10 Things I Did This Week

1. I tried hot yoga with a friend. 

2. I was super paranoid all week because the flu is going around work like crazy. 

3. The weather got super cool all of a sudden so I started putting away the first few summer things. It doesn't make me as sad as it usually does that summer is ending. 

4. The beads we ordered last week arrived, only 9 days later. 

5. I bought a paid version of a budget app in hopes that we can really get on board with using it. Finances are hard to keep track of in a spreadsheet at work. 

6. Planning and making supper for the girls, and then later on for me and Eric is becoming more and more of a headache each week. I'm just sick of everything we eat, and usually have very little appetite lately. I hate it. 

7. I bought a $5 box of Mother's Day clearance chocolates on a whim Thursday night when I stopped to get mail at the post office. Mother's day?! Either way, we ate most of the box that night. 

8. My bosses at work were cleaning out one of the storage rooms and I scored a box of blocks and a bunch of stuffed animals for the girls. I'm not usually huge on stuffed animals, but two were big enough to use as floor pillows, one was Winnie the Pooh, one was just super cute, and the other two were sleeping monkeys. 

9. Chloe has become so chatty lately. It's all "Mommy's purse", "Door," "Mommy's car," "Mommy help." I absolutely love it. I especially love it when she's playing and starts singing softly to herself. Melts my freakin' heart. 

10. I started watching Crazy Stupid Love Monday night while Eric was out. I had no idea Ryan Gosling was in it. I got tired and shut it off right around the time Ryan Gosling met Steve Carrell. I don't even remember what their characters names are. I fail. 

My Introduction to Hot Yoga

Last night a friend and I decided to try something new. 

Hot yoga. 

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It was a huge step, since we've never even done normal-temperature-yoga. I mean, I tried it in my basement a little with a Jillian Michael's DVD but even then it was hard. Yoga is pretty hard. 

We couldn't find parking so we felt rushed when we got there. The woman working at the cash, who would also be our instructor, was very nice and gave us a tour of the place when we arrived. We were told to take our mats and our water into the hot yoga room, where some people were already waiting, and she would be there at exactly 7pm. 

Everyone in the room was laying on their backs on their mats. I felt like I was interrupting everyone's naps. We unrolled our mats, took awkward sips of water, and sat for a few minutes. Eventually we lay down like the rest and waited. 

I adjusted to the warmth easier than I expected. I thought it might be uncomfortable, and at times it was a little, but it wasn't bad. I sweat like I've never done before. 

The poses were nothing too difficult. You could further stretch to make most of them more difficult, but overall it was a pretty great class for beginners. I didn't feel too lost and I was able to do a lot of the poses even though I was a lot less steady than most. 

I would say the worst part of the class was the fact that I was sweating so much that I was slipping on my mat, so poses I can normally do like downward dog, my hands were sliding away from me. 

The class was just a few minutes over an hour, but by then I was more than ready to finish. For beginners, I think a 30-45 minute class might be easier. When the instructor had us lay on our backs and relax our bodies, I may have started to doze off a little. When all was said and done, I did feel more relaxed, cleansed, etc. It was a fun experience. One I definitely would like to try again, and I think my friend agrees. 

It's much easier doing yoga in a heated, darkened room than in my bright, cool basement using a Jillian Michael's DVD, that's for sure. I'm not knocking Jillian though - the video is great but a bit harder than the class. 

Who knows, maybe I'll turn into a yoga regular. 

There's Nothing Like Mommy Guilt

I've felt guilt many, many in my life, but there's nothing quite so bad as mommy guilt. 

I feel little pangs of it daily over little things - letting the kids watch too much tv, or not feeding them a good enough supper. 

But sometimes it's not little pangs. And those bigger moments, they stay with you and tear at you all the time. I've never experienced anything like it. 

I read another blog post today: The Time I Almost Killed My Child. I teared up thinking of what the mother was going through. The fear. The gut-wrenching sadness. And then the guilt. Her child was allergic to nuts, and she accidentally gave him a cookie with hazelnuts in it.

It brings me back to my guiltiest moment. 

At the end of this past January, Chloe was sent home from daycare with a fever on Thursday, seemed fine Friday, but was sent home again with another high fever. Usually she gets fevers from teething, but this seemed very different. I took her to a clinic immediately Friday, where I was told it was just a cold or flu or whatever. She had a rough weekend, which ended with a huge coughing fit Sunday afternoon until she was throwing up, but still coughing. 

I took her to the emergency room to get checked out. I guess the fact that we were taken in pretty quick was a bit of a bad sign. My adorable little 16 month old was diagnosed a day or two later with pneumonia and the influenza virus. She was admitted to the hospital Sunday afternoon. 

As soon as I learned she'd be admitted, I was holding back tears. I had to leave the room for them to put her IV in, because I knew I'd never survive listening to her cry. Eric was home from work then, and came pretty quick to the hospital when I told him she would be staying. 

Now for the guilty part? I left her there alone that night. I left. I waited until she was fast asleep, and we went home to eat and sleep ourselves. 

How did I leave my little baby alone in a hospital room overnight? By herself? And at the time I thought it was okay. I justified it. It absolutely kills me now. 

I told the nurses to call me if anything happened, if she woke up. We just live a minute away. The nurses said she slept all night, which comforted me, but that doesn't matter. I left her. 

My Mom came up the next day. She spent the next 4 nights at the hospital with Chloe while I went to work and slept at home. I'd stop by in the morning, and spend the evening there until she went to bed. How did I not take more time off work? I was new to  the job, but how is that an excuse? How was I not there every minute that I could be? I'm so grateful my Mom was there to help out, because we couldn't afford me missing the time at work, and I know I never would've worked if Chloe was alone. I never would've just left her alone at the hospital. 

But I still don't know how I felt leaving her was okay at the time. Now I don't think it's something I'll ever get over. I hope from now on I'm always there when my baby needs it. No matter what. Even thinking about her hospital stay really makes me want to just hold her and hug and kiss her. 

Mommy guilt. It's insanely powerful stuff. 

I Won't Blog About 'Mom Stuff' When I'm a Mom

I read some blogs over the weekend on my Bloglovin' iPhone app. I was pretty excited when a day later there was an update so my blogs are all sorted by group now like they are online. Anyway, to get on topic, I read something on a blog that stuck with me. Annoyed me, I suppose. 

It was a post regarding 'things I'll never blog about', and this young, childless female said she'd never blog about 'Mom stuff', even when she had a kid. Really?

A child is the biggest, craziest, most important thing that will probably ever happen to you. That little baby can't do a thing without you, and all of a sudden you can't do a thing without them. It's a major life change. Your life revolves mostly around that little person, whether you want it to or not. 

I didn't think I'd turn into a mom blogger. But I turned into a mom

How can you not blog about 'Mom stuff' ie: YOUR CHILD. That's like saying your kid won't be important enough to talk about. 

So enjoy continuing to blog about your parties, friends, and weekends away when you have kids. Although I doubt you'll be doing much of any of that stuff. 

It's hard to have cute, child-less stories for your blog when you're life revolves around poop and spit up. 

Just saying. 

Sick yet again

I swear I didn't die, but with the illnesses running through our house I'm kind of surprised no one has yet. I started feeling sick Monday afternoon at work, and haven't been back since. I even missed an extra shift yesterday that I had tried to pick up. Eric had a touch of what I had, but it only lasted a day and didn't hit near as bad. Madi spend all of Friday being the messy kind of sick. Only Chloe seems untouched, and so far it seems that the sicknesses may all finally be over. Fingers crossed. I've never ever missed so much work time in my life. Hope you guys are all feeling better than I've been.

15 Things I Will Miss About Summer

1. Seeing my girls in adorable dresses! 
2. Going for walks in sunny days during my lunch break.
3. Taking the girls to the park.
4. Hanging out outside at Mom's. 
5. The idea of sipping coffee outside on a beautiful morning. (I never seem to do it, but the though relaxes me!)
6. Iced coffees, cappuccinos, lemonades, etc. 
7. Eating ice cream doesn't make me cold. 
8. How great water can taste. 
9. Wearing flip flops. 
10. Just walking out the door instead of stopping for coats, hats, boots, gloves, a shovel, etc. 
11. Clothing at bedtime is optional for all - some nights it's just too hot to consider. 
12. The smell of baby sunblock (but I won't miss the greasy-feel of it all over my kids!0
13. Sunshine staying up past 8pm. 
14. Yard sales. I just love 'em. 
15. Stopping for frozen yogurt on a whim. 

I stole this idea from Smacksy.

10 Things I Did This Week

1. Sunday we had a family sleepover at my moms. The sleeping part sucked. 

2. Monday we visited a friend and my grandfather. Good times. 

3. Wednesday I left work around lunch time because Chloe had a high fever. She had the fever (no other symptoms) on and off until after midnight, but was fine in the morning. 

4. I put a tentative hold on a third venue that I think I want to go with - this time it's the place I'm currently working at. 

5. We made a Facebook page for our Bead Sprite Creations. There will be no pats on the back for creativity when it comes to the name. We're also talking about going into a Christmas craft fair in November. So please like our page and support us :p

6. On that note, we've been making a lot of projects lately. 

7. I ate garlic fingers for lunch. Don't tell Eric. 

8. I bought a second-hand costume for Madi (a lion to go with Chloe's elephant) but it looks way too big. 

9. I wanted to get rid of the cat Eric made us adopt because his friend couldn't keep it.  The cat is fine during the day, but at night if we let it in the room with us, it keeps us awake by knocking things over or jumping on us over and over. If we shut the basement door and leave him to roam the top two floors, he tends to hang out near the baby monitor meowing and keeping us up. 

10. Saturday morning (today?) I should be taking the girls to a music class to see if I want to sign them up to go all the time. I think they'll enjoy it. 

Chloe, at 23 months old

I am quite simply amazed by my daughter lately. I just can't get enough of her. 

She says so many things now. "Mommy help." "No corn."

She sings songs. The Wheels on the Bus. The Map song from Dora the Explorer. Mmm mmm went the little green frog. 

She gives so many hugs and kisses. 

She loves so many things: shoes, hats, stickers, keys. 

She loves rocks. She needs to stop and pick some up all the time. It should be kind of annoying but it's adorable. 

She loves crackers too. A little too much. Grapes are also a huge favorite these days. 

She's a huge Mommy's girl. Always loves to be around me. It's hard sometimes when I want to get something done, but I love it the rest of the time. She's also a good Mommy herself. She just loves playing with her babies. 

She hates getting her finger and toenails cut (who actually likes that?), so if you see her, ignore how bad they look. I can usually cut 2-4 at a time, before she loses her mind completely. 

She is absolutely obsessed with Dora the Explorer. It's too cute. I used to hate characters like Dora, but now I'm on board. Which is why we're having a Dora the Explorer-themed birthday party in September. I already did most of the supply shopping - just need balloons, and I'm debating a pinata since I saw an awesome Dora one for only $15.

These Dora the Explorer bead sprites I made will serve as part of the decor.

But to get back on topic, I just can't get enough of this little girl. There just aren't enough hours in the day to spend with her. 

This was our weekend...

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Sickness has finally left our place. Everyone seems to be feeling good. 

This weekend was a decent one. My first cousin got married Saturday so I took Eric and Chloe to the ceremony, and just Chloe to the dinner. It is hard to entertain my daughter in quiet, sit down places, that's for sure. I wouldn't do it again anytime soon. It was great to see my grandfather though, and nice to see my cousin getting happily married. 

We spent Sunday night at my Mom's. The four of us. In one bedroom that night. It was hell. Madi cried like 6 times, and spent the rest of the time rolling around on her bed. The noises kept Eric and I awake a lot of the night. Luckily, Chloe only really got up once. 

The girls feeding my mom's dog, Rhino

Monday I took the day off work and we drove further to visit a friend of mine, and then my grandfather again. We were planning on heading to the beach before we came home, but while we were getting changed dark clouds rolled in and it started to pour rain as we were driving. Crazy how fast the weather changes. We had dinner in town with friends instead, then headed home. 

This week should be a short one since it's only four days, and daycare is closed Friday. I think we have babysitters lined up already for both of the girls. 

I'm going to leave this insanely boring blog post at that, and hopefully have more interesting things to report as time goes on. 

We've been sick

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Things have been a little off lately. 

First there was the tragedy from the weekend. 

On Monday we went to look at a potential wedding venue. One that we really would like to go with, but we still aren't sure we can afford it. We got home late, and the girls only got to bed around 9:30 pm. 

Tuesday Eric was sick, and I wasn't feeling so great either. I ended up coming home early and we both napped until it was time to get the girls at daycare. Seems like a bug was just passing through our entire household, since the girls were a little 'off' for a few days before us as well. I'm hoping this is the end of it all. 

We put the girls to bed early at 7pm, since Chloe was falling asleep on the way home from daycare, and she never sleep in the car. Even after our naps in the afternoon, Eric and I were both asleep before 9pm, and didn't get up unil 7am, except for once through the night. 

Eric put all of our bed sheets in the wash, and I wiped down many surfaces, handles, and remotes with Lysol wipes. I want my family back to normal again. 

On the plus side, I managed to avoid having a full-on panic attack over the fact that Eric was sick. I thought for sure I was going to have one but I managed not to. I hope that's something that I can get better at, and avoid panic attacks altogether. I hope I hope. In any case, I still haven't been able to eat much of anything all week. I think it might soon be time for a trip to the doctor regardless of panic attacks. Something's still not right with me. 

Life just isn't fair

I don't know how I would begin to describe this weekend. 

It started off well enough - I shopped some yard sales, cleaned some my house. 

In the afternoon, I went out to the race track to visit my best friend who's husband is part of a racing team. His best friend is the one who does the racing. I had a really great afternoon hanging out with my friend and some of her friends - one being the wife of the race car driver. I also got to see his two kids - one is only two and the baby is 10 months. I got to hold the 10 month old for awhile, which I loved of course. I love me some cute babies. I also asked my friend to be my maid of honor - the first and only person so far to be asked to be in my side of the wedding. It was a great afternoon. 

I left go pick up Eric and since Madi was actually staying with her mom for the night (first time in months) we made some last minute plans to visit his sister and go out. I drank, he didn't. It was nice seeing his sister and her boyfriend. The 'bar' part of it wasn't great, but still a decent night. 

We were back home, in bed and asleep probably just before 1am. I had no idea of the message that I got shortly after, that was waiting for me when I got up around 8am. 

All lights were off, and Eric was still asleep when I checked my phone for the time. I think it was 8:17am. But there was also a message there from my friend. 

Their best friend that drives the race car, the best man from their wedding, he got in a one car accident during the race and passed away. My heart dropped. I woke Eric up saying something like "Oh my God. Oh my God." He was still half asleep when I turned on the light. 

I was frozen. I didn't know what to do or say. How do you respond to that? Had I received the message when it was sent, I probably would've rushed right out to where they were. 

I felt so sad for my friends. I knew how badly this would hurt them, how close they were to this man. But more so, my heart was completely broken for the two little boys he left behind. His wife. It hurt so much more after just spending that afternoon with them. His wife was so sweet and friendly. The boys were adorable. Everyone was so happy. Things change SO QUICK. 

I teared up a lot that morning, but I didn't actually cry until I dropped Eric off at work. He offered many time to stay home and keep me company, but I made him go. It was hard to see him leave on this particular morning. Things change so quick. 

I had a harder time keeping it together when he wasn't there. I called to see if I could stop by Chloe's father's house to see her for a minute. I just wanted to hug her, to see her happy face but she was gone with her grandmother. I got home and saw that the wife had been on Facebook, saying goodbye to her husband, best friend of many years, father of her children. I lost it. 

Life just isn't fair. 

I think of the little boys and think of what it would be like if either of my children lost their fathers. What it must be like to lose a spouse of 14 years. I think of how my friends must be feeling - because it would be like me losing them. They weren't blood, but they were  family. 

I absolutely hate that my friends are going through this. I feel so useless and helpless through it all. 

Life just isn't fair. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. Eric went to his friend's house Monday night and having the house to myself was kind of awesome. 

2. I cancelled my wedding venue reservation for one place, since it just didn't feel 'right', and we're going to look at my favorite place on Monday. 

3. Eric and I had an indoor yard sale on Saturday last week. We sold over $150 worth of stuff, and a nice chunk of that was our bead sprites. This is what we had starting out. At least 7 of those sold. 

4. We tried out the 2nd new frozen yogurt place in town. Eric didn't like it at all. I thought it was okay. Chloe was a fan. I'll be sticking to my first choice, even though they have less toppings. 

5. Even though I've seen it all before, I'm addicted to Sex and the City right now. It's my feel-good show, and Eric semi follows the plot :p

6. I saw an offer on Facebook for a free photoshoot at Sears, and went for it with the girls. The woman working was fantastic, and we ended up getting a package, plus a couple of extras. I'll post pictures when they come in. Madi was the perfect little model. Chloe was just there to play, Madi was well aware that she was getting her picture taken. It was adorable and hilarious. 

7. I took pictures at the park for a bachelorette party. The girl who asked me to do it is a friend of a friend of a friend. We drank together once or twice years ago. 

8. My friend Sarah and I went on a girl date. We browsed some shops and wanted to go out for dessert. It was 8:30 pm and we stopped by a new place in town. We got dirty looks because we took a seat out on their sidewalk patio. Then when we asked if we could get dessert the rudely replied that they would have to asked if we were allowed to get JUST dessert, because it was their peak dinner time. We walked out and went to a big chain restaurant and got amazing service instead. Sorry for trying to support local. You'll never see me again. 

9. I need to break my addiction of kids clothes shopping. At least until I sell off a lot of the stuff the kids have outgrown. It's getting ridiculous. 

10. As of right now, I feel kind of happy again. I hope it stays. 

Spice Box: What 'spicy items' I got in the mail

I decided to do something a little different a few weeks ago. I ordered a Spice Box (if you want to order, use my code Venassa V8495 to get 5% off. What is a Spice Box, you ask? It's basically a surprise box of "bedroom" toys and accessories. 

I'm in Canada, so it took a little while for the box to get to me, but I was excited when it finally arrived. 

No lie, it comes in very discreet packaging. The pink box you see below came in a yellow, standard mailing envelope with no hint of what was inside. 

I got the regular box, but this video about the Deluxe box for this month makes me think that it might be worth the extra $$$. 

In my box I got: 

- Happy Penis massage cream, in cherry flavor

- Naughty Secrets body fragrance

- Swipes (to clean up those sensitive areas before or after sex)

- A sampler of lube

- Annnd a butt plug

My overall opinion? 

This particular box isn't great for me, but might be great for others. I don't do 'fragrances' at all, and I probably won't be getting very close to the butt plug. We may toy around with the other items. 

I'm torn on if I want to keep my subscription for now or not though. We could use the money on other things, definitely, but I like getting a fun surprise once a month. I think I'm going to put it on pause for now, but I will definitely be re-ordering at a later date. 

Wedding Planning: Choosing a Venue is Hard

Wedding planning is so hard. 

I never had a dream wedding growing up, like some girls do. I went into this not knowing what I wanted at all. I knew I wanted something small. That's about it. 

Once I tentatively booked a hotel for my reception and dance, I realized I cared more than I thought. It didn't feel right. I went back and forth over it for a week or two, before finally cancelling the hold on that hotel at the beginning of this week. 

That was kind of huge for me, because this hotel was affordable. It was convenient. It just didn't feel like us. 

Our wedding song? We chose that already. It's a song I liked a long time ago. Google tells me it was released in 1992. It was mentioned on a local wedding group on Facebook by one girl who had it as her song. I looked it up on YouTube a few days later and I felt something. I showed Eric a few days later. He didn't say much during the song, and we got distracted before anything was said afterwards. It was only a week or two after that when the song came on and he called it our wedding song. And that was it. 

I found a spot for a wedding that I really liked before I ever booked the hotel. I requested information but didn't get a response so I forgot about it for a bit, but my mind kept going back to that place. When I cancelled the hotel, I called this new place, and when I didn't hear back 48 hours later, I sent an email. I finally heard back today. 

The price is great for what's included, which is the hall, bar, and a lot of accommodations. But in reality, it's more than we can afford. We haven't ruled it out, and we haven't actually sat down to talk about how much it will really cost. We're going to take a look at it Monday evening, and I'm half hoping that we don't like it as much, so it will encourage me to find something cheaper. 

I really don't want to love this place. 

Isn't it gorgeous though?