Anxiety: This is Where I Stand

I've written a bit about my anxiety and its attacks. And first I thought it was just stress, which is the cause but it seems to be so much more than that. I've also written about my biggest fear: throwing up. It all goes hand in hand, and the anxiety and throwing up phobia seems to be stuck in a cycle. I would get a feeling, and think I was going to be sick, which would in turn make me feel sick and have a panic attack, making me feel sicker. 

I heard that caffeine can be a huge trigger, so I gave it up. 

On my first day away for Canada Day vacation, I had a frozen Chai Tea Latte from McDonald's. It was the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, but since it wasn't coffee, the caffeine factor didn't even cross my mind until later. Already that first night, I felt on edge and a little worried over nothing all night. I was with friends I hadn't seen in forever, but the only thing I could think of was going to bed. 

The next day was a little stressful - getting back to Eric and Madi and having a family day. That part wasn't s stressful, but the heat, mixed with Chloe not having a nap and therefore losing her mind in a restaurant did not help. For a little while that day I thought my head was going to explode from stress. While that went away, and I felt better at the end of the day, I had an overnight panic attack and ended up not sleeping for most of Monday night. Because I felt so tired and horrible the next day, I was late for work and ended up leaving early. 

So I decided I wanted help. I called a mental health clinic, who asked me a ton of questions then told me who I should call. I called them, left a message and only got a call back yesterday. And I have an appointment in less than two weeks for counselling. It costs a decent chunk of money that I don't want to spend, but I want to try at least once. Something needs to be done. 

I've also been trying to eat a little healthier, which is hard on me. I'm not a big eater of fruit and veggies.I also want to get outside more and start exercising in some form. Anything, as long as it helps. 

I haven't felt like myself in months. 

My short night on the beach with Eric seemed to change things a little. We finally felt a bit more connected. Since then, instead of just existing together, it feels like we're actually together. I look forward to seeing him again. I'm not snapping at him as often. I feel happy. 

I'm just scared that he's the glue that's holding me together right now, and the first thing that happens that 'bugs me' will send me spiraling back down to the beginning. 

I just want to feel happy, stay happy, and be nicer to these people I love and live with. I'm trying so hard. And it is so hard. 

So that's why I'm going to counselling. At least once. 

And ps.. giving up coffee is so much harder now than it first was. I miss sipping on a cold, caffeinated drink on a hot day. Smoothies and slushies just aren't the same. 

This is as romantic as it gets

This weekend was so insanely hot. I'm not really complaining. 

We moved our bedroom to the basement a few nights ago because it was just too hot in our room. I love our new bedroom. I think the bathroom (2nd floor) is a little too far away from the basement, but otherwise I'd consider staying down there for good. 

I had all day Saturday and Sunday to myself. It's been awhile. I wanted to clean up a bit, but it was just too hot for that. So I went to the mall. We have some extra money, which should go towards important things like our wedding and filling our oil tank for the winter, but since I've been struggling so much with stress and such, I said 'eff it'. I wasn't going to worry about money. If I really wanted/needed something, I was just going to buy it. So I got two super comfy tank tops (already wore them both), three new pairs of underwear, two bras, and some of Chloe's birthday supplies. I didn't buy anything extravagant and unnecessary, although I could've lived without the shirts and bras for now. I'm tired of worrying.

As I was hanging out alone all day, cleaning, shopping and watching some Sex and the City in the basement, I just really really wanted to be able to hang out with Eric. Alone, and outside of the house when it was nice out. 

Chloe was with her father, so I put up a hopeful Facebook status asking if anyone wanted to hang out with Madi for a couple of hours while she slept. I expected it would go ignored, but one of Eric's friends offered shortly after. I immediately texting Eric asking if that was weird, or would we be able to let him do it? Eric was okay with it, but we both thought the friend was joking until he private messaged me. 

He did end up coming over and babysitting. We were able to leave home around 8pm, and we were home by 10pm but it was one of my favorite nights out ever. 

We drove down to the beach and just walked. The water was so nice, so we walked in the water a little, then sat for a bit and just enjoyed it. Except the bugs were insane. That was a bit of a mood killer but oh well. 

I had a surprise bottle of pink champagne in my bag, and two of the girls little cups. I pulled out the cups and gave one to Eric - he had no idea what I had in the bag. We ended up walking and drinking champagne due to the bugs, but it was still nice. The constant itching, not so much. 

Most people don't believe that we have a nude beach around here, but we do. When you first walk into the beach, if you go to the right, it's family-friendly, if you walk a bit to the left, you might come across naked people. I'm a believer because I've seen these naked people. Eric is now a believer because someone left a message in the sand "<3 nude PEI". 

We told our babysitter we were on our way and went home. Which was when Eric spoke up and said we should've waited to tell him, and gone parking - something we've both never done. 

Romance is a rare thing in our relationship. Drinking cheap champagne out of children's cups while being attacked by bugs on a nude beach, talking about having sex in a car really is as romantic as it gets. 

10 Things I Did This Week

1. I had a weekend away with friends. 

2. Chloe went for dinner with her father after daycare one day, so I took Madi out shopping alone with me. 

3. I got caught up in the Big Brother 15 drama and hate. 

4. Dexter's last season started, and I think it's going to be a great one. 

5. I took a step towards getting help for my anxiety. And told no one. 

6. I played a lot of Candy Crush. Eric is addicted to it now, too. 

7. I fell in love with the self-serve frozen yogurt place that just opened down the street from my work. Oh dear. 

8. I think we set a wedding date. No announcements yet, but as a hint, there's now less than two years to go :)

9. Chloe learned how to say my friend Sarah's name, and it's super cute. 

10. I started trying to snack on veggies, cheese and yogurt instead of chocolate. It's hard. 

Big Brother 15: The Drama & Hate of Week 1

Oh wow, Big Brother. 

I don't think I've ever seen so much ugliness so quickly. 

Now, I don't watch the live feeds or read any spoiler, so I won't dig too deeply into the racist/hate comments that were spoken off tv. Just that I can't believe these people are saying this stuff so openly, knowing every word they speak is being recorded and is available for almost anyone to see. 

I'm not completely judge-y on this, because I'm a really inappropriate person and while I love people of all colors and sexual orientation, I've made my share of horrible jokes and comments. (Dead baby jokes, anyone?) But the difference is, I don't believe those things, I don't say them to the public and I'm not a mean person. 

Some of these people seem to be just plain mean and hateful. And I thought Aaryn would be a favorite. Gross. 

[ via ]

Example: The wine incident from last night. The house was going to wait until midnight to open a bottle of wine so the have-nots could have some too. Aaryn, Jeremy and whoever else were in a room by themselves and Aaryn started whining about how she didn't want to wait so Jeremy went in, got the bottle of wine and they drank it all without telling the rest of the house. Naturally, the rest of the house was kind of upset about it. The best part? Aaryn and Jeremy acted like they had been wronged. They were the victims. I hate people like that. Own up to what you did wrong. 

On the plus side, I hear Aaryn lost her job because of her racist comments. So did  GinaMarie. 

Now, back to the actual show. 

I cannot believe McRae used the Veto to put Elissa up just because 'the house' wanted him to do that. I doubt they would've cared much. It annoyed his alliance a bit, which I expected. But really.. he could've worked with Elissa, and now I hope she goes after him for revenge. He could've just left his nominations the same. 

I'm glad Elissa got MVP, and glad she put David up. It just annoys me that she put David up for McRae and he still put her up. 

Just as I figured, Jeremy went against his alliance and voted to keep David, but I am so glad he went home. The look on Aaryn's face made my day. I hope it puts her in her place a little. 

Oh, and one more thing.. the Amanda/McRae showmance? Wow that was unexpected. 

Obviously I can't wait until the next episode. 

Canada Day Weekend 2013

It seems to be an annual thing, but this weekend me and Chloe went away and spent the weekend with friends. We did pretty much the same thing last year, except this was a much shorter trip, and Eric wasn't able to come. 

We stayed at my friends cottage, 5 of us plus Chloe makes 6. We visited with a lot of people throughout the day. We went to the beach, which Chloe finally loves (hated the beach last year - and by reading that post I also realized July 1st marked one year since the first time we had a full-family sleepover: Me, Eric, Chloe and Madi). We had some great BBQ'd food, then took a walk on the beach. My friend's mother brought out some champagne after Chloe went to bed and they had a toast for my engagement, which was super sweet and unexpected. (I also got a small gift for my engagement from that same friend). 

Before we left, I was reunited with Paper Me. 

I was dropped off at my Mom's, where Madi had just spent the night. Eric met us there. We had no actual plans for Canada day, so we ended up hanging out at Mom's. The girls went in the pool then played in the yard. We tried to go out for pizza for supper, but Chloe decided to have a meltdown so I took her to the car. Eric got the pizza to go, and we ate it at his mothers. 

Luckily, the girls were pretty good the whole way home and went to bed easily. And that concluded our second Canada Day together. We took our first 'family' picture last year on Canada day, so we were a little sad when we realized we didn't take any pictures this year. 

Canada Day 2012