Me, lately

I still exist! 

Monday and Tuesday somehow flew by. I guess you could say most of Wednesday did too. 

What has happened lately? 

Saturday we had an indoor yard sale, Chloe, Eric and I. We made a nice chunk of money and had fun. Eric was super happy that we sold some of his bead sprites. Afterwards we went to a big indoor garage sale in town and spent some of our hard-earned money. Eric got a video game and I got a hat for Chloe and a shelf for Madi's room. Later, I spent my money on a cube shelf for Chloe's room, and we got new fall jackets for both of the girls. 

On Sunday, Madi stayed with me and we went to my Mom's for the day. Chloe too, of course. It was a little too cold for the pool, but they still had a lot of fun playing outside with the dogs. They took an amazing nap and I was able to clean my entire car. I vacuumed up all the sand. It was so nice. Within a day of being back to daycare, the car is full of sand again. The joys of toddlers. 

Me? I've been feeling better. I've been trying not to dwell on negative thoughts. 

Eric finally put his foot down with Madi's mother and we're no longer driving back and forth to her place 4 times a weekend to drop off and pick up Madi on Saturdays and Sundays because she won't allow Madi to spend the night. It's a little too much. Especially since Madi fell asleep there Saturday before we got there to pick her up, and waking her up caused a freak out like I'd never seen before. So that's why Madi stayed with me Sunday. It's more work to keep her, but less stressful. Somewhere along the way, she decided she wanted Madi back with her full-time, so we're entering back into that battle. Saturday night Madi can't sleep at her mom's, Monday morning her mom wants her to live with her. Make sense? Not really. 

But I'm not stressing about it. Like I said, I've been feeling better. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. When Chloe got home  from her father's Sunday, I read a book outside while she played in her inflatable pool and balls. 

2. I put more thought into starting a wedding blog for my area, to make it easier for other people to plan their weddings. It's so hard to get information online when a province is this small. 

3. I started drinking a tiny bit of coffee again, because I've been falling asleep at my desk in the afternoons. 

4. I watched the movie Undercover Angel. Cheesy, but an old favorite of mine. 

5. I went for my counselling appointment. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think I could benefit from going regularly, but we could never afford it. 

6. Me and Eric finished a puzzle together. We're boring. 

7. Tried a new little cafe in town. It was okay. 

8. I also tried a new pizza place in  town, and got garlic fingers. They were very good. 

9. I had doubts about where I want to have my wedding. I need to hurry up and figure things out before I need to put out deposits. 

And today, I feel better

[ via ]

Today I'm in a good mood. A real good mood. These have been rare lately. 

I read a post about Happy on Story of my Life, and Jenni talks about a documentary her and her husband watched about happiness. One of the things they talked about is how even the smallest change in your routine can attribute to your happiness. Then I got started thinking about my routine. Stressful morning, long boring day at work in a basement office with no windows, stressful evening, then relax for 1-2 hours before bed. 

It's not a great routine when you put it that way. 

So I decided to start trying new things. I decided I'd start leaving the building more during my lunch break to get a bit of a break from the dark office. I stopped, spur of the moment, at a little cafe across from my work yesterday. Don't even ask me what type of cafe it was, I just know it was foreign. Being the picky eater I am, I opted for a grilled cheese sandwich. It wasn't great, but it was good. It was different. 

Today I went for another walk and stopped at a used bookstore. Then, unplanned, I stopped for just some egg rolls at a Chinese food restaurant. It was nice to read a book while I ate and watch tourists walking down the streets. 

With that little break from the monotony, I feel better. 

Although I'll still probably fall asleep as my desk later this afternoon. It's becoming a regular occurrence. I feel like I always need a nap these days. 

Working on Getting Better

What would make me happy? 

That's something I can't even answer for myself anymore. 

It started as a simple question. I sold $25 in baby clothes last weekend, and I said if I made $30 I would buy the girls each a new fall coat from Wal-Mart. They have cute ones for $15 each. I usually just buy used. But then I realized, all I do is spend money on the girls. They both already have decent second-hand coats. I should spend the money on me. But what would make me happy? What could I spend money on for me? 

I wouldn't think of much of anything. 

Once upon a time I would spend it on craft supplies, but I don't really do that anymore. I could spend it on clothes, but I have a ton of clothes anyway. Same goes for shoes. Make-up and toiletries I could just work into our budget. Something for the house? I couldn't think of anything. DVDs or tv shows? I couldn't think of anything. 

What happened to the girl who used to love shopping for anything? Am I even losing that part of my personality? I feel like bit-by-bit whatever is going on in my head is wiping out all parts of me. I'm not the same person anymore. I starting to barely feel like a person at all. 

Money can't buy happiness, but what happened to the thrill of buying something new? I want that back. 

In the larger sense, a friend asked me just a few days ago what would make me happy. What would need to  change for me to be happier? To be less stressed? 

Some of those are a little more clear, but some are near impossible. 

- I want to feel nauseous less often. 

- I want Madi to be able to spend the night with her mother more often (more often than never), so when Chloe's gone we can sleep past 6:30am.

- I want a nicer place to live, with a nicer backyard.

- I want to walk into our bedrooms and have a good feeling. 

- I want someone to talk to who doesn't always need to talk about their same one problem over and over. 

- I want to be able to drink caffeine when I want without consequences. 

- I want to have and enjoy hobbies again. 

- I want to enjoy time with my daughter more often than a day or two every other weekend. 

- I want a day every now and then that doesn't revolve around sippy cups and crackers. 

- I want to get out of the house with people who aren't my immediate family. 

- I want to enjoy eating again. 

- I want to feel hopeful about my future. 

- I want to be able to leave for a weekend I want, without worrying about Eric finding a way to get Madi back and forth to her Mom's 4 times since she can't spend the night. 

- I want a stable job when this one is over in October. 

- I want to feel less guilt over my children. 

- I want to enjoy blogging like I used to. 

It's time to start getting better. 

My Best Friend Chloe

It's really hard to blog when you're not very happy. Things just don't seem worth talking about, but I don't want to let things just pass by. I don't want to miss writing about all the amazing things Chloe does. Maybe this is normal for a parent, but I could just sit back and watch her all day. Just playing and talking and being a toddler. 

She says so many things now. She can name almost all of the Dora Characters. Like Tico. She thinks Swiper's name is Rhino, because Mom has a dog named Rhino and now all things that look like dogs are called Rhino. It's sweet. When I tell her 'Swiper no swiping!' She'll say 'Ohh man!' It kills me every time. 

She loves to read, especially the set of Dora the Explorer board books that I found from someone online for $5. Definitely a steal. 

She can count to three. Except she says 'one, two, one'. It's a work in progress. 

We got a cat. It was Eric's old cat that his roommate couldn't keep anymore. Chloe loves to chase the 'kitty' and just can't stop saying 'kitty' over and over. 

She loves 'babies' and wearing all kinds of hats and shoes, especially boots. She loves playing in water. Playing with balls. She loves Bubble Guppies and Dora the Explorer like you wouldn't believe.

[ Pretending to sleep ]

She's my best little friend and always gives me a ton of hugs and kisses and cuddles. She's Mommy's girl and will follow me around anywhere and always wants to be nearby. Her adorable face makes my day. There just never seems to be enough time together anymore.