a good feeling. 

- I want someone to talk to who doesn't always need to talk about their same one problem over and over. 

- I want to be able to drink caffeine when I want without consequences. 

- I want to have and enjoy hobbies again. 

- I want to enjoy time with my daughter more often than a day or two every other weekend. 

- I want a day every now and then that doesn't revolve around sippy cups and crackers. 

- I want to get out of the house with people who aren't my immediate family. 

- I want to enjoy eating again. 

- I want to feel hopeful about my future. 

- I want to be able to leave for a weekend I want, without worrying about Eric finding a way to get Madi back and forth to her Mom's 4 times since she can't spend the night. 

- I want a stable job when this one is over in October. 

- I want to feel less guilt over my children. 

- I want to enjoy blogging like I used to. 

It's time to start getting better. 

My Best Friend Chloe

It's really hard to blog when you're not very happy. Things just don't seem worth talking about, but I don't want to let things just pass by. I don't want to miss writing about all the amazing things Chloe does. Maybe this is normal for a parent, but I could just sit back and watch her all day. Just playing and talking and being a toddler. 

She says so many things now. She can name almost all of the Dora Characters. Like Tico. She thinks Swiper's name is Rhino, because Mom has a dog named Rhino and now all things that look like dogs are called Rhino. It's sweet. When I tell her 'Swiper no swiping!' She'll say 'Ohh man!' It kills me every time. 

She loves to read, especially the set of Dora the Explorer board books that I found from someone online for $5. Definitely a steal. 

She can count to three. Except she says 'one, two, one'. It's a work in progress. 

We got a cat. It was Eric's old cat that his roommate couldn't keep anymore. Chloe loves to chase the 'kitty' and just can't stop saying 'kitty' over and over. 

She loves 'babies' and wearing all kinds of hats and shoes, especially boots. She loves playing in water. Playing with balls. She loves Bubble Guppies and Dora the Explorer like you wouldn't believe.

[ Pretending to sleep ]

She's my best little friend and always gives me a ton of hugs and kisses and cuddles. She's Mommy's girl and will follow me around anywhere and always wants to be nearby. Her adorable face makes my day. There just never seems to be enough time together anymore. 

Waiting..

I don't want to talk about stuff anymore. 

The weekend was okay. Chloe was gone, so I cleaned and had some 'me' time. I said 'fuck anxiety' and I had coffee. The day was great. But the coffee killed my appetite, and then I spent the entire evening feeling sick from hunger, but the thought of any food made me feel worse. I managed to get down some milk. I fell asleep, still felt bad when I woke up around 1am, but felt fine in the morning. Well, not fine. I was super sad and depressed feeling after being woken up at 6:20am by Madi on my day to sleep in. But I didn't feel sick. I spend more days feeling sick than not lately. I don't know how to help myself anymore. I'm miserable. 

I go for counselling tomorrow. But since it's about $100, it'll probably be a one time thing. I'm not sure what one time will do, but I hope it does something. 

I need to feel better. 

Silent Sunday: More Engagement and Family Photos

10 Things I Did This Week

1. We got our engagement pictures taken and got the disc for them. Can't wait to print them off. 

2. All my old friends (and one of Eric's friends) came up last Saturday for a celebratory BBQ and to have some drinks. Amazing time. 

3. I finally got to meet my friend's baby, Emma. 

4. Eric and I spent a (free) night alone in a hotel room. We swam, we had room service, we watched Big Brother. 

5. We had a friends and family day at Fun Park. The kids had a blast. 

6. Chloe was sick Tuesday night. It's heartbreaking to see her like that. She spent most of the night sleeping on the basement floor on towels so she could be close. 

7. Thursday night I was sick. I still don't know if it was actual sickness, or anxiety related. But I can't do this anymore. I need help. I need something. This is killing me. 

8. I took a vacation day Wednesday to spend it with my best friend who was staying in town with us for two nights. It was great getting to spend time alone together and to really talk. 

9. I missed Big Brother on Thursday (due to being sick) and haven't seen Dexter yet, due to all the time away and with friends. Plus we're halfway through a movie. Eric and I have some tv to get caught up on. And I might be too tired to do it tonight. 

10. It's Friday afternoon and I'm currently falling asleep at my desk as I type. 

Vacation Long Weekend & Engagement Photos

[ Preview of our engagement/family photoshoot ]

This weekend was amazing. 

On Friday night, two of my best friends arrived, one of them with a 4 month old baby in tow that I was just getting to meet for the first time. Oh how I love babies. Friday night was a low-key night of chatting, eating Chinese food and hanging around home. We were all in bed before 11 o'clock. We're old folks now, folks. 

Saturday morning is when Eric and I left with the girls to get our pictures taken. Mom was awesome and met us at the photoshoot location to watch the girls when we took pictures of just us. I haven't seen all the pictures yet, but I love the preview ones. (I'll post more at the bottom) 

Mom took Chloe when the left the photoshoot, and we took Madi to be dropped off with Eric's Mom. 

Then we were childless. 

We had our dinner, bought some booze and headed home. Slowly, our friends all started to arrive. Drinks were poured, and the BBQ was fired up. BBQ'd burgers and potatoes are some of the best foods you can eat. 

Later on we even had some cake to celebrate "everything", aka my engagement, the birth of a baby 4 months ago, another friend's pregnancy (she's 26 weeks), the birthday that just passed of a friend. 

We had more drinks, played guitar outside on the deck, and played some cards. We were probably all in bed around midnight (old folks) but it was still an amazing night. 

We all had breakfast together Sunday, then got in our cars and went back to our hometown, where Eric and I met up with the girls again for a beach afternoon. When we were through with the beach, we went back to our (free) hotel room and went to the pool almost right away. Eric convinced me to go down the waterslide once (I'm not a big fan) and we went in the hot tub for a bit. 

We ordered some room service and watched Big Brother and ended up in bed at a decent time again. 

We had our breakfast in the morning then met up with Mom, our babies, and my nephew to go to a water park. The same one we took the nephew and Chloe to last year. Everyone had a blast. Madi is like a fish. She's not scared of the water at all, so I'm sure she drank half the pool. She was constantly losing her balance or just throwing herself in the water on purpose, and we'd have to pull her back up but she'd always be laughing. 

Chloe was obsessed with the waterslide, but she was only big enough for one of them. Mom helped me out by catching her at the bottom, and I'd run her back up to the top and send her down again. 

We were there for more than 5 hours. We had tons of snacks and and we were so thankful for the frozen water bottles Eric's Mom sent in a cooler with Madi. Apparently it was crazy hot yesterday, but we never felt it because of being in the water and shade constantly. 

Despite the sunscreen we all wore, Eric still got super burned. 

I could've stayed a lot longer, and the girls probably could've too but it was a long drive home. Madi slept most of the way, Chloe only slept for a little while. It was nice to get home. Today I'm back to work, and back to reality. But not for long, because I'm taking tomorrow off to spend it with friends again. 

Annnnd.. here's more engagement/family pictures. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. I got the call, and have an appointment for counselling. 

2. My boss got Eric and I a free room at one of our resorts, then I luckily won a $15 credit towards the restaurant there. On top of that, my mother is keeping Chloe and his mother is keeping Madilynn Saturday and Sunday nights. We're in for an amazing weekend, I hope. 

3. We bought our BBQ earlier this week.

4. I seem to blog more about '10 Things I Did this Week' than anything else combined lately. Oops. 

5. I'm still pretty obsessed with Big Brother 15. 

6. My mother and nephew came over Monday and spent two nights at our house. I haven't seen my nephew (5 years old) since February. Too long. He and my sister live on the other end of the country right now. We had lunch together at my work on Tuesday. 

[ My first two loves. Have they changed much since last year? ]

7. Wednesday night the girls bugged to go outside, then they really wanted in their wagon and I really wanted candy so before we picked up Eric at work we took a wagon ride to the convenience store. I got them corn twists and they couldn't have been happier. 

8. Eric left work early because he wasn't feeling good. Instead, we both cleaned the house. 

9. Chloe tripped Monday morning and fell on her face. I didn't know the extent of her injuries until we got to daycare and I noticed she had a fat lip. Poor girl :(

10. We watched the second episode of the current Dexter season and I was so exhausted I missed most of it because I couldn't keep my eyes open. 

Anxiety: This is Where I Stand

I've written a bit about my anxiety and its attacks. And first I thought it was just stress, which is the cause but it seems to be so much more than that. I've also written about my biggest fear: throwing up. It all goes hand in hand, and the anxiety and throwing up phobia seems to be stuck in a cycle. I would get a feeling, and think I was going to be sick, which would in turn make me feel sick and have a panic attack, making me feel sicker. 

I heard that caffeine can be a huge trigger, so I gave it up. 

On my first day away for Canada Day vacation, I had a frozen Chai Tea Latte from McDonald's. It was the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, but since it wasn't coffee, the caffeine factor didn't even cross my mind until later. Already that first night, I felt on edge and a little worried over nothing all night. I was with friends I hadn't seen in forever, but the only thing I could think of was going to bed. 

The next day was a little stressful - getting back to Eric and Madi and having a family day. That part wasn't s stressful, but the heat, mixed with Chloe not having a nap and therefore losing her mind in a restaurant did not help. For a little while that day I thought my head was going to explode from stress. While that went away, and I felt better at the end of the day, I had an overnight panic attack and ended up not sleeping for most of Monday night. Because I felt so tired and horrible the next day, I was late for work and ended up leaving early. 

So I decided I wanted help. I called a mental health clinic, who asked me a ton of questions then told me who I should call. I called them, left a message and only got a call back yesterday. And I have an appointment in less than two weeks for counselling. It costs a decent chunk of money that I don't want to spend, but I want to try at least once. Something needs to be done. 

I've also been trying to eat a little healthier, which is hard on me. I'm not a big eater of fruit and veggies.I also want to get outside more and start exercising in some form. Anything, as long as it helps. 

I haven't felt like myself in months. 

My short night on the beach with Eric seemed to change things a little. We finally felt a bit more connected. Since then, instead of just existing together, it feels like we're actually together. I look forward to seeing him again. I'm not snapping at him as often. I feel happy. 

I'm just scared that he's the glue that's holding me together right now, and the first thing that happens that 'bugs me' will send me spiraling back down to the beginning. 

I just want to feel happy, stay happy, and be nicer to these people I love and live with. I'm trying so hard. And it is so hard. 

So that's why I'm going to counselling. At least once. 

And ps.. giving up coffee is so much harder now than it first was. I miss sipping on a cold, caffeinated drink on a hot day. Smoothies and slushies just aren't the same. 

This is as romantic as it gets

This weekend was so insanely hot. I'm not really complaining. 

We moved our bedroom to the basement a few nights ago because it was just too hot in our room. I love our new bedroom. I think the bathroom (2nd floor) is a little too far away from the basement, but otherwise I'd consider staying down there for good. 

I had all day Saturday and Sunday to myself. It's been awhile. I wanted to clean up a bit, but it was just too hot for that. So I went to the mall. We have some extra money, which should go towards important things like our wedding and filling our oil tank for the winter, but since I've been struggling so much with stress and such, I said 'eff it'. I wasn't going to worry about money. If I really wanted/needed something, I was just going to buy it. So I got two super comfy tank tops (already wore them both), three new pairs of underwear, two bras, and some of Chloe's birthday supplies. I didn't buy anything extravagant and unnecessary, although I could've lived without the shirts and bras for now. I'm tired of worrying.

As I was hanging out alone all day, cleaning, shopping and watching some Sex and the City in the basement, I just really really wanted to be able to hang out with Eric. Alone, and outside of the house when it was nice out. 

Chloe was with her father, so I put up a hopeful Facebook status asking if anyone wanted to hang out with Madi for a couple of hours while she slept. I expected it would go ignored, but one of Eric's friends offered shortly after. I immediately texting Eric asking if that was weird, or would we be able to let him do it? Eric was okay with it, but we both thought the friend was joking until he private messaged me. 

He did end up coming over and babysitting. We were able to leave home around 8pm, and we were home by 10pm but it was one of my favorite nights out ever. 

We drove down to the beach and just walked. The water was so nice, so we walked in the water a little, then sat for a bit and just enjoyed it. Except the bugs were insane. That was a bit of a mood killer but oh well. 

I had a surprise bottle of pink champagne in my bag, and two of the girls little cups. I pulled out the cups and gave one to Eric - he had no idea what I had in the bag. We ended up walking and drinking champagne due to the bugs, but it was still nice. The constant itching, not so much. 

Most people don't believe that we have a nude beach around here, but we do. When you first walk into the beach, if you go to the right, it's family-friendly, if you walk a bit to the left, you might come across naked people. I'm a believer because I've seen these naked people. Eric is now a believer because someone left a message in the sand "<3 nude PEI". 

We told our babysitter we were on our way and went home. Which was when Eric spoke up and said we should've waited to tell him, and gone parking - something we've both never done. 

Romance is a rare thing in our relationship. Drinking cheap champagne out of children's cups while being attacked by bugs on a nude beach, talking about having sex in a car really is as romantic as it gets. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. I had a weekend away with friends. 

2. Chloe went for dinner with her father after daycare one day, so I took Madi out shopping alone with me. 

3. I got caught up in the Big Brother 15 drama and hate. 

4. Dexter's last season started, and I think it's going to be a great one. 

5. I took a step towards getting help for my anxiety. And told no one. 

6. I played a lot of Candy Crush. Eric is addicted to it now, too. 

7. I fell in love with the self-serve frozen yogurt place that just opened down the street from my work. Oh dear. 

8. I think we set a wedding date. No announcements yet, but as a hint, there's now less than two years to go :)

9. Chloe learned how to say my friend Sarah's name, and it's super cute. 

10. I started trying to snack on veggies, cheese and yogurt instead of chocolate. It's hard. 

Big Brother 15: The Drama & Hate of Week 1

Oh wow, Big Brother. 

I don't think I've ever seen so much ugliness so quickly. 

Now, I don't watch the live feeds or read any spoiler, so I won't dig too deeply into the racist/hate comments that were spoken off tv. Just that I can't believe these people are saying this stuff so openly, knowing every word they speak is being recorded and is available for almost anyone to see. 

I'm not completely judge-y on this, because I'm a really inappropriate person and while I love people of all colors and sexual orientation, I've made my share of horrible jokes and comments. (Dead baby jokes, anyone?) But the difference is, I don't believe those things, I don't say them to the public and I'm not a mean person. 

Some of these people seem to be just plain mean and hateful. And I thought Aaryn would be a favorite. Gross. 

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Example: The wine incident from last night. The house was going to wait until midnight to open a bottle of wine so the have-nots could have some too. Aaryn, Jeremy and whoever else were in a room by themselves and Aaryn started whining about how she didn't want to wait so Jeremy went in, got the bottle of wine and they drank it all without telling the rest of the house. Naturally, the rest of the house was kind of upset about it. The best part? Aaryn and Jeremy acted like they had been wronged. They were the victims. I hate people like that. Own up to what you did wrong. 

On the plus side, I hear Aaryn lost her job because of her racist comments. So did  GinaMarie. 

Now, back to the actual show. 

I cannot believe McRae used the Veto to put Elissa up just because 'the house' wanted him to do that. I doubt they would've cared much. It annoyed his alliance a bit, which I expected. But really.. he could've worked with Elissa, and now I hope she goes after him for revenge. He could've just left his nominations the same. 

I'm glad Elissa got MVP, and glad she put David up. It just annoys me that she put David up for McRae and he still put her up. 

Just as I figured, Jeremy went against his alliance and voted to keep David, but I am so glad he went home. The look on Aaryn's face made my day. I hope it puts her in her place a little. 

Oh, and one more thing.. the Amanda/McRae showmance? Wow that was unexpected. 

Obviously I can't wait until the next episode. 

Canada Day Weekend 2013

It seems to be an annual thing, but this weekend me and Chloe went away and spent the weekend with friends. We did pretty much the same thing last year, except this was a much shorter trip, and Eric wasn't able to come. 

We stayed at my friends cottage, 5 of us plus Chloe makes 6. We visited with a lot of people throughout the day. We went to the beach, which Chloe finally loves (hated the beach last year - and by reading that post I also realized July 1st marked one year since the first time we had a full-family sleepover: Me, Eric, Chloe and Madi). We had some great BBQ'd food, then took a walk on the beach. My friend's mother brought out some champagne after Chloe went to bed and they had a toast for my engagement, which was super sweet and unexpected. (I also got a small gift for my engagement from that same friend). 

Before we left, I was reunited with Paper Me. 

I was dropped off at my Mom's, where Madi had just spent the night. Eric met us there. We had no actual plans for Canada day, so we ended up hanging out at Mom's. The girls went in the pool then played in the yard. We tried to go out for pizza for supper, but Chloe decided to have a meltdown so I took her to the car. Eric got the pizza to go, and we ate it at his mothers. 

Luckily, the girls were pretty good the whole way home and went to bed easily. And that concluded our second Canada Day together. We took our first 'family' picture last year on Canada day, so we were a little sad when we realized we didn't take any pictures this year. 

Canada Day 2012